With great junk comes great responsibility – “Better Off Ted”

Welcome weary weekly warriors. Greetings grousing and grumbling grunts! Hello humble heroines and heroes! It is finally, finally, finally time for your Ryan-fueled salvation, for that weekly dose of girthy goodness that can only be described as the most magnificent junk you have ever before laid your eyes upon! Look upon my junk and weep, for you shall find that it is good.

Obviously, by junk I mean movie nuggets that are more like nougat, in that they only work in combination with other ingredients. Seriously, who is ever “I am only eating nougat. Not a candy bar, not chocolate, but only nougat.” Point is, these movie tidbits are too on the bitty and tiddy side to warrant full blog posts, so I combine them here in a cleverly titled column that makes people snicker at the dirty jokes I make. Wow, now I worked “snicker” in here, I must be angling for an endorsement from the Mars Candy Bar Corporation.

Each week I begin by looking at the creepy-ass image of a junk drawer above (from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN) and making up a funny story about one of the items. Why do I do this? I have no idea. It seemed like a good idea once, which means it must be a good idea 50 times in a row, right? Today’s item is the pink square in the upper left corner. Bleep Blorp did not believe in Santa Claus. I mean, come on, he was a robot…and a robot believing in Santa would be stupid, right. Bleep Blorp knew better. But the only thing he knew more than the imaginary nature of Kris Kringle was that if he didn’t get the shiny-new pink memory chip he wanted, he would be laughed at by all the other robots…and those guys have built in synonym checkers…so their insults are really thorough. So Bleep Blorp sent a letter to the North Pole, figuring it was worth a shot. When Christmas came and went without the chip, he wasn’t surprised. But as he was about to return to Robot School, he happened to need some oil. He checked in the junk drawer for it and…BEHOLD: The new chip he had wanted. How did it get in there? That’s for cyber Santa to know, and Bleep Blorp to wonder.

Okay, enough goofing around, let’s get to looking at my junk (and I mean movie tidbits).

1.) Leggo my Legolas – Don’t be fooled, there are sub-nerd categories. For example, if your favorite character in the Lord of the Rings movies ISN’T the elephant murdering, orc-throttling, feathery-light Legolas, you are the low nerd on the totem pole in my opinion.

(FYI: I almost accidentally spelled that “totem poll” and it made me giggle because I thought of a questionnaire regarding Dom’s spinning top from Inception …and yes, that digression puts me in the lowest sub-sub-nerd category.) Anyhoo, good news for the dorks on top of the nerd pile: Legolas is returning for The Hobbit ! I don’t know if that fits with the book or not (because I’m above the sub-sub-sub-nerd category that knows every nuance of the novel), but it makes me happy in my happy parts. I swear I squealed like a child opening the best present ever when Legolas slid down the trunk of that elephant tank. And if that doesn’t mean anything to you but you are still reading this blog, congratulations for you are in the very top echelon of nerd-dom!

2.) James Cameron: King of the Weird – I don’t know why, but James Cameron is interested in this:

That’s Cirque De Soliel doing something batshit insane. Seriously, as near as I can tell, they dance to your nightmares. That’s what they do. They project demonic images while contorting their bodies in front of you and you pay them lots of money to do it. And now James Cameron is producing a movie with them. Yay! Let’s hope it’s in 3D so I can really feel like I was sucked directly into hell. That would be so much fun! Gosh, I hope it’s in IMAX too! That way it would be like space and time had severed their thread and we spilled into the depths of madness! Yay! Look, Jimmy C, I don’t get why you do what you do, but using your giant fan base and immense power to coordinate a Cirque De Soliel film is officially nutso. Thanks for that.

3.) I’ve got…two versions of Paradise – It’s fitting that this Alien news isn’t digesting well.

We were first told that we aren’t getting the prequel when we thought we were. Then we were told we don’t have a good short list of who will be the female lead in the film (come on, Portman…come on). Then we were told it is going to be two movies and not one. Then Vulture said that the prequel will be called Paradise , which makes no sense…but also said that it was back on for the original date. Cross-eyed yet? Well then Chris Petrikin from 20th Century Fox briefly explained: “I don’t know where to begin to correct what is being written about a certain Ridley Scott project…” before adding “it’s not called Paradise…answers soon.” Oh, and he also said “It’s not two films…can you hear me now?” Jeez-a-loo. Okay, so it may or may not be called Paradise , but probably not, and is likely only one film, if the studio stooge is to be believed. Look, I loved Alien and Aliens , truth be told I didn’t even mind the other two terrible films in the series (I ignore everything involving Predators). I love that Ridley Scott is back, I want this to work, I have a good feeling…but COULD WE FIGURE SOME STUFF OUT BEFORE WE START SPILLING IT EVERYWHERE?! Thanks, y’all.

4.) It’s all good in the Hood – I don’t care if Speed Racer was a misfire, it was a cool-looking misfire. I don’t care if the Matrix sequels didn’t live up to the unreal hype they were born into. I love the Wachowskis.

That’s why if any other filmmakers had gotten pegged to do a modern version of Robin Hood set in an urban environment (and possibly starring Will Smith), I would have thrown up a little. But the Wachowskis are smart. They know they’ll need a box office hit at some point to stay relevant, and chances are that their upcoming controversial gay Iraq war love story will not be the smash hit of the summer. They lined up this more commercial project, and I’m fine with it. I know Robin Hood has been done to death, but hell, if they do something cool with it, I’m there. I’m also there for the gay Iraq love story, but you probably knew that.

5.) Trailers, parked – What a bevy we have for you today! Let’s get to some trailers, huh?

First up is Transformers: Dark of the Moon . I’m not going to spoil this clip for you, other than to say I believe in the first cut of it, the robot at the end drops the N-bomb. Get it? Because Michael Bay loves racist robots…and gratuitous shots of women. And being awful. Here’s the clip!

I am Number 4 sounds like the worst sports chant ever, right? It’s like a self-help book gone wrong. It also looks like the movie might have gone wrong. This may be sci-fi mediocrity day. Here’s the trailer.

I was going to try to be clever about this…or reflective. People have opined about how similar the plot seems to be to Mel Gibson’s real life, how interesting the movie looks…personally, I think it looks kind of awful and the trailer gives away the whole film. So instead of being clever, I’m going to be vulgar. I’ve been waiting to say this for awhile now…because she directed it and it’s the name of the movie, remember that people…Ladies and Gentlemen: Click here to see Jodie Foster’s Beaver .

Finally, the last weird sci-fi flick of the day, here’s Hugh Jackman in a big-budget version of Rock’em Sock’em robots. Yes, Reel Steel is real.

Okay, that’s all the junk I have for you today. Hope you liked it. Follow me on Twitter or you’ll ruin my Christmas.

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