Ryan’s Junk Drawer (February 11)

"With great junk, comes great responsibility" - Better Off Ted

Finally! I made you wait for my junk too long this week, and I apologize. My junk is something that nobody should wait for, as a general rule. I've been trying to get people to look at my junk whenever they want for years now. The more the merrier, when it comes to my junk, I say! And yet, here I go, making you think my junk wasn't going to pop up this week. But it did! My junk always delivers in the end.

Obviously, I don't mean what you think I mean. I mean, I do mean what you think I mean, but I only mean it as a joke. My "junk" is really just movie news that's too small to warrant a regular blog post by itself. Instead, I gather up a bunch of nuggets and things like screws you find lying around your house and shove them in a "drawer" (meaning one column like this). What's that? You don't randomly find screws in your house? Really? It's entirely possible that I either have a ghost version of Johnny Appleseed who chucks screws and not apple-starters (Johnny Screwseed?) or random chairs are going to fall apart one day when I sit in them. Should be fun. Anyhoodle, we begin each installment of my Junk Drawer by taking a look at that illustration of a junk drawer up top. It's creepy (extra creepy now that I put that black background on it), but somehow it's from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. Weird. Anyway, I pick an item from the image and make a story about it that's weird because doing so amuses me.

Today's item is the green and red thing in the corner. "You can too turn a cucumber inside out," said little Billy, whose boasts often involved doing things to produce. "Nuh uh," said little Sally, whose distrust of little Billy was frequently thwarted by his prepubescent dimples. "Yeah huh," said little Billy, who would one day attempt to use the same argument style in his divorce proceedings. "Nuh UH" said little Sally, who believed repetition was God's divine gift to humanity. "Watch me," said little Billy, who believed anything was possible if you tried hard enough except math. "Ewwww" said little Sally, who would one day have the same reaction to a cucumber. "See," said little Billy, who really thought he turned the cucumber inside out. "I'm telling the teacher," said little Sally, who probably saved Billy's life that day.

Okay, that's enough, let's get to some newsy nuggets!

1.) Cruise Hathaway of rocking

As has been threatened for some time now, it looks like Tom Cruise IS going to sing and dance on purpose. In his quest to regain legitimacy as an actor and icon, Cruise will star in a mediocre musical involving shitty 80s hair bands. His agent, who presumably just won a bet, has negotiated for the former hottest actor in the world to star in Rock of Ages, a movie destined to be remembered as having happened. With the toothy wonder locked in, casting has moved forward to target some ladies, most notably Anne Hathaway.

image

Hathaway loves her some singing and dancing, and unlike Cruise, watching her do it is enjoyable for the right reasons. It's not clear how close she is to signing, and I'm not entirely sure if her character would get romantically involved with Cruise or anything. I could probably find out, but I feel like spending more of my life on this subject is a decision I'd regret.

2.) Now that he's fixed California...

I decided to try to make a thinly veiled political criticism of Arnold Schwarzenegger's work as governor of California with my title here. I know it's not impressive, but if you consider the number of doofuses (is the plural doofusi?) running with some variation of "He said he'd be back" as a title, you should probably throw roses at me. Anyway, dude is seriously looking for acting work again. I suppose this is good news, because his work in politics only may have involved ruining California's economy forever...and thus ruining America's economy forever. Oh well, it still went better than Jingle All the Way. This stage in Arnie's career was always going to be tough, being that he was most known for being muscular and talking funny. We liked to watch him fight and stuff, something older dudes don't do as well. And now making fun of his voice is running dangerously close to picking on the elderly. I do have a solution!

image

That's right! We should only hire the CGI version of Arnold they used in the last Terminator movie. What was the name of that one again? Terminator: You Will Regret This? Anyway, chances are that they won't use this brilliant computerized version of the formerly swoll-up, now weirdly shaped former governor, but it's a great idea. I look forward to seeing what vapor sequels he gets attached to in the next week or so.

3.) I owe this woman

It may look as though I'm Facebook stalking someone with that photo, but that's the potential heir to the giant Oracle fortune. Her name is Megan Ellison, and she is full of awesome. Why? Oh, I don't know, instead of using her vast inheritance on blow and party dresses, she is turning into quite the movie producer. She's like 25 years old and has already helped finance True Grit. Yeah, radness, huh? And she's also the person who restarted The Wettest Country in the World, which is a new John Hilcoat movie and not the porno it sounds like. But the best is this: She just reignited two Paul Thomas Anderson projects. Yeah. For real. The Master and Inherent Vice aren't going to be easy sells, what with the former being an attack on scientology and the latter being a Thomas Pynchon adaptation. It takes a brave, intelligent soul to put up money on those films, and thus Megan Ellison gets the patented "Ryan Syrek's Junk" Award. That's right, the billion-dollar brunette is the first ever recipient of an award involving my junk. Enjoy that, Megan. Seriously, though, this is the sort of thing that makes me regain faith in the human race.

