Good morning! 50 Cent is a piece of shit. Sorry, I know it’s an abrupt way to start your Tuesday, but I thought I would just put that out there ahead of the story to follow.

Chances are, I wouldn’t have wanted to see The Lives of Saints anyway, given that it’s a pretentious sounding, multi-character, plotless, “everybody’s lives intersect in Los Angeles” flick from writer/director Chris Rossi. Adding the adorable Kat Dennings was a nice move, as she doesn’t get enough gigs for as charming as she can be, in comparison to vapid, shallow, wafer-thin starlets who gobble up screen time to compensate for what they’re not eating.

Then they added Meg Ryan, or the thing that swallowed Meg Ryan.

Seriously, she looks like someone took a wax impression of Meg Ryan’s face and put it on a mannequin. That’s how that woman looks now. She did that to herself so she wouldn’t “look old” and so she could “keep working.” She hasn’t appeared in anything in forever and looks like the “after” photo in a “this is what using silly putty impressions as the basis for plastic surgery can do for you” series.

Then they added this douche shaped like a human being.

The talentless mumbler who should never have been famous in the first place has decided to be an actor, most likely because he’s looking for a way to stop embarrassing himself with his “hip hop career,” which will from now on get quotation marks to indicate how hilarious it is that he calls himself a musician. Why all the rage? Because after those gay teens killed themselves, 50 took to the internets to basically say “that’s what all gay people should do.” He did this because he’s been plagued by rumors of his homosexuality for years. Obviously, the best way to deny being gay is to tear down the community. It works every time, just look at all those hateful closeted Republicans who dedicate their lives to denying the group they are forever destined to belong to the rights they deserve. I don’t know if 50 Cent is gay. I think it’s bull that most of that comes from his lispy voice, but think it’s valid that he’s constantly shirtless and writhing in body oil…because straight dudes don’t typically do that. If he is gay and is in a violent stage of self-loathing, I somewhat pity him. I say somewhat because NOTHING excuses saying things that encourage tortured youths to harm themselves. He’s a piece of shit. Until such time as he comes forward, outs himself, and becomes a dedicated spokesman to the community he betrayed, I will think he’s a piece of shit. Happy Tuesday.

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