“With great junk, comes great responsibility” – Better Off Ted

You can always tell how excited I am by my junk. If my junk seems all peppy and wild, it’s probably a good indication that I can’t wait for what this weekend will bring. There’s no doubt in my mind that given the Chicago Bears playing for the NFC Championship on Sunday, my junk will indicate how thrilled I am, how unbelievably stoked I am. If you were to say to me, “Hey, Ryan…you seemed so excited that your junk was out of control,” it wouldn’t surprise me. You know what, I don’t care! It’s a Chicago Bears playoff weekend so my junk will be as crazy as it wants!

Obviously, by junk I mean movie news that isn’t big enough to warrant including in other posts. I collect it in my “junk drawer,” because I find it allows me to make lewd jokes easier. We begin each weekly peek into my junk drawer by taking a look at the creepy-ass image above, taken from Highlights Magazine…FOR CHILDREN! I then pick an item and write a story that makes no sense about it. Nobody ever comments on said story or has ever indicated that they enjoy me doing this, but just like Kanye West, I do whatever I want to because it’s cool now. Today’s item is the fuzzy thing wrapping beneath the battery thing in the middle. Knowing that the Bears would be undermanned and outgunned by Aaron “I walk on water, resuscitate drowning puppies, and poop bricks of gold” Rogers, they had to do something. It was too late to bring in new players or new coaches, but it wasn’t too late to go voodoo on the Packer asses. With a pair of scissors and a plane ticket to Bristol, Lovie Smith tracked down a sleeping Mike Ditka. What Smith knew, what all of us know, is that Ditka’s power…was always in his mustache. With a quick but quiet clip, Smith slunk out of Ditka’s palatial estate the proud owner of a new mustache. He’d hide it in a drawer for now, but come game day, with the power of the mustache in his pocket, no Packer could possibly survive!

Enough tomfoolery, let’s do this thing! Here are the stories that comprise my junk this week:

1.)RDJ comes to his senses while Johnny D loses his – Despite coming off like a petulant douche-hole at the Golden Globes, I think Robert Downey Jr is a smart fella. Now. He’s a smart fella now. Not so much with the drugs and the breaking and entering, the modern RDJ makes great career choices (other than The Soloist …dude…what happened there?). So it’s no surprise to me that he’s punting a role in The Great and Powerful Oz , because the first A-hole who biffs up the legacy of The Wizard of Oz will get gotten the hardest. So with him out of the role of the Wizard in Sam Raimi’s upcoming unnecessary crapping on the yellow brick road, the person who steps in will have to be thick-skinned and bankable.

That’s right, it’s looking like Johnny the Whore is sizing up the Wizard’s cloak. Quick side note: How does Johnny Depp know when he’s done dressing? Is there like an accessory limit he reaches? He looks like he killed and ate a hipster and is wearing its remains. Anyway, Johnny D is more than willing to step in to whatever poopity poop role is out there these days, and this is just another example of that. I don’t know when he caught Samuel L Jackson-itis, but if he does take on this after doing what he done to Wonka and Alice, I have to reevaluate my tolerance for this France-living, vagrant-dressing mophead.

2.)You should get two Knightleys for a Cotillard – Cronenberg’s Cosmopolis could be brilliant. When it was Cronenberg’s Cosmopolis starring Cotillard, it was damn near a sure thing. But then Marion got impregnated by someone insanely lucky and now Cronenberg traded a Cotillard for a Knightley. Seriously, though, that can’t be the proper exchange rate, can it? You should get two of these for one of Cotillard.

By the by, does Knightley even do movies that don’t require her to dress in dated costumes? I just figured she has some sort of deep corset addiction, or at the very least has an allergic reaction to modern fabrics. Someone told me they liked her in costume dramas, to which I responded “then her career must be a wet dream for you.” Anyway, the jury is still out on her talents, and this movie is one that’s going to lean heavily on a weird feel to work, which means she’ll have some heavy lifting to do…and those arms don’t scream “heavy lifting” to me.

3.)You can’t remake Lethal Weapon …right? – Truth time: You can remake anything if you do a good job with it. It’s true. Inherently, there may be no reason to do it, but if you do a good job at it, nothing “can’t be remade.” Except Lethal Weapon . Why? Well because you are really NOT remaking Lethal Weapon when you remake Lethal Weapon . You’re just making a new buddy cop movie. Oh, sure, you can CALL the character Riggs and Murtaugh, but it doesn’t mean anything. Those characters were once-in-a-lifetime hits with audiences. Maybe I’m not explaining myself right…when you recast Lethal Weapon and rewrite Lethal Weapon and make slight changes, you don’t have Lethal Weapon anymore. You have, I don’t know, one of the thousand or so wacky buddy cop movies out there. So despite this, they are remaking the film, presumably with a non-racist in the lead.

4.)This is the 7-year-old object of a werewolf’s affection – I don’t usually spoil movies that aren’t even made yet, but if you watch the Twilight movies, you’ve already read the books. That’s just a fact. The crossover is 100%. Nobody says “I only like the movies.” I will declare that an indisputable fact. So it won’t bother anyone that I’m about to make a ton of jokes regarding how Mr. Lautner and his fabulous abs are going to have to try to fall in love with this.

That’s how Remesmee is going to look. She’s 7 and “reaches full maturity quickly” or some such absolute horseshit. You want to talk about the creepiest thing you will EVER and I mean EVER see or hear in a movie, I present to you the character who will have a full-grown, muscular adult in love with her. I just can’t put into words for you how ridiculous this is. Maybe I can…it’s so insane I kind of want to see this last movie. For realz. But then I would break that 100% stat I gave you up front. Ooooh, do I make a liar of myself and see the most messed up finish to a movie series ever, or do I keep my dignity and miss out on batshit insanity…only time will tell.

5.)Trailers, parked – Finally, here are some trailers for you, the most notable of which is the first one, which is a non-remake sequel to an old movie…something that somehow now feels dignified in our modern era.

Scream 4 could well suck. Or not. I don’t know. Someone help me by weighing in on the trailer here.

Red Riding Hood could well suck. Or not. I don’t know. Someone help me by weighing in on the trailer here.

Rubber will suck. It will. I know. But everyone should weigh in on the trailer here and then go see the movie because it’s about a G.D. possessed tire killing people. That’s…it’s just…sorry, I’m trying to type through tears…it’s just so beautiful.

Okay, that’s my junk for this week. I need your full love and support for my Bears right now, so drop everything else and begin prayers and witchcraft.

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