4.) Fearless, flawless Box Office Predictions

As per last week, I remind you that I have incorporated the weekly fun and tomfoolery that is me making predictions about box office while using the centuries-old poetic tradition of haiku. Since this week involves an Adam Sandler movie, my haiku is already the classiest thing that Sandler has ever been involved with. The other stuff this week is Bieber-iffic and Gnome-alicious. In other words: Ewwwww. Here comes my prediction haiku.

1.) Just Go With It - $32 million
A bossy title
prompts me to give a response.
I WON'T go with it!

2.) Never Say Never - $29 million
This title I like,
Because, with all things Bieber
I use "never" tons...

3.) Gnomeo and Juliet - $17 million
Hey, William Shakespeare
your play now has gnomes in it.
I'm so glad you're dead.

4.) The Eagle - $8 million
If this had "Eddie"
I would totally see it.
Gladiator Lite.

5.) The Roommate - $7 million
It won't win this week
but as far as I'm concerned
Kelly is on top.

WILDCARD - The King's Speech - $6 million
This won't go away
Especially come Oscars...
How irritating.

5.) Trailers, parked

I have to say that I was shocked by the X-Men First Class
trailer. SHOCKED. I expected it to be hokey, awkward, and amateurish given the things I had heard and seen. But it looks...damn good. I mean, there are too many characters, but if they keep this with this tone, with this intimacy, with this scope...I am going to be pleasantly surprised...and that's not just leftover Brett Ratner flashbacks talking here. See for yourself.

When Russell Brand is finally divorced by Katy Perry and is no longer famous, he has an open invitation to hang out at my place. Why? Because I find my wife laughing at Russell Brand to be as funny as Russell Brand himself. She'll be delighted to know that this Arthur remake even has a return to him making jokes about shoes. Oh, and Luis Guzman, who we all know as the most famous graduate of Greendale College.

K. That's that. I hope you loved my junk this week, and have a wonderful, safe weekend. It's going to be in the 50s here, and in February 50 degrees in Omaha is like paradise...only with more potholes. Follow me on Twitter, and I'll see you on Monday!


entered on 02/11/11 at 10:48 PM | read comments »


Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 64)

I suppose I should be thankful. Right now, everybody around me is either infected with some plague that is clearly a precursor to the zombie apocalypse or otherwise afflicted with mental ailments. Me? I feel sleepy pie and have a tiny throat tickle. So I SHOULD be satisfied with having superior hit points to everyone else, but I'm not. I want stuff. More stuff. Expensive stuff. Stuff you buy. Since Christmas I have pretty much bought nothing for myself and have relied on others for my petty needs. Bad move, as nobody stepped to the plate despite such subtle hints as A WEEKLY COLUMN WITH CRAP I WANT. Honestly, what more do I need to do? Skywriting? Done. See that cloud that looks like a middle finger? I did that.

Obviously, I'm kidding. This is really just a column where I show you cool stuff. But I'm not kidding about you sending me an email at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) so I can give you an address to send me the following three items if you really want to do so. And I hope you really want to do so...

1.) By Odin's mullet! I need this!!!

There are going to be cool products coming out for Marvel zombies like me. We're destined to get Thor's weird helmet and Captain America's shield in delicious, cheap-plastic form. This year will have a plethora of choices for Halloween costumes, as Thor and Cap are definite, while DC is sure to offer a Green Lantern costume...although you can make a better costume than the movie version DC is offering by tying a black garbage bag around you and folding the twist ties into a green mask. Tadah! You've done a better job than a bajillion dollar special effects studio. But the crown jewel of this year's "pretend to be a super person" gear is below.

You can go here and pre-order Mjolnir, the hammer that has a name. Dude, this thing SHOOTS A MISSILE (which is supposed to represent lightning? I don't know. I just know it lights up and I can smack people with it. More accurately, I can smote people with it. I like smoting and have never had the proper smoting instrument. I've had to make do with smote substitutes until now. For less than 20 bucks, I can get my smote on proper! Plus, when I hold it, I'm totally gonna talk all weirdly Shakespearean like Thor does. Bad ass.

2.) Bring me your finest mead! And in the absence of that, a delicious Smirnoff ice will do!!!

Sometimes a regular glass just can't do the trick.

