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Our new publishing system was hand crafted by the dark lord Satan. I had this brilliant rant wherein I broke down why I love the Oscars and why it’s okay to watch the Oscars even though hipster bloggers hate the Oscars and try to show you how cool they are by creating the perfect “I could give a shit about the Oscars…here are my Oscar thoughts” post. I was hilarious and eloquent. You would have wept and laughed and possibly had things happen in your pants! Then the world wide web barfed fury upon me and swallowed my creation into the cyber hellmouth that lies behind my monitor.

So the gist is this: The Oscars matter because people watch it. Maybe not everyone, but lots of people. The Oscars don’t matter because a group mostly composed of rich white dudes can’t really judge what the “best” films of the year are. They’re entertainment, pure and simple, and just like all entertainment, if you like it you like it and if you don’t you don’t. Me? I like to watch it AND bitch about it, because that’s the most entertainment I can derive out of it. Oh, and in my original post I managed to work in a rant about what in the Nicholas Cage is happening to Joel McHale’s hair on “Community.” It included the phrase “I’d rather have thinning hair and a five-head than have it look like my brain barfed a beaver.” Don’t ask me how I got there, other than I’m always thinking of “Community.” Anyway, here’s my thoughts on Oscar night. Take it or leave it. I originally had these detailed explanations for why I made each pick I made, and I may go in and put them up later, but I don’t have the strength to retype that whole mess. So here you go, the rapid-fire version of my picks.

Best Picture

Black Swan

The Fighter

Inception

The Kids Are All Right

The King’s Speech

127 Hours

The Social Network

Toy Story 3

True Grit

Winter’s Bone

Should win: Inception

Will win: The King’s Speech

Best Director Darren Aronofsky – Black Swan

David O. Russell – The Fighter

Tom Hooper – The King’s Speech

David Fincher – The Social Network

Joel & Ethan Coen – True Grit

Should win: Darren Aronofsky

Will win: Tom Hooper

Best Actor

Javier Bardem – Biutiful

Jeff Bridges – True Grit

Jesse Eisenberg – The Social Network

Colin Firth – The King’s Speech

James Franco – 127 Hours

Should win: Jeff Bridges Will win: Colin Firth

Best Actress

Annette Bening – The Kids Are All Right

Nicole Kidman – Rabbit Hole

Jennifer Lawrence – Winter’s Bone

Natalie Portman – Black Swan

Michelle Williams – Blue Valentine

Should win and will win: Natalie Portman

Best Supporting Actor

Christian Bale – The Fighter

John Hawkes – Winter’s Bone

Mark Ruffalo – The Kids Are All Right

Jeremy Renner – The Town

Geoffrey Rush – The King’s Speech

Should win and will win: Christian Bale

Best Supporting Actress

Amy Adams – The Fighter

Helena Bonham Carter – The King’s Speech

Melissa Leo – The Fighter

Hailee Steinfeld – True Grit

Jacki Weaver – Animal Kingdom

Should win: Melissa Leo

Will win: Hailee Steinfeld

Best Original Screenplay

Another Year

The Fighter

Inception

The Kids Are All Right

The King’s Speech

Should win: Inception

Will win: The King’s Speech

Best Adapted Screenplay

127 Hours

The Social Network

Toy Story 3

True Grit

Winter’s Bone

Should win and will win: The Social Network

Best Animated Feature

How to Train Your Dragon

The Illusionist

Toy Story 3

Should win and will win: Toy Story 3

Best Foreign Language Film

Biutiful

Dogtooth

In a Better World

Incendies

Outside the Law

Should win and will win: Biutiful

Best Documentary Feature

Exit Through the Gift Shop

Gasland

Inside Job

Restrepo

Waste Land

Should win: Exit Through the Gift Shop

Will win: Inside Job

Best Animated Short

Day & Night

The Gruffalo

Let’s Pollute

The Lost Things

Madagascar, carnet de voyage (Madagascar, a Journey Diary)

Should win: Madagascar

Will win: Day & Night

Best Documentary Short

Killing in the Name

Poster Girl

Stranger No More

The Warriors of Qiugang

Should win and will win: Stranger No More

Best Art Direction

Alice in Wonderland

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1

Inception

The King’s Speech

True Grit

Should win: Inception

Will win: The King’s Speech

Best Cinematography

Black Swan

Inception

The King’s Speech

The Social Network

True Grit

Should win: Inception

Will win: The King’s Speech

Best Costume Design

Alice in Wonderland

I Am Love

The King’s Speech

The Tempest

True Grit

Should win: True Grit

Will win: Alice in Wonderland

Best Film Editing

The Social Network

Black Swan

The Fighter

The King’s Speech

127 Hours

Should win: Black Swan

Will win: The King’s Speech

Best Live Action Short

The Confession

The Crush

God of Love

Na Wewe

Wish 143

Should win: God of Love

Will win: Wish 143

Best Original Score

How to Train Your Dragon

Inception

The King’s Speech

127 Hours

The Social Network

Should win: Inception

Will win: The Social Network

Best Original Song

“Coming Home” – Country Strong

“I See the Light” – Tangled

“If I Rise” – 127 Hours

“We Belong Together” – Toy Story 3

Should win: “We Belong Together”

Will win: “If I Rise”

Best Makeup

Barney’s Version

The Way Back

The Wolfman

Should win and will win: The Wolfman

Best Visual Effects

Alice in Wonderland

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1

Hereafter

Inception

Iron Man 2

Should win and will win: Inception

Best Sound Editing

Inception

Toy Story 3

TRON: Legacy

True Grit

Unstoppable

Should win and will win: Inception

Best Sound Mixing

Salt

The Social Network

True Grit

Inception

The King’s Speech

Should win and will win: Inception


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