With apologizes to Mr. Eliot, February is the cruelest month. Football is over (maybe for, like, forever), it’s colder than the cockles of Rush Limbaugh’s soul, the weekly movie selections read more like a set of “dares” (seriously, who would voluntarily see The Roommate if it wasn’t some kind of physical challenge?). This is one of those months you just endure. And a MONDAY in FEBRUARY? Forget about it. That’s like gettin’ hit TWICE with the ugly stick. In other words, let’s just get this over with, shall we?

Will Aronofsky remember the unicorns?

Darren Aronofsky loves him some comic books. If you count his current courtship with Wolverine , which is set to fire on all cylinders the minute the acclaimed director stops doing the awards junkets for Black Swan , dude has been all up in some comic projects. He was supposed to relaunch Batman before Chris Nolan did his thang (but my money still says Aronofsky MAY do the Bat-toosie one day, as there will be a 2-3 year cool-off after Nolan completes his trilogy but then another inevitable relaunch). He released his original version of The Fountain (the CRIMINALLY UNDERRATED WORK OF ART) as a comic when his funding fell through at first. Now comes “Noah,” which was illustrated by the guy who did “Pride of Baghdad,” which should be Pixar’s Oscar movie one day (please, please, please).

As you can see, this is Aronofsky writing a weirdly postapocalyptic and beautiful take on Noah’s ark. He keeps saying he can’t see why all studios wouldn’t want to make this movie, and I have to agree with him. Biblical stuff alone guarantees a built-in audience, but combine that with a special effects showcase and you’ll have packed houses for months. Until such time as someone wises up, at least well have this new comic version to see how things look to good ole Darren in terms of pairing up animals for at-sea borking. Oh, and speaking of borked, when is Aronofsky going to win his directing award? After resurrecting Mickey Rourke’s career and (please, please) getting Natalie Portman an Oscar, can we just accept dude is directing the crap out of actors here? Give the man a statue…and maybe do it before TOM FRIGGIN’ HOOPER gets one.

But will they use “Werewolf Barmitzvah?”

Those two should be smiling, because when they work together everyone gets a bit of joy. After owning the world with Slumdog Millionaire and a good run with 127 Hours , director Danny Boyle and writer Simon Beaufoy may reteam for Sharp Teeth , a movie about werewolves in gangland LA. This will mark the first time urban gang warfare has combined with horror since Snoop Dogg did it, although I’m guessing the outcome may be slightly different this time. For me, this is absolutely great news, as I find Boyle to be at his best when working with more off-beat material. His deft use of sci-fi and horror have resulted in some of the best that both genres have seen, and I would welcome a return to that form for him. Apparently, the book upon which the movie will be based is pretty kick-ass, so this is definitely something that may happen. Wouldn’t it be nice if we had a werewolf movie that didn’t also involve sparkling vampires and audiences filled with people I loathe?

Box Office Results for the Weekend of February 4-6

Just like on Friday, I’m going to be combining this regularly into one post, instead of splitting it out into a separate one. It’s just easier that way, so trust me. Here’s how I did with my predictions this weekend, haiku style:

1.) The Roommate – $15 million (Accuracy of prediction – 80%)

Oh, Minka Kelly

what a siren’s song you sing

in this crap movie.

2.) Sanctum – $9.5 million (Accuracy of prediction – 77%)

No big name actors

and no unique storylines

what did you expect?

3.) No Strings Attached – $8 million (Accuracy of prediction – 90%)

This keeps on trucking

As Natalie keeps dragging

Kutcher’s ass along.

4.) The King’s Speech – $8 million (Accuracy of prediction – 84%)

It’s inoffensive

but as far as I’m concerned

that’s not good enough.

5.) The Green Hornet – $6 million (Accuracy of prediction – 91.5%)

Are we done here yet?

The sooner we move along

the better I feel.

Overall accuracy of prediction – 84.5%

I’m good with a “B”

Although I’d prefer an “A”

…I’ll “C” you later?

Follow me on Twitter! Dan Harmon retweeted me once, so I’m practically famous.


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