Last week’s unexpected absence was…unexpected… Riiiight. Look, I’m not going to pretend I’m not slightly off my game. I could go into the blah-blah-blah and rigmarole that has resulted in more disruptions in my publishing schedule in the last 3 months than in the last 3 years, but you come here to be entertained and not explained at. My question is this: Do you read this blog on the daily? Do you read it intermittently? If I went to a Monday/Wednesday/Friday schedule would that affect your life? Does it have to be even that rigid or can it just be “whenever I feel like it but at least a few times a week?” I need feedback here, people, and if you want to do it privately because you don’t want to vault whatever moderate security we have blocking the comments section, a quick email to {encode=”” title=””} would be more than welcomed. Just use the subject line “Hey doucheface who doesn’t blog enough” and I’ll know what you’re emailing about. Honestly, I want to give you what you want…but if I’m killing myself to update this 5 times a week when you only read it once a week, I’d sure like to know that. Then again, if you’re reading it every day, and I’m not throwing words down a deep, dark cyber well, I’ll be more inclined to keep up with it. What I’m saying is, I’m like Tinkerbell on her deathbed. So either get to clapping or prepare a shoebox in which to bury our rigidly daily blogs.

It’s not just me, by the by. This year has had a lot of minor schedule tweaks and twirks that have left the world dizzied and doozied. For example…I didn’t do a big-ass “OSCAR PREDICTIONS MOTHAF**KAS” column in the print version of The Reader this year. Why? Because they moved the gosh-darn Oscars up from March is why. That, combined with the fact that we’re really trying to push this whole new-fangled technology called a “web site” on folks has resulted in the following breaking news (gird your loins): On Friday I will dump upon your faces the best and only predictions you will ever need for Oscar Sunday. Then, on Oscar Sunday itself, follow me on Twitter to watch as I live tweet the Oscars! Yep, it’s that time of year when all of my facebook friends hate me because my twitter feed is tied into my facebook page. Meaning they get 1000 notifications every time I slam whatever hobo-gear Helena Bonham Carter is wearing or insult the potato-headed Academy for thinking The King’s Speech is anything other than okay. It should be a good time. Also, feel free to predict against me in the comments section. If you win, I will give you absolutely nothing…well, nothing but respect.

So what news do I have to share with you today? Nothing special, but seeing as how we’re already here, let’s do this thing:

Charlie Sheen’s list of desires extends one beyond “hookers and blow”

“Two and a Half Men” is at least 50 times more popular than it is funny, and that was before the whole thing started serving as a weird, bizarro meta-commentary on the life of a womanizer playing a womanizer. I have caught clips of it so many times in syndication that it has caused me to develop “Cyer-itis,” where my face’s pungent reaction to the barfy dialogue makes it look like I’m doing an impression of Jon Cryer. Anyway, Sheen has been talking up a desire for another Major League movie. You know, because we all want to see Wild Thing in his 50s. I understand nobody can escape the genius of this semi-classic, as evidenced below.

But, seriously, Chuck, you have bigger fish to fry than willing a resurrection of a franchise that got Scott Backula’d. Seriously. Google that shit. I’m not kidding.

And now…a “Community” rant

It’s quickly becoming obvious to me that even though they are on different nights and target entirely different audiences, pop culture is once more dividing us as human beings. Either you’re a “Modern Family” person or you’re a “Community” person. As Quentin Tarantino wrote in the script for Pulp Fiction, this is like the Elvis vs The Beatles conversation: You can like both, but you can only love one. And if you love “Modern Family,” you’re wrong. Sorry. But you are. Very wrong. That show is fine, bland, Joe Average material filtered through uninspired scenarios using a mockumentary approach that doesn’t even have a possible reason to exist. “Community” appropriately skewered that style in last week’s episode, punching its competitor for the lazy job that it does in explaining its jokes and generally recycling material. Many good friends and family I respect love “Modern Family.” Smart people. But smart people also invented the Hindenberg.

Why am I saying all this? Because last week’s episode of “Community” showed once and for all that it is the definitive family sitcom, albeit one without any related characters. Without stooping into melodrama or hackneyed situations, I watched as Jeff dealt with his father issues, Brita dealt with her compulsive need to be seen as a good person, Shirley dealt with her obsession about how she is perceived, and Pierce dealt with the fact that he is incapable of making others love him, even on his deathbed. That’s heavy, heady stuff here. Oh, and meanwhile the show skewered “Modern Family” and delivered some of the biggest laughs involving LeVar Burton…or at least the biggest laughs that involve him hearing what people are saying.

Bigger laugh at the end of the credits than “Modern Family” has gotten all year from people who aren’t still entertained by gay dudes making jokes about being effeminate or Sofia Veraga’s boobs. Why the grumpy anger? I’m terrified that “Community” won’t find the audience it deserves…EVER…and instead will be doomed to cancellation by those who would rather see this world “Two and a Half Men”-ed to death. Don’t let this happen. Please. Jump on board the right team and start plugging the most inspired and endearing show to come along in years. Pretty please…

In other “ugh” news

Latino Review says that Kevin Costner may play “Pa” Kent in the Superman sequel/remake thingie. Seriously, this is a video he made once.

The major story behind what he does is that he has dedicated his life to being terrible. I can only react to this possible casting by hoping that in the new version Pa Kent runs afoul of Superman and gets laser visioned in the crotch. It’s that kind of day.

Follow me on Twitter NOW and beat the Oscar Sunday rush!

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