Greetings douchebags and ugly people,

It’s me, Michael Bay, the only motherf**ker still rockin’ McGuyver’s hairstyle. A lot of you subhuman pig people who watch my movies and have made me so rich that attractive women will sleep with me despite my vile personality and morally bankrupt soul have been spreading rumors that the 3D in Transformers 3 is looking as awful as Bad Boys 3‘s plot. Excuse me? You non-Michael Bay pussies want to talk about a Michael Bay movie? You egg-sucking stupidfaces would dare to tell another egg-sucking stupidface that a Michael Bay movie looks bad? As if I wasn’t the guy who birthed Armageddon into this world, providing salvation for all those who would look upon Ben Affleck’s suddenly pristine teeth? For those of you knuckle-dragging suckwads who don’t regularly visit MichaelBay.com, likely because a court order has barred your sick ass from using the internet, my official statement was:

“Wow, I read these morons on the internet who think they are in the know. ‘We have have problems with our 3D????’ Really? Come into my edit room and I will show you beautiful 3D. There has never been a live action show that has pushed the boundaries of 3D like Transformers 3.”

That was a quickly written first draft of what I wanted to say to you pea-brained gutter eaters. I don’t feel I used nearly enough exclamatory punctuation and I forgot about Caps Lock. So allow me to expand: NEVER BEFORE IN THE HISTORY OF EYES HAS ANYONE SEEN THE BALL-DRAINING, SOUL-DEVOURING AWESOMELY AWESOME AWESOMENESS THAT WILL BE TRANSFORMERS 3D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU THINK I DEMEANED WOMEN IN MY MOVIES BEFORE??????? YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL I GET UP-IN-THAT-ASS WITH MY MISOGYNY3D LENS!!!!!!!!!!! YOU THOUGHT I HAD SOME RACIST ROBOTS BEFORE????&*@???? I HAVE 3D ROBOTS THAT ARE INSULTING TO EVERY ETHNIC GROUP, INCLUDING ESKIMOS!!!!!!! JUST LOOK FOR THAT IGLOO-TRANSFORMING ROBOT…IN 3D!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In conclusion, if you don’t sell Victoria Secret underwear, you shouldn’t even be speaking my name out loud. Never forget, I have been made into a peanut M&M…A PEANUT M&M!

So until such time as you are depicted with chocolate and nut, I don’t want to see your cake-hole flappin’, got it?

Love always,
Michael Bay


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