Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 64)

I suppose I should be thankful. Right now, everybody around me is either infected with some plague that is clearly a precursor to the zombie apocalypse or otherwise afflicted with mental ailments. Me? I feel sleepy pie and have a tiny throat tickle. So I SHOULD be satisfied with having superior hit points to everyone else, but I'm not. I want stuff. More stuff. Expensive stuff. Stuff you buy. Since Christmas I have pretty much bought nothing for myself and have relied on others for my petty needs. Bad move, as nobody stepped to the plate despite such subtle hints as A WEEKLY COLUMN WITH CRAP I WANT. Honestly, what more do I need to do? Skywriting? Done. See that cloud that looks like a middle finger? I did that.

Obviously, I'm kidding. This is really just a column where I show you cool stuff. But I'm not kidding about you sending me an email at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) so I can give you an address to send me the following three items if you really want to do so. And I hope you really want to do so...

1.) By Odin's mullet! I need this!!!

There are going to be cool products coming out for Marvel zombies like me. We're destined to get Thor's weird helmet and Captain America's shield in delicious, cheap-plastic form. This year will have a plethora of choices for Halloween costumes, as Thor and Cap are definite, while DC is sure to offer a Green Lantern costume...although you can make a better costume than the movie version DC is offering by tying a black garbage bag around you and folding the twist ties into a green mask. Tadah! You've done a better job than a bajillion dollar special effects studio. But the crown jewel of this year's "pretend to be a super person" gear is below.

You can go here and pre-order Mjolnir, the hammer that has a name. Dude, this thing SHOOTS A MISSILE (which is supposed to represent lightning? I don't know. I just know it lights up and I can smack people with it. More accurately, I can smote people with it. I like smoting and have never had the proper smoting instrument. I've had to make do with smote substitutes until now. For less than 20 bucks, I can get my smote on proper! Plus, when I hold it, I'm totally gonna talk all weirdly Shakespearean like Thor does. Bad ass.

2.) Bring me your finest mead! And in the absence of that, a delicious Smirnoff ice will do!!!

Sometimes a regular glass just can't do the trick.

And in those times, you must go to Thinkgeek and drop $200 on a friggin' amazing Hobbit stein. FYI "Hobbit stein" sounds like a Mary Shelly novel that takes place in the Shire. I'm just saying that when you're kicking back brewskis with the boys, and they all have their cute little cups, WHAMMO. You bust out this insanely awesome beer holder and everybody will be all "Holy crap!" I mean, in the right setting. Bust this out in the wrong crowd and "holy crap" becomes "Bwahahahaha." At least you'll have a shitload of beer to hurl at them.

3.) It's delicious terror

I'm a fan of the zombie apocalypse no matter how it's depicted, so of course I'm going to love this.

From Threadless comes "The Walking Bread." Get it? Because they're edible zombies. Wait...all zombies are edible because of the whole cannibalism thing, right? I have to say that this numbers among the more adorable incarnations of the inevitable zombie hell we're all destined to endure. But who arms gingerbread cops? That seems wrong. I would buy it for the title alone, so thank God I like the shirt itself.

Okay, that's it. As per usual, WATCH COMMUNITY TONIGHT YOU FOOLS or I'll smack you with my Hobbit stein. Oh, and follow me on Twitter.


entered on 02/10/11 at 10:25 PM | read comments »


Daily Dump for Wednesday (February 9)

Not to keep whining every opening paragraph, but I've been inexplicably exhausted lately. If it turns out that there really IS an invisible midget sitting on my chest, I'm going to be pissed. And slightly amused...but mostly pissed. I'm hoping this weekend will see me catch up on some sleep and get some much needed mental catch-up time, but it's probably going to devolve into some spontaneously busy set of events that will leave me longing for the sweet release of death. I swear one of these blog posts is going to start with me barfing up sunshine and rainbows...so stay tuned for that.

Everyone is invited to watch Kevin Smith quit

After pulling what is at best considered a stunt and at worst is considered a sequence of outright lies regarding the distribution of Red State, nobody can really believe Kevin Smith about his plans to retire, right? Well, supposedly, the not-always-jolly-but-always-jolly-shaped Smith plans to hang up his hoodie after Hit Somebody, his rollickingly fun hockey movie that's sure to be a hit. I mean, combining the insanely popular hockey with the universally beloved stylings of Kevin Smith is a license to print money, right? Given that the plan is for dude to quit, he wants to bring some folks in for a cameo in his (cough) "finale." (Between the cough and quotation marks, you did get my total lack of belief in this being his last film, right? Okay, thank God. I couldn't find the sarcasm key on this keyboard.)

The chances of Damon and Affleck, who haven't seemed keen to get their onscreen coupling on in a long-ass time, coming back to this supposedly final but totally NOT final project from Smith? Pretty good actually. Those dudes are loyal as sin, and who knows...maybe it's a good script? I've liked everything I've seen about Red State, despite what I've heard, and my hope is that this is a career uptick for Smithy boy. I mean, a brief career uptick...you know, because he's retiring. WINK.

