Cutting Room for April 13

  • It’s fitting that a movie with “thief” in the title is about to be part of a crime, as Alfred Hitchcock’s classic To Catch a Thief is getting remade. Although we don’t know as of now who will replace Grace Kelly and Cary Grant — thank goodness those two are so easily replaceable — we do know that the script will be written by Josh Stolberg. So no worries there; you definitely want the guy who last wrote Piranha 3D to pen your Hitchcock remake.

  • Don’t laugh until I’m done. Keanu Reeves wants to star in Man of Tai Chi, which is a kung-fu movie. He wants to play the bad guy (who, given the title, will presumably be called “the villain of tai chi”). The thought of Reeves as an imposing baddie in a martial arts movie is snicker worthy, but here’s where waiting to laugh pays off: He’s directing it. You may now chortle freely.

  • The following joke is not mine, and while I don’t know who initially said it, repeating it is vital. Dish Network bought Blockbuster this week for $320 million. Now the joke: Actually, they only paid $20 million, the rest were late fees. Oooh, bankruptcy burn!

  • On a disturbing and sad note, Lindsay Lohan’s name is now only linked to roles based on true stories of horribly broken women. The latest rumor has her playing Manson family victim Sharon Tate. It’s easy to use her as a punch line, but it’s kind of unsettling to watch someone who seems to be auditioning for her final role as a human sacrifice to some unseen pop culture deity who thirsts for the blood of starlets.

Cutting Room provides breaking local and national movie news … complete with added sarcasm. Send any relevant information to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). Check out Ryan on the radio on CD 105.9 (Fridays at around 7:30 a.m.), on his blog at thereader.com/film/C19 and on Twitter (twitter.com/thereaderfilm).


entered on 04/12/11 at 10:28 PM | read comments »


Did you miss me?

I feel like this particular blog post is like running into an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend (or, if you're lucky...both) months after a mutual breakup. I have this overwhelming urge to thrust my hands deep in my pockets to avoid nervous gestures (I get really handsy when I'm worked up) and a desire to look down at the ground and mumble questions you'd ask of a total stranger and not of someone you have seen naked ("Hey, how's things?" or "How have you been?"). But let's do this...let's talk for a minute about what happened with our relationship, you and me.

See, we shared something special. For about 3 years, we talked every single day. I poured my heart and soul all over these interwebs, all in the name of love. Whatever you told me you liked, I'd try to give you more. If you showed even the slightest indication that you had a passing affinity for a particular column or subject matter, I would bend over backwards to incorporate it. But the truth is, this was killing me. It just wasn't working.

It's not you.

Okay, it's totally you. See, I never seemed to really reach you. When we moved in together to this new place (our spiffy website built just for us), you all but stopped communicating with me. I mean, you used to at least comment every once and awhile. But the soul-crushing, overwhelming silence became unbearable. I couldn't even provoke a reaction of anger no matter how hard I tried. You weren't even laughing at Wicker Man clips with me anymore.

Yeah, you stopped laughing at THAT. I was in anguish. Am I unlovable? Am I disinteresting? Oh, Jesus...am I....NOT FUNNY? I was all the worst parts of a Michael Cera movie, as the last month was all self-doubt and insecurity. It was me trying to figure out how to get us back to the good times. I couldn't go back to what it was, as I was spending hours upon hours a day trying to make you smile all for nothing. I realized that the fundamental foundation of this relationship was broken and would likely never be fixed. So I walked away from us, realizing that this relationship, this blog of holy matrimony we shared...was over.

It's time for something new.

This is me, down on one knee, proposing to you the greatest change to our relationship ever. Will you...dear, dear Reader readers...will you podcast with me?

Enough relationship allegory, the story goes like this: The humor on the site wasn't coming off well enough, I didn't have enough of my own sources to serve as a place you'd come to find out breaking news, the exchanges and forums weren't getting populated, and traffic had stagnated. I had no clue what the next step was. Then it hit me: I have so much fun doing Steve King's morning show on CD105.9 every Friday at 7:30 am, why not do more of that? I love actually TALKING about movies more than anything and there's just so much more that can be done with that format. Yes, I'm still going to do some light blogging to keep things rolling along, but I'm going to keep that to just a few times a week and only stuff that's actually interesting instead of just loading up this site with crap nobody reads.

