That groundhog knows his shit, huh? In the midst of the coldest stretch of the year that fuzzy bastard said “it ends soon.” Well tickle me with groundhog fur, we’ve been swimming around in melted snow rivers as the temps have soared and with it, my mood! Rejoice for the wonder of nature and its ability to lessen my grumpitude. Unless of course I’m watching the Grammys. Last night Facebook friends got a little taste of the near-constant snarkiness and bitchitude that will tsunami them come Oscar night, as my reaction to Lady Antebellum (a name that evokes an era of slavery by the by) dooking up the joint by beating Eminem came out in status updates like mad. It will be worse on my twitter feed and facebook page come that fateful night in February when The King’s Speech ascends to the pretender’s throne. I should point out that I made a comparison I liked last night, as I called Lady Antebellum The King’s Speech to Eminem’s Inception . What I mean is, Lady A is the same kind of inoffensive glad-handing, mainstream satisfying shinola that Tom Hooper’s film represents, while Em pushes buttons and generally acts like an artist, even while being immensely popular, just like Christopher Nolan’s film. At any rate, let’s all just rejoice that I still have as many Grammys as Justin Bieber.
On to today’s newsy stuff!
Stand back: Nerdgasm in progress
You have no idea how much I fully intended on hating the new Spider-man movie. More than the hyphen in the middle of his name, I loathe the idea of another origin story, I hate that Marc Webb (who has no experience) was tossed the gig seemingly to play up the teenie-bopper romance angles, and how enraged I was at the inclusion of the GD Lizard as the villain. Then came word of Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone’s involvement. Ok. He’s fine, and I adore her. Then came word Gwen Stacy would be the love interest that Stone was playing. Can’t hate that. Then came the lithe new costume design. Solid. Then came the mechanical web shooters. Oh Jesus, someone is pressing my buttons. Then came today’s news: The movie will be called The Amazing Spider-Man and the full costume looks like this:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I mean SERIOUSLY! Look at that pose! Look how you can see the web shooters! Look how his eyes don’t seem as goofy as the last series! That mask is PERFECT! Say what you will about whether there are spiraling lines around his boots, the mask is like 50% of the costume’s coolness and it is out of this world. I hate this. I know I’m going to be disappointed at ham-fisted dialogue and an attempt to Twilight -up the romance angles in this thing, but how am I supposed to remain rigid and naysaying when you show me that? The Amazing Spider-Man ? You producers are jerk-heads for reducing me to a non-rational fanboy like this.
We’re in the midst of a Thundercat renaissance, what with the new animated series on the way. But we have just gotten a glimpse into what might have been with this.
That’s test CGI for a movie that will now never happen…and that’s a good thing, given the unsophisticated look of the characters involved. Talking cat-people fighting with swords is always cool, and there are moments in there that I found alright, but overall it has the feel of that TMNT movie that was made to satisfy one person (and I happen to be friends with him). Point is, I’m curious as to what they’re doing with this semi-beloved 80s franchise. Glad to see that whatever it is they’re doing, it isn’t this.
Box Office Results: Bieber, boobs, and the bard
For real? Sandler’s movies can just do that much money every single time? He poops out a half-witted flick and we must give him a $30 million opening? And Bieber? Really? $30 million for him too? AND GNOMES? WE SUPPORTED THAT GNOE MOVIE THIS MUCH? You know that there are going to be like 12 direct-to-video sequels with those gnomes working their way through Shakespeare, right? Like they’ll one day get to garden gnomes doing Othello? Oy.
Here’s where the money went, haiku style:
1.) Just Go With It – $30.5 million (Accuracy of prediction – 97.5%)
I do not want to
“just go with” anything, jerks.
And you can’t make me.
2.) Never Say Never – $29.5 million (Accuracy of prediction – 99%)
Bieber cried last night,
when the boy went Grammy-less.
I’m crying for THIS.
3.) Gnomeo and Juliet – $25.5 million (Accuracy of prediction – 83%)
No…but for real gang…
this cannot be a hit, right?
IT’S ABOUT GNOMES, GUYS.
4.) The Eagle – $8.5 million (Accuracy of prediction – 97%)
It isn’t soaring
but it didn’t smack window.
So…that’s a good thing.
5.) The Roommate – $8 million (Accuracy of prediction – 94%)
Bye Minka Kelly!
Come back to the top 5 soon!
…with a better film…
Overall Accuracy of Prediction – 94%
Hey! I got an “A”!
I don’t do that too often.
This goes on the fridge.
Okay gang. Monday’s over, so go have a great week! And follow me on Twitter!