Don't worry, Sizemore will keep them all grounded

Yesterday, we briefly discussed the problems that any film would have insuring Lindsay Lohan. Today, I'd like to present to you what is likely a joke that movie insurance companies will be telling each other for years to come. There's another adaptation of Chuck Palahniuk coming out. Yeah, I'm as surprised as the next person that Choke didn't permanently suffocate all chances of future adaptations. But when you think about it, Snuff is clearly set up to be a perfect film. I mean, it's about a failed porn star who attempts to set a record for sexual partners in one film. Oh and she plans to die while doing it. Oh, and one of the guys waiting in line is her biological son she gave up for adoption. And the movie's going to star the following folks:

Thora Birch

Daryl Hannah

Tom Sizemore

See, nothing to worry about. The movie adaptation about a potentially fatal gang bang is going to star washed-up former actor Tom Sizemore. I'm not kidding you, somewhere there's an insurance company that works in Hollywood going "No, seriously..."

I'm the opposite of scared

These guys can do whatever they want.

Seriously, they do what they want or they club you with an Oscar. So when they say that they're seriously considering a full-on horror movie next...then I believe it will happen. The duo says they're juggling projects next, but there's a chance we may get the first straight-up genre flick from the boys. That's a scary thought considering that No Country For Old Men was terrifying as balls. I shudder to think what people who put characters into a woodchipper...IN A COMEDY...would do with less restrictions. No lie, this excites me. Any time you have talented artists playing in more fringe genres, I get happy. In this case, I'll get happy and then I'll get terrified, but you get the idea.

That's really all the important news today...and it really wasn't all that important. What is important? That you follow me on Twitter!


entered on 02/09/11 at 10:56 PM | read comments »


Cutting Room for February 9

  • After decades of supporting roles, Samuel L. Jackson has finally made it: He’s getting his own sidekick. As everyone of the nerd persuasion knows, Jackson plays Nick Fury in the upcoming Avengers movie, a movie that represents a personal pinnacle of joy … and it isn’t even made yet. Apparently, Jackson is getting a sassy assistant (comic fans know her as Maria Hill), and word is that “How I Met Your Mother” star Cobie Smulders is the front-runner for the role. In a related note: Cobie Smulders was my first choice for my porn star name.

  • You get a lot of leeway if you win an Oscar, and word on the street is that David Fincher hopes he wins the award this year for directing The Social Network. Not just because that’s cool, but because he wants to put a topless Rooney Mara on the poster for his upcoming remake of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and he may be willing to cash in his Oscar swagger to get it done. It isn’t going to happen, on account of the prudish public and oppressive MPAA, but he’ll have a better chance if he’s gesturing with an Oscar.

  • Robert Downey Jr. said “no” to mauling our childhood memories by turning down the role of the Wizard in Oz, the Great and Powerful. So far, so good. Producers then went to the guy you offer everything to, but Johnny Depp also said “no.” Nice. Now they’re on James Franco, who is considering things. If the “no” thing continues, we may just preserve our dignity as a culture. But I have a feeling that the guy 205th on the list will take it: Topher Grace is tired of unemployment.

Cutting Room provides breaking local and national movie news … complete with added sarcasm. Send any relevant information to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). Check out Ryan on the radio on CD 105.9 (Fridays at around 7:30 a.m.), on his blog at thereader.com/film/C19 and on Twitter (twitter.com/thereaderfilm).


entered on 02/08/11 at 11:05 PM | read comments »


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The Boxtrolls

A stop-motion romp with near-nekkid trolls and a cross-dressing villain.

GRADE
B-


The Skeleton Twins

A dramedy about suicide elevated by its stars.

GRADE
B


Frank

A band that has a lead singer with a fake head will win your heart.

GRADE
A-


The Trip to Italy

Another affable outing with two British comedians.

GRADE
B+


Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

Still a fun place to visit, provided you're not a woman.

GRADE
C


The Giver

This adaptation of Lois Lowry's beloved award-winning classic will be none of those things.

GRADE
D


Boyhood

The only coming-of-age story anyone ever needs to make. 

GRADE
A+


Get Fassbent

So the whole time, Michael Fassbender wears this giant, papier-mache-style head and mumble-sings gibberish lyrics about...

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Fall? Oh, me!

I’ve reviewed movies professionally for more than a dozen years. The few weeks immediately surrounding the end of summer has...

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Bro-man Holiday

First things first: The Trip to Italy, the sequel to 2010’s surprise hit The Trip, may be the whitest movie ever made....

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Bleak and White

Celebrated narcissist and Freddy Krueger look-a-like Frank Miller gives the women he writes a plethora of career choices....

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