Why would people see a movie this weekend? Don’t they know they have to spend Friday night shopping for goodies for Sunday’s Bears game, spend Saturday doing the necessary voodoo and sacrifices, and spend Sunday morning crying, breathing into a bag, and then trying not to barf as the Bears attempt to go to the Super Bowl? That’s what everybody else is doing right? Well, apparently, that’s not what Natalie Portman wants. Even though she’s saucy and tempting in a movie that has to do with her trying to please her insatiable lust, I am not fooled. It also stars Ashton Kutcher. So even if I was tempted to tell people to go see it this weekend for her hot lady parts, I’d be recommending Kutcher, and nobody does that. Nobody.

Here’s how I see the weekend for those who aren’t as big a Bears fan as I am (ie, the rest of the world), haiku style:

1.) No Strings Attached – $18 million

Nice try, Natalie

but I will not be fooled here.

Back, you saucy minx!

2.) The Green Hornet – $17 million

Hope you liked last week

because it’s all downhill now.

Say “bye bye” Hornet.

3.) The Dilemma – $9 million

This is a big flop

but I could have told you that.

Comedies need jokes.

4.) True Grit – $8 million

Keep it up, Rooster!

This is a remake legend!

Give us more Westerns!!!

5.) The King’s Speech – $8 million

It’s just not that good.

I mean, I know it’s not bad

but it isn’t GOOD.

Wildcard – Black Swan – $7.5 million

Two-hit Natalie

has a lot to be proud of!

Except for her laugh.

Okay, that’s it for me. It’s now all Bears all the time.

Follow me on Twitter and hear me freak out about the Bears.

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