“With great junk, comes great responsibility” – Better Off Ted

Finally! I made you wait for my junk too long this week, and I apologize. My junk is something that nobody should wait for, as a general rule. I’ve been trying to get people to look at my junk whenever they want for years now. The more the merrier, when it comes to my junk, I say! And yet, here I go, making you think my junk wasn’t going to pop up this week. But it did! My junk always delivers in the end.

Obviously, I don’t mean what you think I mean. I mean, I do mean what you think I mean, but I only mean it as a joke. My “junk” is really just movie news that’s too small to warrant a regular blog post by itself. Instead, I gather up a bunch of nuggets and things like screws you find lying around your house and shove them in a “drawer” (meaning one column like this). What’s that? You don’t randomly find screws in your house? Really? It’s entirely possible that I either have a ghost version of Johnny Appleseed who chucks screws and not apple-starters (Johnny Screwseed?) or random chairs are going to fall apart one day when I sit in them. Should be fun. Anyhoodle, we begin each installment of my Junk Drawer by taking a look at that illustration of a junk drawer up top. It’s creepy (extra creepy now that I put that black background on it), but somehow it’s from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. Weird. Anyway, I pick an item from the image and make a story about it that’s weird because doing so amuses me.

Today’s item is the green and red thing in the corner. “You can too turn a cucumber inside out,” said little Billy, whose boasts often involved doing things to produce. “Nuh uh,” said little Sally, whose distrust of little Billy was frequently thwarted by his prepubescent dimples. “Yeah huh,” said little Billy, who would one day attempt to use the same argument style in his divorce proceedings. “Nuh UH” said little Sally, who believed repetition was God’s divine gift to humanity. “Watch me,” said little Billy, who believed anything was possible if you tried hard enough except math. “Ewwww” said little Sally, who would one day have the same reaction to a cucumber. “See,” said little Billy, who really thought he turned the cucumber inside out. “I’m telling the teacher,” said little Sally, who probably saved Billy’s life that day.

Okay, that’s enough, let’s get to some newsy nuggets!

1.) Cruise Hathaway of rocking

As has been threatened for some time now, it looks like Tom Cruise IS going to sing and dance on purpose. In his quest to regain legitimacy as an actor and icon, Cruise will star in a mediocre musical involving shitty 80s hair bands. His agent, who presumably just won a bet, has negotiated for the former hottest actor in the world to star in Rock of Ages , a movie destined to be remembered as having happened. With the toothy wonder locked in, casting has moved forward to target some ladies, most notably Anne Hathaway.

Hathaway loves her some singing and dancing, and unlike Cruise, watching her do it is enjoyable for the right reasons. It’s not clear how close she is to signing, and I’m not entirely sure if her character would get romantically involved with Cruise or anything. I could probably find out, but I feel like spending more of my life on this subject is a decision I’d regret.

2.) Now that he’s fixed California…

I decided to try to make a thinly veiled political criticism of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s work as governor of California with my title here. I know it’s not impressive, but if you consider the number of doofuses (is the plural doofusi?) running with some variation of “He said he’d be back” as a title, you should probably throw roses at me. Anyway, dude is seriously looking for acting work again. I suppose this is good news, because his work in politics only may have involved ruining California’s economy forever…and thus ruining America’s economy forever. Oh well, it still went better than Jingle All the Way . This stage in Arnie’s career was always going to be tough, being that he was most known for being muscular and talking funny. We liked to watch him fight and stuff, something older dudes don’t do as well. And now making fun of his voice is running dangerously close to picking on the elderly. I do have a solution!

That’s right! We should only hire the CGI version of Arnold they used in the last Terminator movie. What was the name of that one again? Terminator: You Will Regret This? Anyway, chances are that they won’t use this brilliant computerized version of the formerly swoll-up, now weirdly shaped former governor, but it’s a great idea. I look forward to seeing what vapor sequels he gets attached to in the next week or so.

3.) I owe this woman

It may look as though I’m Facebook stalking someone with that photo, but that’s the potential heir to the giant Oracle fortune. Her name is Megan Ellison, and she is full of awesome. Why? Oh, I don’t know, instead of using her vast inheritance on blow and party dresses, she is turning into quite the movie producer. She’s like 25 years old and has already helped finance True Grit . Yeah, radness, huh? And she’s also the person who restarted The Wettest Country in the World , which is a new John Hilcoat movie and not the porno it sounds like. But the best is this: She just reignited two Paul Thomas Anderson projects. Yeah. For real. The Master and Inherent Vice aren’t going to be easy sells, what with the former being an attack on scientology and the latter being a Thomas Pynchon adaptation. It takes a brave, intelligent soul to put up money on those films, and thus Megan Ellison gets the patented “Ryan Syrek’s Junk” Award. That’s right, the billion-dollar brunette is the first ever recipient of an award involving my junk. Enjoy that, Megan. Seriously, though, this is the sort of thing that makes me regain faith in the human race.

4.) Fearless, flawless Box Office Predictions

As per last week, I remind you that I have incorporated the weekly fun and tomfoolery that is me making predictions about box office while using the centuries-old poetic tradition of haiku. Since this week involves an Adam Sandler movie, my haiku is already the classiest thing that Sandler has ever been involved with. The other stuff this week is Bieber-iffic and Gnome-alicious. In other words: Ewwwww. Here comes my prediction haiku.

1.) Just Go With It – $32 million

A bossy title

prompts me to give a response.

I WON’T go with it!

2.) Never Say Never – $29 million

This title I like,

Because, with all things Bieber

I use “never” tons…

3.) Gnomeo and Juliet – $17 million

Hey, William Shakespeare

your play now has gnomes in it.

I’m so glad you’re dead.

4.) The Eagle – $8 million

If this had “Eddie”

I would totally see it.

Gladiator Lite.

5.) The Roommate – $7 million

It won’t win this week

but as far as I’m concerned

Kelly is on top.

WILDCARD – The King’s Speech – $6 million

This won’t go away

Especially come Oscars…

How irritating.

5.) Trailers, parked

I have to say that I was shocked by the X-Men First Class

trailer. SHOCKED. I expected it to be hokey, awkward, and amateurish given the things I had heard and seen. But it looks…damn good. I mean, there are too many characters, but if they keep this with this tone, with this intimacy, with this scope…I am going to be pleasantly surprised…and that’s not just leftover Brett Ratner flashbacks talking here. See for yourself.

When Russell Brand is finally divorced by Katy Perry and is no longer famous, he has an open invitation to hang out at my place. Why? Because I find my wife laughing at Russell Brand to be as funny as Russell Brand himself. She’ll be delighted to know that this Arthur remake even has a return to him making jokes about shoes. Oh, and Luis Guzman, who we all know as the most famous graduate of Greendale College.

K. That’s that. I hope you loved my junk this week, and have a wonderful, safe weekend. It’s going to be in the 50s here, and in February 50 degrees in Omaha is like paradise…only with more potholes. Follow me on Twitter, and I’ll see you on Monday!

Subscribe to The Reader Newsletter

Our awesome email newsletter briefing tells you everything you need to know about what’s going on in Omaha. Delivered to your inbox every day at 11:00am.

Become a Supporting Member

Subscribe to thereader.com and become a supporting member to keep locally owned news alive. We need to pay writers, so you can read even more. We won’t waste your time, our news will focus, as it always has, on the stories other media miss and a cultural community — from arts to foods to local independent business — that defines us. Please support your locally-owned news media by becoming a member today.

Leave a comment