So that's the big news: I'm back, but things are going to be different. My buddy Matt and I will be regaling you sometime within the next month or so with a movie-based podcast that's going to feature a lot of the columns that used to be featured here plus a few new ones we're dreaming up. If there are things you want us to cover, ideas for segments you'd like to propose, or really any feedback of any kind you'd like to offer, please comment below. If not, you can shoot an email to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address), and I'd be happy to chat there. We're going to do this up right, I promise. I'm really excited about it.

I hope that this is as exciting for you as it is for me. I really want to take this relationship to the next level. And by that, I mean I'm taking my shirt off.


entered on 04/12/11 at 09:55 PM | read comments »


Cutting Room for April 6

  • While theologians and atheists continue to spar over the existence of an eternal creator, The Reader can officially confirm that the devil is 100 percent real. The proof? Ashton Kutcher is teaming up with Justin Bieber in a romantic comedy. No, they won’t play each other’s love interests, as that would be too original and creative. Seriously, Brokeback-ing rom-coms with something like, I don’t know, When Harry Met Harry, would be the shot-in-the-arm this stale genre needs. No, it’s a lame-ass body-swap-type movie, in which a 17-year-old meets the 30-year-old version of himself. Nothing confirms the reality of Satan like the unholy union of Kutcher and Bieber.

  • Stan Lee, creator of Spiderman and thus co-owner of a large part of my heart, is teaming up with Arnold Schwarzenegger to create an animated series called The Governator. You will soon know it by its real name: Unwatchable. The show will attempt meta-humor, as it features his real wife and kids and follows Arnie leaving Californian office to become a superhero. How weird is it that the fictional part is the superhero part and not the part where he ran California?

  • James Cameron is taking a break from actively writing Avatar 2 and 3, a task I assumed would take him the length of a commercial break. He took a trip to what he calls “the real Pandora,” which is the Brazilian rainforest. While there, a friendly local tribe, the Caiapos, made a definite impact, as the egomaniac declared “If I had met the Caiapos before making Avatar, I would certainly have made a better film.” Oh, sure, blame them. They also gave him a tribal name, Krapremp-ti. The Krap part I totally agree with.

Cutting Room provides breaking local and national movie news … complete with added sarcasm. Send any relevant information to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). Check out Ryan on the radio on CD 105.9 (Fridays at around 7:30 a.m.), on his blog at thereader.com/film/C19 and on Twitter (twitter.com/thereaderfilm).


entered on 04/08/11 at 06:16 PM | read comments »


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John Wick

You kill his dog, he kills a million people. You've been warned.

GRADE
B


Dear White People

The type of smart, ballsy satire that comes along all too rarely.

GRADE
A


Fury

War is hell, but this movie is just hella slow.

GRADE
C+


Dracula Untold

What if Dracula was a superhero?!

GRADE
C


Gone Girl

This thriller has many twists, the biggest of which is that it's kind of a satire.

GRADE
A


The Boxtrolls

A stop-motion romp with near-nekkid trolls and a cross-dressing villain.

GRADE
B-


The Skeleton Twins

A dramedy about suicide elevated by its stars.

GRADE
B


Frank

A band that has a lead singer with a fake head will win your heart.

GRADE
A-


Fury Is Missing Fast

Inside of writer/director David Ayer’s Fury is a tight, 90-minute, “we will hold this line” war movie populated with complex...

more »


The Adventures of Super Vlad

Left out of the superhero movie party every other studio is throwing, Universal made the ballsy decision to turn Dracula...

more »


Everyone is Awful

Warning to newly engaged couples: Do not see Gone Girl, a movie that makes marriage look like The Hunger Games with slightly...

more »


Swimming in the Laika

From Ray Harryhausen’s Medusa to Henry Selick’s Jack Skellington, stop-motion animation is just frickin’ cool, yo. Maybe...

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