“With great junk, comes great responsibility” – Better Off Ted

And a good day to you, sinners and miscreants, ne’erdowells and troublemakers! It’s a fine Thursday, which means you awoke this morning with thoughts of my junk on your mind. It’s okay, I know it’s true. Why this is the season that sugarplum fairies dream of my junk. When stockings are stuffed with thoughts of my junk (as opposed to the rest of the year when stockings stuff my junk). It’s the hap-happiest season of all! Extra bonus points to the first person to write and record a Christmas novelty song primarily featuring my junk.

By now you know the drill: My junk does not mean what you think it means. If it did, I would either be arrested or elected to congress (or both). Instead, it refers to tiny tidbits of movie news too small to blow up into a big post. Instead, I gather them all underneath the image of a creepy-ass junk drawer (taken from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN). I start off every week with a whimsical story about one of the items above. Today’s item is the braid of hair. (WARNING: The contents of this story have been stolen from a story told to me by my father-in-law, wife, and brother-in-law). Suzie wanted a pony more than anything in the whole world. Even though she was a rotten, angry child who beat other smaller children and routinely caused her parents to wonder if Rosemary’s Baby was a documentary, her desire for a small horse was so big that she behaved for an entire year. She didn’t light ANYTHING on fire, nor did she endanger the lives of small woodland creatures. And for Suzie, that’s progress. So come Christmas time, she was SURE that she would find herself the proud owner of a pony sure to be used as a getaway vehicle. When she unwrapped her last present she was confused…and enraged. Her parents quickly pointed outside, for where else would a pony be kept? She bolted out the door and found tied around a post a small braided rope that was frayed at one end. “I guess he must have gotten away,” her parents said. Then they laughed. That warm feeling of a prank well played would soon fade beneath the ill-temper of a psychotic pre-teen.

Okay, enough of that nonsense. Let’s get to the movie news too small to warrant more attention this week!

1.) Miramax is getting in the business of bad decisions – I’m fine with Bad Santa 2.

The first one had Lauren Graham looking hot and allowed me to find Billy Bob Thornton as vile as I always do and still enjoy the movie. So news that Miramax and new partners (or reunited old partners, depending on how you look at it) The Weinsteins are making a sequel is fine to me. Less fine is the following list of other movies they’re considering sequels to:

  • Shakespeare in Love
  • Rounders

That’s a big-bulging Santa bag full of doody-doody pie, isn’t it? A Copland sequel? Really? Like we’re all still wondering what happened to that one-eared dude Stallone played? A SWINGERS sequel? How do you capture lightning in a bottle like that again? Shall We Dance 2? Allow me to answer: No. No we shall not. I’m hoping that most of these are direct-to-video so I can pretend they don’t exist. Oh, and I believe the official rules state that if you make a sequel to Shakespeare in Love the Oscar officially gets revoked. Bad ideas are afoot, y’all.

2.) Because Tom Cruise doesn’t understand that people are still making fun of him – If you’re Tom Cruise, don’t you do ANYTHING to avoid unintentional laughs in your direction? I mean, if you want to make a comedy, that’s fine. Then people are supposed to laugh at you. But if you think that starring in the big screen version of Rock of Ages won’t get you mocked, you’re craz….oooooooh, riiiiiight. The fact that Gwyneth Paltrow (shown below in bad-idea dress version) is in makes sense.

She can sing. Tom Cruise can’t. I honestly think he believes this is a career-redeeming move and not another trip to the chuckle hut. Nobody has ever, ever benefited from singing 80s butt-rock tunes. Ever.

3.) What Oz was missing was dark violence – Remember Wizard of Oz.

No really, remember it because people are GOING to start sullying the crap out of it. In addition to that weird origin story of the Wizard that’s coming from Sam Raimi and Robert Downey Jr, a slew of other strange projects are coming up. Why? Well, the characters are both familiar and in the public domain. So if you don’t HAVE to pay money for brand recognition, the only thing stopping you is respect for the original work. Yeah, somehow that delayed things for a few decades, but no longer. Now we’re getting stuff like a stop-motion version called Oz Wars. Don’t worry though, it’s written by the guy who wrote Space Chimps 1 and 2. That makes me think two things. First: There was a Space Chimps 2? Second: When he promises “a contemporary, freaky action-packed PG-13 audience pleaser, with Dorothy caught up in a whirlwind of warrior witches, black magic, martial arts and monsters.” What he means is “I will make what George Lucas supposedly did to your childhood look like a friendly hug from a kind grandfather.” I know they won’t leave Oz alone, but come on…there has to be SOME kind of standard, right?

4.) Wait? Scorsese’s doing a movie with WHO? Oh…right… – Scorsese likes the same dudes.

His idea of change is having Leo DiCaprio wear different clothes and speak with a DIFFERENT Boston accent. So it’s no surprise that The Irishman, his next flick, is going to star…Robert DeNiro, Joe Pesci, and Al Pacino. This is great news for Pesci, who was last seen in the dumpster behind an apartment complex. Look, I don’t mind reuniting most of the cast behind one of the greatest gangster movies of all time…and throwing Pacino in there. I think that’s swell. I just want Marty to try new things. He is doing a kids movie kind of, so I can’t bag on him too hard. Maybe it’s that step he took outside of his box that made him freak out and run back to familiar ground. Hang in there, Marty. It’ll all be okay.

5.) Trailers, Parked – Some really, really good ones this week. No joking around…okay, it’s more like a good sandwich…with great bread and homoerotic lunchmeat in the middle. You’ll understand in a minute.

Tree of Life is Terrence Malick’s return to cinema. It looks pretty. I’m sure it will also be confusing and boring. Lots of people will like it and I will probably be on the fence. I’m just saying, it can’t be worse than The New World. Yeesh that was boring. Have a look.

Fast Five is the next in the increasingly ridiculous series that sees Vin Diesel and Paul Walker trying not to kiss other dudes. Seriously, if you don’t see the homoerotic tension in these movies, you are so far in denial it’s ridiculous. Personally, I love it. Hell, the still that people are circulating around for the movie makes it look like Vin Diesel and The Rock are about to just have at it. So here you are: More homoeroticism that will be celebrated by homophobes. This series rules.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides may be great. Why? Well it does away with the dead weight of Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley, so we can finally focus on the only character we cared about anyway. I always thought there was more fun to be had with the series but those other characters sucked the life out of the movie. See what you think.

Okay, that’s it folks. Hope my junk was satisfying as per usual! See you tomorrow for the weekend planning!

Follow me on Twitter…I love you.

Subscribe to The Reader Newsletter

Our awesome email newsletter briefing tells you everything you need to know about what’s going on in Omaha. Delivered to your inbox every day at 11:00am.

Become a Supporting Member

Subscribe to thereader.com and become a supporting member to keep locally owned news alive. We need to pay writers, so you can read even more. We won’t waste your time, our news will focus, as it always has, on the stories other media miss and a cultural community — from arts to foods to local independent business — that defines us. Please support your locally-owned news media by becoming a member today.

Leave a comment