Daily Dump for Tuesday (February 22)

Last week's unexpected absence was...unexpected... Riiiight. Look, I'm not going to pretend I'm not slightly off my game. I could go into the blah-blah-blah and rigmarole that has resulted in more disruptions in my publishing schedule in the last 3 months than in the last 3 years, but you come here to be entertained and not explained at. My question is this: Do you read this blog on the daily? Do you read it intermittently? If I went to a Monday/Wednesday/Friday schedule would that affect your life? Does it have to be even that rigid or can it just be "whenever I feel like it but at least a few times a week?" I need feedback here, people, and if you want to do it privately because you don't want to vault whatever moderate security we have blocking the comments section, a quick email to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) would be more than welcomed. Just use the subject line "Hey doucheface who doesn't blog enough" and I'll know what you're emailing about. Honestly, I want to give you what you want...but if I'm killing myself to update this 5 times a week when you only read it once a week, I'd sure like to know that. Then again, if you're reading it every day, and I'm not throwing words down a deep, dark cyber well, I'll be more inclined to keep up with it. What I'm saying is, I'm like Tinkerbell on her deathbed. So either get to clapping or prepare a shoebox in which to bury our rigidly daily blogs.

It's not just me, by the by. This year has had a lot of minor schedule tweaks and twirks that have left the world dizzied and doozied. For example...I didn't do a big-ass "OSCAR PREDICTIONS MOTHAF**KAS" column in the print version of The Reader this year. Why? Because they moved the gosh-darn Oscars up from March is why. That, combined with the fact that we're really trying to push this whole new-fangled technology called a "web site" on folks has resulted in the following breaking news (gird your loins): On Friday I will dump upon your faces the best and only predictions you will ever need for Oscar Sunday. Then, on Oscar Sunday itself, follow me on Twitter to watch as I live tweet the Oscars! Yep, it's that time of year when all of my facebook friends hate me because my twitter feed is tied into my facebook page. Meaning they get 1000 notifications every time I slam whatever hobo-gear Helena Bonham Carter is wearing or insult the potato-headed Academy for thinking The King's Speech is anything other than okay. It should be a good time. Also, feel free to predict against me in the comments section. If you win, I will give you absolutely nothing...well, nothing but respect.

So what news do I have to share with you today? Nothing special, but seeing as how we're already here, let's do this thing:

Charlie Sheen's list of desires extends one beyond "hookers and blow"

"Two and a Half Men" is at least 50 times more popular than it is funny, and that was before the whole thing started serving as a weird, bizarro meta-commentary on the life of a womanizer playing a womanizer. I have caught clips of it so many times in syndication that it has caused me to develop "Cyer-itis," where my face's pungent reaction to the barfy dialogue makes it look like I'm doing an impression of Jon Cryer. Anyway, Sheen has been talking up a desire for another Major League movie. You know, because we all want to see Wild Thing in his 50s. I understand nobody can escape the genius of this semi-classic, as evidenced below.

But, seriously, Chuck, you have bigger fish to fry than willing a resurrection of a franchise that got Scott Backula'd. Seriously. Google that shit. I'm not kidding.

And now...a "Community" rant

It's quickly becoming obvious to me that even though they are on different nights and target entirely different audiences, pop culture is once more dividing us as human beings. Either you're a "Modern Family" person or you're a "Community" person. As Quentin Tarantino wrote in the script for Pulp Fiction, this is like the Elvis vs The Beatles conversation: You can like both, but you can only love one. And if you love "Modern Family," you're wrong. Sorry. But you are. Very wrong. That show is fine, bland, Joe Average material filtered through uninspired scenarios using a mockumentary approach that doesn't even have a possible reason to exist. "Community" appropriately skewered that style in last week's episode, punching its competitor for the lazy job that it does in explaining its jokes and generally recycling material. Many good friends and family I respect love "Modern Family." Smart people. But smart people also invented the Hindenberg.

