“With great junk, comes great responsibility” – Better Off Ted

It’s been too long since you saw my junk. I’m embarrassed, but last Friday I just couldn’t get it up. That sacred day that signals the beginning of the (week)end, the day reserved by a devoted legion of followers out there for rolling around in my junk, came and went with nary a peek. It wasn’t the first time, and it won’t be the last, but I do apologize for depriving you of my junk. How are you supposed to kick off the weekend without seeing it? It’s what sets your course, gives you the direction for your free time. Why, without my junk, what would you think about all weekend? How are you supposed to get through those last few hours of your workweek without my junk?

Of course, by “junk,” I mean my collection of movie tidbits and nuggets too small to warrant their own blog post. It’s basically exactly what I’m doing the rest of the week, but I get to make more inappropriate references. Hey, you’re lucky I didn’t think of anything fart-based because, let’s face it, farts are the Esperanto of comedy. We start each weekly edition of my junk by looking at the creepy-ass image above, taken from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. I choose an item and make up a story about it for no good reason. It amuses me, and until someone tells me it’s (A) pointless or (B) hilarious, I’m going to just assume it’s everybody’s most favorite thing ever.

Today’s item is the battery in the middle. Some people were outraged after Michael Bay introduced the most racist characters not currently in the Tea Party, but hey, those are the breaks when you strike a deal with Satan. The dark lord demands that you wear a mullet for eternity and introduce characters that are one “mammy” away from inciting a riot. Them’s the breaks. Luckily, one intrepid fan of robots that transform into other robot-like things had enough. Infused with a passion for social justice and one of the remaining cans of 4-Loko, the erstwhile chap began stealing the batteries out of the laptops on which the CGI monstrosities were conceived. Of course, given Bay’s budget of 5 billion euros, this was a mere nuisance at best, but one brave soul managed to push the release of the third installment, Transformers: We’re Going After Jews and Latinos This Time back 2 days. Small victory? Certainly. But when you’re fighting the right hand mullet of an unholy beast, you take what you can get.

Okay, enough with that, on to the movie news. Oh, and I’m going with something new. In the interest of only wrangling this challenging booger of a system once a day, I’m going to stick the weekly box office predictions in the fourth spot here every week right before the trailers. What? It’s like how you KNOW that the duct tape and the Phillips-head screwdriver are always in the junk drawer. There’s comfort in that.

1.) Set photos make Ryan sad

If you listen closely, you can hear my brief hope for the new Spider-man film slip away in the space of one W-T-F. What do I mean?

Why does my Spider-man have a black bing bong? What’s he doing to that Michael Bay impersonator? Why does the spider on his back appear to have gone on a celebrity starlet diet? Why does it look like he has ice skates on? Look, I get it. They can fix a LOT in post-production. This is likely going to be tinkered with like crazy and may end up looking good. Hell, at least they’re TRYING a real costume (cough, Green Lantern looks like a rejected Cartoon Network pilot). I get it, but at the same time…dude…what the hell?

2.) Affleck + Clooney = Mad man love

Ben Affleck can direct anything he wants right now.

He’s that hot. If he was like “I want to finally do my live-action Gummy Bears movie,” it would be in pre-production faster than you can say Battleship. So it’s encouraging that a man on as much of a roll as the ‘Fleck has chosen wisely. He’s in negotiations to direct a project for producer George “All I do is help Darfur and bang hotties” Clooney called Argo , which sounds awesome. It’s about a real-life story in which CIA operatives rescued Americans in Iran during the hostage crisis by pretending to be shooting a sci-fi movie set in Iran. Seriously. Yeah, it may sound a little like The Informant meets Wag the Dog but that’s not an insult. Plus, I don’t think ALL the extras in Iran can have Boston accents. Although, that would be hilarious. This is a good idea and represents both a stretch and a nice change of pace from my boy Ben. Just don’t mess up. Nobody around here threw away their “Damon’s Bitch” shirts with your picture on it.

3.) Dude, do you REALLY want to star with a movie that has madness in the title?

Despite opening himself for an insane number of jokes…about his insanity…Tom Cruise is reportedly doing the “maybe” dance with Guillermo del Toro for At the Mountains of Madness .

I’m not saying it’s not a potentially good movie with a great director, I’m just saying when you’re trying to run away from a certain image, you don’t star in a movie with that in the title. I mean, that would be like Ashton Kutcher starring in Mentally Challenged or Jennifer Aniston starring in Love Me…Please . I do like that this means the project will probably actually happen, a rarity for Lovecraft adaptations that are in any way aspiring to be faithful. And you know what? Cruise is actually a great choice for the part. He’s a good actor, and this is the sort of material I think he handles best. So, let’s see. And by let’s see, I mean let’s see how many jokes late-night talk show hosts are going to lob at ole toothy mccruise over this one.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

The same rules apply as usual, I’m just shoehorning this in here. The Super Bowl is this weekend, which means while I’m deciding whether it’s worse to root for a team I despise more than anything that doesn’t rhyme with Blenn Geck or a team with a rape-enthusiast on it, nobody is seeing movies. The biggest releases this week involve a Single White Female retread and a cave movie. Yeesh. Here’s how I see it, haiku style.

1.) Sanctum – $12 million

James Cameron or not

this will not be a big hit

with non-spelunkers

2.) The Roommate – $12 million

Grr Minka Kelly!

And as far as the plot goes…

Grr…Minka Kelly!

3.) The King’s Speech – $9 million

This non-best movie

keeps on racking up awards

and also my ire.

4.) No Strings Attached – $8 million

I love Natalie

but I have found my limit.

Kutcher negates her.

5.) The Rite – $7 million

Pardon me for this.

But if this is what is Rite

I’d rather be Rong.

Wildcard – The Green Hornet – 7 million

Better luck next time

This did not hit the jackpot.

Rogen, hit the bong!

5.) Trailers, Parked

For this week, we have sexy dancing,

First up is Freak Dance , a feature-length ACTUAL MUSICAL from The Upright Citizens Brigade. I love sketch comedy troupes, and when they go all-out in a full format, I usually enjoy myself (I’m thinking of you Derek Comedy). Here’s what UCB has to offer…it involves rubbing.

Do you like your assassin films to involve young girls? Don’t answer that. I really don’t want to know. I do know that I like Cate Blanchett, I loved “Alias,” and I adored Le Femme Nikita . Hanna pushes all those buttons.

This one makes me the happiest, as it is a run-of-the-mill, Apatow-styled, buddies-being-naughty comedy…only with a cast ENTIRELY made of ladies. Written by Kristen Wiig, this looks fantastic…and is 100% less likely to have jokes written by dudes trying to write funny stuff for chicks. Howsabout that? A lady-written comedy for ladies who love comedy? Here’s Bridesmaids

That’s it for my junk this week. I hope you enjoyed my junk. Tell your friends about my junk and follow me on Twitter (Dan Harmon, creator of “Community” retweeted me last night…so I’m a pretty big deal)!

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