With great junk, comes great responsibility – “Better Off Ted”

I swear to you it feels like I was just talking about my junk yesterday. Oh, don’t get me wrong, my junk is almost always on my mind, but since I save public discussion on the subject for just one day a week, it is odd that it seems like I was just telling everyone about it. This could be a function of me having been in a wedding-induced time warp from Thursday of last week until Tuesday of this week, a time-warp made of whiskey, beer, and bad decisions, or it could just be a function of me not being particularly smart. The jury’s still out.

Now, as you know by this point, I use the term “junk” to refer to the various tidbits and nuggets that I compile once a week in lieu of composing four or five separate blog posts. I also use the term because it pleases the fifth grader that still lives inside my brain and laughs anytime someone says the word “duty,” as in “You have a duty here.” Heehee. We always kick off by looking at the image above that is clearly a serial killer’s junk drawer, an image taken from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. I pick an object from said image, write a goofy story about it, then shuffle along like nothing happened. Why? Tough to say, really. I’m going with massive head injury at some point that I’ve forgotten about, probably due to the massive head injury.

Today’s item is the white light in the upper middle. Ryan had been trying very hard to work lately, but he was suffering from creative constipation. Sadly, although there are thousands of medications to help raise “other” types of “junk,” there are zero prescriptions designed around unblocking the blocked creative artery. Suddenly, Ryan realized that there was something else at work, something far more sinister. Quickly, he jumped up, ran to the junk drawer…and there it was: his inspiration. Someone had taken it from its normal resting place between his ears and relocated it to the junk drawer. With the creative constipation gone, everything returned to its normal flow.

Now, enough chicanery, let’s get to it!

1.) Comic book movie-related reptile news (volume one) – We reported earlier this week (he says as though he wasn’t beaten to the punch by every news organization and several kids at whatever school you attend) that Rhys Ifans had been hired on to play the villain in Spider-reboot . We didn’t know which villain, but I assured you it wouldn’t be the Lizard as some had speculated because the budget was too small to allow for an entirely CGI character, which is what that would entail. I couldn’t promise which villain, but knew it wouldn’t be that one. It wasn’t going to be the Lizard. It’s the Lizard. At least, that’s what’s being reported on various places across the Internets. Then again, those same places had Emma Stone a “lock” for Mary Jane, when she was actually cast as Gwen Stacy. Is it possible that this is right? Absolutely. Is it stupid. Yep. Because of the budget, he may end up looking like this:

But worse than that, the character doesn’t make a lot of sense as a foundational bad guy if they’re doing a full-on origin story. Unless they aren’t. Unless they’re doing a reboot that only resets everything back to a reasonable level. What if they’re in college, not high school (this rumor has been circulating too), and what if we just see Peter as Spider-man already? We basically reset the cast and location, but maybe do the “origin” as a flashback? The Lizard still doesn’t make much sense there, but it works better. Is this true? Have I cracked some kind of code? Is there going to be more than one villain thus negating any significance of this anyway? No one knows anything at this point. So, let’s just continue with wild speculation because it’s fun.

2.) Comic book movie-related reptile news (volume 2) – Tom Hardy is your bad guy in Batman 3 . Actually, that’s not even confirmed. Jeezaloo do we speculate like mad. Tom Hardy, the buff and cool guy from Inception , is going to appear as SOMEONE in Batman 3 , which I’m guessing will be called The Dark Knight Returns even if it doesn’t actually follow that storyline because marketing will want them to capitalize on the brand recognition of the last movie. Mark Millar, professional liar and comic book hobbyist, has suggested that he’s playing a bad guy and then specified what bad guy Hardy would be.

Killer Croc. As much as I trust Millar, which is not one bit at all on anything, this seems to be nonsense. Or does it? The original incarnation of Killer Croc was as a shadowy mafia figure, which does fit into the world that’s been created on screen thus far. Plus, if there are two villains this time, it would be a nice balance to have the physically imposing, visually striking Croc-based character along with The Riddler, who is the obvious choice for the other baddie. Let me just toss this one out there: (A) It’s not reasonable to have two major superhero sequels both use lizard-based bad guys. (B) Is it possible that some wires were crossed and that The Lizard ISN’T in the Spidey reboot but Killer Croc was what was being spoken of? (C) This is a really weird news week. Really reptilian. I don’t like it.

3.) WTF? Mo MIBs? – The cast for MIB3 keeps getting better. Yeah, I know, I’m shocked too. In addition to the obligatory Smithage and expected Jonesing, we’re getting Josh Brolin and Emma Thompson. That would be significant, but now comes word that we’re getting a triumvirate of interesting.

We’ve got Sharlto Copely, Alec Baldwin, and Gemma “Yum Yum” Arterton all signing on for some level of involvement. Obviously, Gemma is there to entice, Sharlto is there because he’s now synonymous with aliens, and Baldwin is there to bring the funny. Are these cameos? Are they actual roles? Could this be the good film in the series that finally capitalizes on the limitless potential of the franchise? Will I ever answer any of the questions I am relentlessly asking today?

4.) Good news for, um, volleyball enthusiasts – They’re still trying to do some measure of Top Gun 2 . Right now the plan is to have a small role for Tom Cruise (get it, because he’s a wee person), but that can be expanded if he’s interested. If I were him…whoa, let’s not go there. The number of things I would do are just overwhelming. Let’s just say he should do this, and not just because the gay community really, really wants more volleyball from Top Gun .

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He should agree because his career needs a lift. If Sylvester Stallone can will The Expendables to $100 million, Cruise should easily vault that mark with a Top Gun sequel and declare himself back on top. And by back on top, I refer you again to that volleyball scene.

5.) Trailers, parked – These trailers aren’t that exciting. I’m only putting them here because that’s what I’m expected to do. I’m not happy about it.

The Way Back is Peter Weir’s directorial return and involves the Gulag. It looks standard and predictable. I told you this wasn’t overwhelming.

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Blue Valentine does look very, very, very good, so I shouldn’t have said it was underwhelming. It features Michelle Williams, who doesn’t get enough respect, and Ryan Gosling, who I thought was dead given his on-screen absence. It got an NC-17 for some reason involving sex, but that will change because it has a chance at acting Oscars. I apologize for saying I wasn’t thrilled about this movie. I just didn’t get excited to show you the trailer is all.

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Okay, that’s it for my junk. Until next time, which I’m sure will feel like tomorrow, I bid you adieu. Oh, and let’s meet up tomorrow to talk about the weekend, okay?

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