WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE? I lost a whole month of 2011. I mean, sure, it was January, which is so barely a month it may as well be February, but still…it can’t seriously be 1/12th of the year in the tank already, can it? Man, I’ve got a get my act together. Speaking of getting one’s act together: What’s worse, Snowpocalypse 2011 or the COVERAGE of Snowpocalypse 2011? I have heard this called “an historic” storm, but until Jake Gyllenhaal fights off CGI wolves and outruns “the cold spot,” how am I supposed to really weigh the meteorologic significance here? I mean, I haven’t even heard one peep from John Cusack regarding neutrinos or the shifting of the earth’s crust. (Fun fact: I have to look up John’s name every single time to see if it has a C in the last name. I care that little about committing it to memory. Oh, what, act like I’m supposed to still care about him after 2012. )

Before we get into what I deem worthy of repeating to you today regarding movie news, here’s a few tidbits I’m NOT sharing in detail: Hugh Jackman is “excited to do another Wolverine movie” and was told to use steroids by a blogger I admire (if Jackman isn’t jacked enough, I must make Olive Oyl look Olympian). James Cameron wants to shoot the next two Avatar movies in some wicked frame rate, with even more betterer 3D (no word if he’s just skipping straight to the fifth dimension). They may or may not be making not one but TWO more Final Destination movies, officially confirming the franchise’s status as “most ironically titled.” And, finally, Allison Brie has a cameo in Scream 4 . Okay, you caught me, given my “Community” obsession (it’s my new desktop background…giggle, giggle), you know I have to show you that image.

Oh, to be the man who gets to pat her on the head…

Now on to the news I DO deem worthy of talkity talk and bloggity blog.

Wait, but Joaquin Phoenix said he retired…he wouldn’t lie, would he?

Actor retirements are like comic book character deaths. When it was finally revealed that Joaquin Phoenix’s meltdown was a fake-out for a documentary that three people saw (meaning it was really worth it), we all knew it was just a matter of time before he decided to do some acting again.

He needed to come back with something that reminded everyone that as eccentric as he may be, he’s a hell of an actor capable of some intensely intimate work. So, yeah, Phoenix may star in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter as Abe’s vampire mentor. Right now, this is just an offer that’s out on the table. And anybody can make an offer and put it out there. Like, I offer Allison Brie the role of “Girl who sits on my couch while we watch her star in ‘Community’ together,” but that doesn’t mean she’s considering the role. Sadly, unlike Brie who is likely filing a restraining order as we speak, it wouldn’t surprise me if Phoenix was signing on the dotted line.

We’re all gonna die…again.

I got Abbie (my wife) “The Stand” for Christmas. She loves postapocalyptic survival books to the point where we readily discuss our plans and strategies for that inevitable day when the zombies emerge. It’s adorable. Her addiction, not the zombies. She had never read the standard-bearer for postapocalyptic writing and is now slogging her way through the mountain of pages. Turns out, she’s got a strict deadline of a year or two to finish, as they are now going to make a new The Stand adaptation for the big screen. Not that the miniseries from 15 years ago isn’t still etched in our minds. It starred…um…I do not remember. It’s no surprise that this property is being revisited. What’s surprising is that I like the idea. It can work well in 2 hours, provided they don’t worry about fan outcry over each and every minor incident and subplot. Those work in books. That’s the thing that kill me about people and adaptations. I was far more pissed about them making web shooters organic in Raimi’s take on Spider-man than the loss of any minor subplots. Why? Well, that was a major character thing that showed how smart Peter Parker was. But if they have to trim fringe characters and extra scenes, that’s fine with me. If you like all the extra filling in there, all the dense stuff…it’s called reading and nobody is stopping you from doing it. The point is this: I hope they make a 2-hour, awesome movie out of this material and not a 3-hour opus to get every minor pit-stop in.

Let’s settle this Diaz thing once and for all

I have shifted from finding Cameron Diaz a pretty distraction to pretty much loathing her existence.

Her name in a cast list is pretty much the kiss of death these days. So let’s see what happens in Gambit . Aside from Diaz’s inclusion, the only other knock is that it’s a remake. But it’s written by Joel and Ethan Coen, and Diaz will star opposite Colin Firth in a heist movie. I mean, that’s probably the best shot she’s going to have to get off my “Doody Actress” list, right? The Coens’ pens are among the best in the biz, and Firth is so charming I probably won’t throw things for his impending Oscar win despite it being totally unwarranted. I don’t know if it will be good, but it’s the last, best chance Diaz has in my book. And I know my opinion of her keeps her up at night.

Okay, that’s it for today gang. See you tomorrow, when hopefully some cooler stuff happens.

Follow me on Twitter…pretty please!

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