With great junk, comes great responsibility – “Better Off Ted”

I know what you’re thinking so I’ll just say it for you: You have been in desperate need of my junk ever since I took my junk away from you. You’ve laid awake at night thinking of my junk, dreaming about it. Wondering “When…WHEN GOD? WHEN IS RYAN’S JUNK GOING TO RETURN TO ME?!” The answer, my dear, is not blowing in the wind but popping up online. My junk is back for you to enjoy.

Obviously, by “junk” I am referring to the movie tidbits that are too tiny to warrant their own full blog post and not the unsavory, untoward inferences you were making while giggling in your cubicle or dimly lit den. This isn’t that kind of blog…now that we’ve made the move to this classier design anyway. We begin each weekly installment of my junk drawer by examining the picture above, a creepy-ass drawing from Highlights Magazine…FOR CHILDREN that terrifies me to my core. For some reason I can’t think of right now, I decided to start each column out by choosing an item from that drawing and writing a goofy backstory for it. The practice stuck, and now I’m doing it again because I respect tradition and superstition.

Today’s item is the green and red…thing in the lower right. Having hunted the elusive Loch Ness monster for something like 40 years, Bessie felt she finally had the breakthrough she needed. A weird-smelling, floppy haired boy and his oversized Great Dane had contacted her to let her know that “like, we totally saw the Loch Ness monster, like.” The dog nodded, as though he understood, which wasn’t reassuring for Bessie but she would take what she could get. After a few days of investigating with a group of homeless teenagers who live in a van, all of whom enjoyed dated neckware, Bessie saw what she had dreamed of for decades. The scientist in her vanished and she jumped on what appeared to be the creature. Her exhilaration quickly turned tragic when her grip slipped and she was left holding an inside out, green and red mask. Despite Farmer Grady’s apologies, Bessie went back with only a smelly mask and a hole in her heart filled with dreams of finally proving to her family that she hadn’t pissed away decades in search of a fictional creature.

Okay, enough, let’s get to the movie tidbits too small for their own posts today!

1.) On buckles swashed and swapped – This is a good example of the type of information that just doesn’t need to be its own post but is interesting nonetheless. Do you know who was ALMOST Captain Jack Sparrow? Johnny Depp’s life would be dramatically different right now if it weren’t for one cast switch. I mean, Depp would be, I don’t know, living in some foreign country perpetually making movies with Tim Burton or something. Ooooh….riiiight. So the major difference is because the following person wasn’t offered the role for one reason or another, Depp is now a lot richer and feels like he can’t do any of the artistically awesome stuff he used to do because he’s too busy making tripe with Angelina Jolie and starring as Tonto because he can. The person who made that all possible?

Yeah, that’s right, Hugh Jackman. I’ve always wanted to make some “Huge ack, man” joke but I could never quite make it work. Anyway, now you know that he was almost Captain Jack. And that will get you laid.

2.) I can only hope we get more fuzzy necrophilia references – Ricky Gervais has been added to the ever-increasing list of actors who will cameo in the new Muppet movie. I love that everyone in Hollywood seems game to appear with these furry hand-in-keister creations. Why? Because Muppets effing rule, that’s why. My excitement is only further bolstered because I am hoping for a repeat of this:

Yeah, tell me you didn’t giggle your way through a discussion of necrophilia. What I love is that the guy doing the voice of Elmo is clearly cracking up but he’s losing it IN ELMO’S VOICE. I wonder if he just acts like that all the time now. Like he got stuck in the “on” switch for Elmo’s voice and now, even if he’s crying out for help from a gang of muggers, he’d have to do it all high and squeaky. It’d be the cutest crime ever. Anyway, kudos to Gervais for joining in on the Muppety fun.

3.) An excuse to post my favorite thing – Let’s just get the “news” part of this out of the way: Nic Cage is ranting and raving about how great the new Ghost Rider sequel is going to be. He claims that it has a different origin sequence, that it’s more abstract, and that, in short, it’s a lot crazier. Really? Nic Cage is hyping a movie in which he gets to act crazy? That’s interesting. He didn’t mention whether the effects would still look like they were hand-drawn by a toddler like they did in the last movie, but I assume that’s a given. Anyway, the real reason I even bothered to post this was so I could once more do this:

See, it was worth it, right?

4.) The music man returneth – Unless it’s Michael Giacchino or Clint Mansell, I don’t get OVERLY hyped by a composer announcement for a movie. Don’t get me wrong, music is important to the film and all that, I just don’t usually cover composer announcements. Oh, unless it’s the guy who just did this:

Hans Zimmer is going to score the new Superman movie. This is huge. I assume they’ll use the John Williams iconic score in some way, but if there’s a guy who can crack the code of how to incorporate an old piece of music into a movie…I’m going with this guy. This is good news…really good news…potentially, dare I say…SUPER good news? No? No, I daren’t say that? Okay.

5.) Trailers, parked – There’s a widget on this web site I can’t work yet that allows me to drop in new trailers. As soon as I figure out how to do that, I’m gonna do that. In the mean time, enjoy these: Frankie and Alice – We have a Halle Berry sighting! I forget, does that mean we get 3 more weeks of autumn? Emerging only for another grab at Oscar greatness, her last one having legally been canceled out by making Catwoman , Berry is back with this obvious drama. Enjoy!

Hop – This is a movie written by Bryan Lynch, who I find funny. It features the voice of Russel Brand, who my wife finds funny. It looks like Alvin and the Chipmunks . Oh well, at least both she and I are equally screwed in that we will someday see this…and possibly like it. It’s like The Santa Clause in that it’s about a slacker who injures the Easter Bunny. There you go, now I’ve just compared it to a Tim Allen movie. Things are not looking good on this one.

Okay, that’s it for my junk this week. Hope you had a good time with it, I know I always do. Let’s meet up tomorrow and talk weekend plans, okay?

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