Why am I saying all this? Because last week's episode of "Community" showed once and for all that it is the definitive family sitcom, albeit one without any related characters. Without stooping into melodrama or hackneyed situations, I watched as Jeff dealt with his father issues, Brita dealt with her compulsive need to be seen as a good person, Shirley dealt with her obsession about how she is perceived, and Pierce dealt with the fact that he is incapable of making others love him, even on his deathbed. That's heavy, heady stuff here. Oh, and meanwhile the show skewered "Modern Family" and delivered some of the biggest laughs involving LeVar Burton...or at least the biggest laughs that involve him hearing what people are saying.

Bigger laugh at the end of the credits than "Modern Family" has gotten all year from people who aren't still entertained by gay dudes making jokes about being effeminate or Sofia Veraga's boobs. Why the grumpy anger? I'm terrified that "Community" won't find the audience it deserves...EVER...and instead will be doomed to cancellation by those who would rather see this world "Two and a Half Men"-ed to death. Don't let this happen. Please. Jump on board the right team and start plugging the most inspired and endearing show to come along in years. Pretty please...

In other "ugh" news

Latino Review says that Kevin Costner may play "Pa" Kent in the Superman sequel/remake thingie. Seriously, this is a video he made once.

The major story behind what he does is that he has dedicated his life to being terrible. I can only react to this possible casting by hoping that in the new version Pa Kent runs afoul of Superman and gets laser visioned in the crotch. It's that kind of day.

Follow me on Twitter NOW and beat the Oscar Sunday rush!

entered on 02/22/11 at 11:21 PM | read comments »

Cutting Room for February 16

  • I don’t know a word in French that wasn’t in “Lady Marmalade,” so someone needs to tell me if “Le Figaro” translates to “Liars with Pants of Fire.” Why? Well, a French newspaper with that name is reporting that Marion Cotillard was just cast in The Dark Knight Rises. If the French aren’t lying to me again, I’m ecstatic. My only regret is that Anne Hathaway beat her to Catwoman’s spandex.

  • The best part about watching The Room is knowing you’ll never watch a movie that bad ever again. The so-wretched-it’s-awesome cult classic has played the midnight run at our own Dundee Theater (dundeetheatre.com) specifically because it is so beyond reason in its awfulness. Yet a man named Sandy Schklair, whose IMDB resume need not have the stain of The Room on it, is fighting to put that hyperlink on his bio. Basically, Entertainment Weekly is reporting that writer/producer/star/probable-maniac Tommy Wiseau may not have directed the infamous train wreck, having hired Schklair to do the dirty deed. A battle is brewing over ownership of The Room. The only comparison would be if two dudes in an elevator both tried to claim they were the fart maker.

  • Park Chan-wook, director of Oldboy and Thirst, is set to make his English-language film debut with Stoker, which will star Nicole Kidman and Colin Firth. They’re probably excited to be in the genius director’s new film, but if they’ve seen any of his other movies, I’m guessing their excitement will be tempered by the time they finish reading the script and they find out what horrible, horrible things they’ll be doing to one another.

Cutting Room provides breaking local and national movie news … complete with added sarcasm. Send any relevant information to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). Check out Ryan on the radio on CD 105.9 (Fridays at around 7:30 a.m.), on his blog at thereader.com/film/C19 and on Twitter (twitter.com/thereaderfilm).

entered on 02/16/11 at 09:37 PM | read comments »

Daily Dump for Monday (February 14)