And in those times, you must go to Thinkgeek and drop $200 on a friggin' amazing Hobbit stein. FYI "Hobbit stein" sounds like a Mary Shelly novel that takes place in the Shire. I'm just saying that when you're kicking back brewskis with the boys, and they all have their cute little cups, WHAMMO. You bust out this insanely awesome beer holder and everybody will be all "Holy crap!" I mean, in the right setting. Bust this out in the wrong crowd and "holy crap" becomes "Bwahahahaha." At least you'll have a shitload of beer to hurl at them.

3.) It's delicious terror

I'm a fan of the zombie apocalypse no matter how it's depicted, so of course I'm going to love this.

From Threadless comes "The Walking Bread." Get it? Because they're edible zombies. Wait...all zombies are edible because of the whole cannibalism thing, right? I have to say that this numbers among the more adorable incarnations of the inevitable zombie hell we're all destined to endure. But who arms gingerbread cops? That seems wrong. I would buy it for the title alone, so thank God I like the shirt itself.

Okay, that's it. As per usual, WATCH COMMUNITY TONIGHT YOU FOOLS or I'll smack you with my Hobbit stein. Oh, and follow me on Twitter.


entered on 02/10/11 at 10:25 PM | read comments »


Daily Dump for Wednesday (February 9)

Not to keep whining every opening paragraph, but I've been inexplicably exhausted lately. If it turns out that there really IS an invisible midget sitting on my chest, I'm going to be pissed. And slightly amused...but mostly pissed. I'm hoping this weekend will see me catch up on some sleep and get some much needed mental catch-up time, but it's probably going to devolve into some spontaneously busy set of events that will leave me longing for the sweet release of death. I swear one of these blog posts is going to start with me barfing up sunshine and rainbows...so stay tuned for that.

Everyone is invited to watch Kevin Smith quit

After pulling what is at best considered a stunt and at worst is considered a sequence of outright lies regarding the distribution of Red State, nobody can really believe Kevin Smith about his plans to retire, right? Well, supposedly, the not-always-jolly-but-always-jolly-shaped Smith plans to hang up his hoodie after Hit Somebody, his rollickingly fun hockey movie that's sure to be a hit. I mean, combining the insanely popular hockey with the universally beloved stylings of Kevin Smith is a license to print money, right? Given that the plan is for dude to quit, he wants to bring some folks in for a cameo in his (cough) "finale." (Between the cough and quotation marks, you did get my total lack of belief in this being his last film, right? Okay, thank God. I couldn't find the sarcasm key on this keyboard.)

The chances of Damon and Affleck, who haven't seemed keen to get their onscreen coupling on in a long-ass time, coming back to this supposedly final but totally NOT final project from Smith? Pretty good actually. Those dudes are loyal as sin, and who knows...maybe it's a good script? I've liked everything I've seen about Red State, despite what I've heard, and my hope is that this is a career uptick for Smithy boy. I mean, a brief career uptick...you know, because he's retiring. WINK.

Don't worry, Sizemore will keep them all grounded

Yesterday, we briefly discussed the problems that any film would have insuring Lindsay Lohan. Today, I'd like to present to you what is likely a joke that movie insurance companies will be telling each other for years to come. There's another adaptation of Chuck Palahniuk coming out. Yeah, I'm as surprised as the next person that Choke didn't permanently suffocate all chances of future adaptations. But when you think about it, Snuff is clearly set up to be a perfect film. I mean, it's about a failed porn star who attempts to set a record for sexual partners in one film. Oh and she plans to die while doing it. Oh, and one of the guys waiting in line is her biological son she gave up for adoption. And the movie's going to star the following folks:

Thora Birch

Daryl Hannah

Tom Sizemore

See, nothing to worry about. The movie adaptation about a potentially fatal gang bang is going to star washed-up former actor Tom Sizemore. I'm not kidding you, somewhere there's an insurance company that works in Hollywood going "No, seriously..."

I'm the opposite of scared

These guys can do whatever they want.

Seriously, they do what they want or they club you with an Oscar. So when they say that they're seriously considering a full-on horror movie next...then I believe it will happen. The duo says they're juggling projects next, but there's a chance we may get the first straight-up genre flick from the boys. That's a scary thought considering that No Country For Old Men was terrifying as balls. I shudder to think what people who put characters into a woodchipper...IN A COMEDY...would do with less restrictions. No lie, this excites me. Any time you have talented artists playing in more fringe genres, I get happy. In this case, I'll get happy and then I'll get terrified, but you get the idea.

That's really all the important news today...and it really wasn't all that important. What is important? That you follow me on Twitter!


entered on 02/09/11 at 10:56 PM | read comments »


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