I have new appreciation for the depths of Han Solo’s affection for Luke Skywalker today. If a dear friend of mine was laying in the middle of my driveway, I would have to seriously reconsider how much he or she meant to me given the overwhelming amount of ice out there and the sub-sub-sub-zero wind chills. My mailwoman was driving an AT-AT. I could keep going with the Hoth jokes, but can we just leave this by saying any day in which a sneeze could cost you your nose thanks to hypothermia is a shit-tacular weather day. I don’t even really want to blog today, but I need to keep my fingers moving or else risk losing them.
Today’s news is chock-full of marginally interesting items and potentially “huhbuhwha” moments. So let’s get to it.
After Eat, Pray, Love , I could have told you Julia Roberts was evil
Tarsem Singh’s visuals are juicy. He is one of the 3-4 people who could get me actively interested in any re-re-retelling of a Grimm’s Fairy Tale, let alone Snow White. Apparently, I’m not the only one, as elongated hottie Julia Roberts is so willing to work with the director she’s willing to go evil for him.
Seen here being chased by a stalker with an umbrella fetish, the red-headed beauty has long been a stalwart of the good. Even her hookers tended to err on the side of true love and sweetness and not heroin addiction and alleyway shanking. It may be refreshing to see her finally cutting loose, as that laugh has always suggested something sinister lives in her throat.
God is cruel
How they combined my favorite fictional character, my favorite band, and a director I greatly respect and did whatever it is they apparently did to “Spider-man: Turn Off the Dark” I’ll never understand. The critics reviews are rolling in finally, as the show is officially moving from preview to full showings. This video that I found on Slashfilm is perhaps the best and least painful way to experience what they had to say.
Maybe they meant “inept” in a good way? Look, I long ago gave up hope that this would be as transcendentally awesome as the young boy in me thought (I mean that metaphorically, I did not swallow a prepubescent). I obviously still want to see this, but now it’s more because I have to know if it really is as bad as they’re saying. Having seen the trailer for Captain America earlier this week during some meaningless football game that the Devil’s favorite team won, I realized that we are so lucky to see comics treated with such expensive respect. That movie looks so great. Then to see and hear this…it’s probably just a byproduct of this comic book enthusiasm. It’s a casualty I’m willing to endure if we continue to have artists attempting to find new ways to explore my favorite medium. I say that…and then I see the picture of “Swiss Miss,” the villain they created for this musical…and I want to throw up.
When they said there wouldn’t be any more Sex and the City SEQUELS…
File this under “shut yo mouth, fool.” Apparently, they’re considering a Sex and the City prequel.
Rumor has it that Blake Lively, shown here in “full doily” mode, would star as a young Carrie Bradshaw. Meaning, if we kill her, we negate the existence of the entire series. This is obviously the worst idea of the day that didn’t begin with “get me the lighter and the gas.” I just don’t understand why anyone would consider further unraveling the fabric of our great society like this. I could expound further, but the great Lindy West used all of the funny the world ever gets to have regarding this series with her review of the second film. Sometimes when I get sad, I read that review and the world seems happy again. At any rate, this may never happen, but if it does, the only bright spot will be another West review on the matter.
The Internet is stoopid
There’s supposed casting news about the new Superman today.
Shown here fully bedazzled, the Internet is trying to convince itself that Lindsay Lohan would get a part in the new Zack Snyder reboot of the man of steel. Bwahahahahaha. Lionsgate wouldn’t insure Lohan to do a press junket for Shitty Horror Movie 17: The Shittiest Horror Movie Ever The way movies work, especially big ones, necessitates that no work stoppages occur…especially ones caused by, say, a starlet going “Breaking Bad” on everyone. Might she do a cameo? No. Might she have been considered by the director? No. Might one of her people have leaked her name in the hopes of getting attention? My sarcastic magic 8 ball says “Noooooooooooooo….that would nnnneeeeeeeevvvvvvveeeeerrrrr happen.” This thing has been passed around Twitter and movie sites enough for all of the Internet to be dumber for having seen it. Sorry to perpetuate it.
To absolve myself, here’s a cool Superman thing.
Charming, huh? I wish there was more of it!
Okay, that’s it for me. Follow me on Twitter until I see you tomorrow!