That groundhog knows his shit, huh? In the midst of the coldest stretch of the year that fuzzy bastard said "it ends soon." Well tickle me with groundhog fur, we've been swimming around in melted snow rivers as the temps have soared and with it, my mood! Rejoice for the wonder of nature and its ability to lessen my grumpitude. Unless of course I'm watching the Grammys. Last night Facebook friends got a little taste of the near-constant snarkiness and bitchitude that will tsunami them come Oscar night, as my reaction to Lady Antebellum (a name that evokes an era of slavery by the by) dooking up the joint by beating Eminem came out in status updates like mad. It will be worse on my twitter feed and facebook page come that fateful night in February when The King's Speech ascends to the pretender's throne. I should point out that I made a comparison I liked last night, as I called Lady Antebellum The King's Speech to Eminem's Inception. What I mean is, Lady A is the same kind of inoffensive glad-handing, mainstream satisfying shinola that Tom Hooper's film represents, while Em pushes buttons and generally acts like an artist, even while being immensely popular, just like Christopher Nolan's film. At any rate, let's all just rejoice that I still have as many Grammys as Justin Bieber.

On to today's newsy stuff!

Stand back: Nerdgasm in progress

You have no idea how much I fully intended on hating the new Spider-man movie. More than the hyphen in the middle of his name, I loathe the idea of another origin story, I hate that Marc Webb (who has no experience) was tossed the gig seemingly to play up the teenie-bopper romance angles, and how enraged I was at the inclusion of the GD Lizard as the villain. Then came word of Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone's involvement. Ok. He's fine, and I adore her. Then came word Gwen Stacy would be the love interest that Stone was playing. Can't hate that. Then came the lithe new costume design. Solid. Then came the mechanical web shooters. Oh Jesus, someone is pressing my buttons. Then came today's news: The movie will be called The Amazing Spider-Man and the full costume looks like this:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I mean SERIOUSLY! Look at that pose! Look how you can see the web shooters! Look how his eyes don't seem as goofy as the last series! That mask is PERFECT! Say what you will about whether there are spiraling lines around his boots, the mask is like 50% of the costume's coolness and it is out of this world. I hate this. I know I'm going to be disappointed at ham-fisted dialogue and an attempt to Twilight-up the romance angles in this thing, but how am I supposed to remain rigid and naysaying when you show me that? The Amazing Spider-Man? You producers are jerk-heads for reducing me to a non-rational fanboy like this.


We're in the midst of a Thundercat renaissance, what with the new animated series on the way. But we have just gotten a glimpse into what might have been with this.

That's test CGI for a movie that will now never happen...and that's a good thing, given the unsophisticated look of the characters involved. Talking cat-people fighting with swords is always cool, and there are moments in there that I found alright, but overall it has the feel of that TMNT movie that was made to satisfy one person (and I happen to be friends with him). Point is, I'm curious as to what they're doing with this semi-beloved 80s franchise. Glad to see that whatever it is they're doing, it isn't this.

Box Office Results: Bieber, boobs, and the bard

For real? Sandler's movies can just do that much money every single time? He poops out a half-witted flick and we must give him a $30 million opening? And Bieber? Really? $30 million for him too? AND GNOMES? WE SUPPORTED THAT GNOE MOVIE THIS MUCH? You know that there are going to be like 12 direct-to-video sequels with those gnomes working their way through Shakespeare, right? Like they'll one day get to garden gnomes doing Othello? Oy.

Here's where the money went, haiku style:

1.) Just Go With It - $30.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97.5%)
I do not want to
"just go with" anything, jerks.
And you can't make me.

2.) Never Say Never - $29.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 99%)
Bieber cried last night,
when the boy went Grammy-less.
I'm crying for THIS.

3.) Gnomeo and Juliet - $25.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 83%)
No...but for real gang...
this cannot be a hit, right?

4.) The Eagle - $8.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 97%)
It isn't soaring
but it didn't smack window.
So...that's a good thing.

5.) The Roommate - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94%)
Bye Minka Kelly!
Come back to the top 5 soon!
...with a better film...

Overall Accuracy of Prediction - 94%
Hey! I got an "A"!
I don't do that too often.
This goes on the fridge.

Okay gang. Monday's over, so go have a great week! And follow me on Twitter!

entered on 02/14/11 at 11:20 PM | read comments »

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