All the news I feel like printing for Monday

Not a whole lot happened over the weekend. I mean in terms of film. Plenty of interesting things happened in the world over the weekend, just not ones I get to make pithy jokes about here. I was going to go for some metaphor about how slow the weekend news was, but I couldn't choose between "slow" meaning stupid and "slow" meaning takes a long time. There is nothing worse than metaphor indecision. Nothing in the whole world is worse than that. Except for excessive hyperbole. At any rate, here are the few things of interest that did abound.

Something "Wicked" this way comes

That's the least original title I've had in the length of this blog's existence. Seriously, I couldn't help but be lazy about news that we're going to have a miniseries based on "Wicked." And a movie based on "Wicked." Wait, what?

Turns out that Salma Hayek's production company has sold ABC an 8-hour miniseries based on the original book, which is not the musical that was based on the book, which is being turned into a movie to come out in 2014 (now that's a long, long-ass time down the road). I don't really care, never having seen the musical and never having read the book, but I know people who flip their shit for this green witchy business. So there you go: A shitpile of "Wicked" goodness is coming at your face.

Look into the eyes of terror

You will cry when you stare into this:

For more barf-inducing, why-would-you-do-that fun, go to Muppets With People Eyes. Or, you know, don't...if you like remembering a more innocent time. God those things are pure hell.

Direct this!

Yeah, I told you it wasn't an exciting news day. I have EVEN MORE nominations for more awards to share with you! Doesn't that just light a bottle rocket up your spine? No? Me either. Still, here are the DGA nominations for Best Director of the year.

  • Darren Aronofsky, Black Swan
  • David Fincher, The Social Network
  • Tom Hooper, The King’s Speech
  • Christopher Nolan, Inception
  • David O. Russell, The Fighter

It's another great year for misogynists. After last year's icky intrusion by a vagina-bearer, we're back to a sausage party! Good! I really felt that 2 female nominees out of the last 50 nominations was just appallingly diverse. Nice to see men finally getting the respect they deserve. I'm not sure where smart money is right now. I would have said Hooper (even though he pretty much did nothing directorially for that totally boring movie), but with Aronofsky's film heating up critically AND at the box office (the horror/ballet movie may clear $100 million? WHAT?) there's a chance he's hot at the right time. And then there's always Nolan, who I think should win but I don't think will. Interesting year. Well, interesting year for those with the right chromosomes.

That's really it for today, I'm not holding out on you, I swear. Check back tomorrow for more. And follow me on Twitter in the meantime for some in-between post love.


entered on 01/10/11 at 10:17 PM | read comments »


Box Office Results 1/10

Fancy meetin' you here! I mean, it's not particularly FANCY...there are no doilies or fine china or anything. Makes you wonder why that expression is usually said like a cowboy. Did cowboys really refer to things as "fancy?" Curious.

Anyhoodle, I am excited to get to these haikus because I heard a great haiku this weekend at a poetry slam about Malcolm X, Warren Buffet, and how Omaha must have some great sperm. Now I managed to get a discussion of cowboys saying "fancy" and sperm into the first post of the week. Tuesday is going to have a lot to live up to. Let's do the numbers (and the haikus).

1.) True Grit - $15 million (Accuracy of prediction - 93.5%)
Off into sunset,
this picture will also ride
with a lot of cash!

2.) Little Fockers - $13 million (Accuracy of prediction - 95.5%)
Fock this dumb movie.
With it's Focking one-note jokes.
And Fock Stiller too.

3.) Season of the Witch - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)
Nic Cage may be weird
But at least he's interesting.
So that's something, right? 4.) Tron Legacy - $10 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90%)
Jeff Bridges kicks ass
Inside a video game,
And atop a horse!

5.) Black Swan - $8 million (Accuracy of prediction - 0%)
Why, Natalie, why?
Why ruin my predictions?
Oh, I can't stay mad.

Overall accuracy of prediction - 74%
A meager total
But if Natalie's happy,
then I am happy.

Okay, see you in a few for my daily news drop.Until then, follow me on Twitter or the Smurfs win.


entered on 01/10/11 at 09:39 PM | read comments »


Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions - 1/7

Looks like I'm back in the haiku saddle again, ready to toss off some poetic verse whilst predicting the tallies and totals from what is sure to be a yawner of a weekend at the box office. Why do I say that? Oh, I don't know, do you think the lines for Country Strong or Season of the Witch will be long? Because those are your only new releases. Icky. Speaking of icky, here are my predictions!

1.) True Grit - $17 million
Records are falling! The Coens' most successful! Top grossing Western?

2.) Little Fockers - $12 million
Screw you, Ben Stiller. You WERE subversive funny, now you are a whore.

3.) Tron Legacy - $10 million
Light discs are flying, the box office is rising, 20 years say what?

4.) Season of the Witch - $10 million
Oh Nicholas Cage, your hair is more convincing, than you are these days.

5.) Country Strong - $9 million
Country may be strong, and Gwenyth does make me weak, but so is the film.

WILDCARD - The Fighter - $6 million
Christian Bale is great Mark Wahlberg is Mark Wahlberg That's all there is here.

Okay, that's it. You have a good weekend. I need rest so bad you have no idea.

Follow me on Twitter or I'll cry.


entered on 01/07/11 at 06:19 PM | read comments »


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Nightcrawler

A condemnation of crime pornography with a chilling central character.

GRADE
A


John Wick

You kill his dog, he kills a million people. You've been warned.

GRADE
B


Dear White People

The type of smart, ballsy satire that comes along all too rarely.

GRADE
A


Fury

War is hell, but this movie is just hella slow.

GRADE
C+


Dracula Untold

What if Dracula was a superhero?!

GRADE
C


Gone Girl

This thriller has many twists, the biggest of which is that it's kind of a satire.

GRADE
A


The Boxtrolls

A stop-motion romp with near-nekkid trolls and a cross-dressing villain.

GRADE
B-


The Skeleton Twins

A dramedy about suicide elevated by its stars.

GRADE
B


Yes, They Mean You

Thrill-seekers live for the rush that comes from defying death; adrenaline is the body’s chemical “thank you” for keeping it...

more »


Fury Is Missing Fast

Inside of writer/director David Ayer’s Fury is a tight, 90-minute, “we will hold this line” war movie populated with complex...

more »


The Adventures of Super Vlad

Left out of the superhero movie party every other studio is throwing, Universal made the ballsy decision to turn Dracula...

more »


Everyone is Awful

Warning to newly engaged couples: Do not see Gone Girl, a movie that makes marriage look like The Hunger Games with slightly...

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