“With great junk, comes great responsibility” – Better Off Ted

It’s probably been hard for you to stay focused at work today when you’ve been wondering when you’re going to see my junk. It sneaks up on you sometimes, my junk. You’ll just be working away and then, WHAMMO right on your computer screen is all of my junk. What if your boss catches you looking at my junk? Oh, hell, it’s worth it, right? To be fair, your boss would love my junk too, if your boss would just give it a try. Everyone should, and one day God willing WILL, try my junk.

Obviously, by “junk” I mean movie tidbits that I scoop up into the dustpan of my mind during the week and then empty out into one handy-dandy blog post. I call it a “junk drawer” because it is a way for me to make jokes that are childish and about genitalia without having to call something explicitly raunchy. And believe me, it was almost an X-rated column title. We start each week by looking at the creepy-ass image above taken from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. I always put the “for children” in caps. Someone asked me why the other day and I told them that it was because I always construed that part as a threat by the magazine. It wasn’t like they were bragging, it seemed malicious somehow. Anyway, I pick an item from the picture and make a funny story about it for no good reason.

Today’s item is the tiny braid in the corner. Ashley was a big Adam Sandler fan. Ashley also looooved licking lead-based paint and eating expired food stuffs. One day, this combination proved to be too much for her fragile, warped mind to accept. While watching the cinematic hate crime that is You Don’t Mess With the Zohan , Ashley became enthralled…so enthralled that she stopped her favorite game “Hit-self-in-face” long enough to find a pair of scissors. She waited until the family was asleep and then began her masterwork. By the time she was finished, the only hair left was a tiny braid atop her head, which her parents cut off just to stick it to her. They kept the lock of hair as a souvenir, knowing that Ashley had a long future running for political office ahead of her.

Okay, enough shenanigans, let’s do this thing! Here’s my junk this week:

1.) Black Swan now 90% ickierSlashfilm Gave me a good reason to find the already significantly not okay relationship between mother and daughter in Natalie Portman’s latest even more NOT OKAY.

Look away or read on to the next handy-dandy numbered entry if you’re a spoilerphobe here. Okay, so it’s like this: The dude who wrote into Slashfilm suggests that Nina’s mom is doing the bad things to her privates. Yeah, you heard that right, he thinks that she’s not only an overbearing, vicious creature, but that she touches her daughter in the swimsuit areas. It makes sense in part, but I think the theory doesn’t really add much to the overall film. I’m repeating here because I like thinking about things that may be suggested but not stated in movies. I mean, I don’t LIKE it in this case because incest is pretty much the worst thing in the history of things, but it is interesting to consider. The gang at Slashfilm dismiss it because the rest of the film isn’t too subtle in its themes. I dismiss it because I don’t see how it would benefit the story or the overall thematic elements. Also, if this hasn’t been stressed enough, ew.

2.) The costume REVISITED! – You didn’t really think I was going to just spend a few sentences on THIS did you?

The most astonishing thing about this costume is that I like it. I was all set to hate on this movie, but wow did this first image just hit it out of the park. The subtle differences in the costume, the arm swirls, the dripping spider, the darker tones, the pock-marked netting, are all totally spot on. I love it. I love how lean he looks, which is how Spidey has always been in the comics. I do worry about the mask, which is always the trickiest part. Those eyes have to be just right or the whole thing is thrown off, but initially I’m loving this, and I’m loving how Garfield looks in the role. Now, the most exciting part, there DOES appear to be mechanical web shooters. This is a big thing for us nerds. Why? Well part of Peter Parker’s allure has always been his nerdiness. He was accidentally bitten by a spider, but he INVENTED the webbing. I know it doesn’t feel “realistic” that a kid could do that. But dammit, he was bit by a mutated spider that gave him powers. We’ll allow him to invent webbing. The thing is, it’s a character point more than anything. Peter should be a science nerd with a big brain, and the mechanical web shooters embody that. If they’re back, which it appears they might be, this is a heck of a nod to fans like me. I’m not ready to smile about this project yet, but between Emma Stone and this image, I’m starting to grin a little.

3.) Kissing and banging, now with bigger eyes and spikey hair – Shane Black rules. His Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang remains one of my favorites ever. Oh yeah, and he did invent Lethal Weapon . You remember, the cop movie that was really good before Mel Gibson decided he hated anything not white and Christian? Anyway, Black is known for his cop work, so it’s no surprise his next movie deals heavily with cops and bad guys.

Oh, and demons. Yeah, Black is going to direct an American version of the Japanese Manga “Death Note,” which is about a kid who can have a demon kill people when he writes their name in a book…or something close to that. It’s confusing, even though I read the first few volumes. Black has never trucked with special effects or supernatural crap before, but he’s not writing the script. What this shows me is that the movie will be well grounded in a familiar world…and will also feature really gothic looking monsters. It’s like Rush Hour meets Angel Heart . I mean, it isn’t at all, but wouldn’t that be rad?

4.) Wright writes and rewrites! Right on! – And to think I almost gave up hope.

Although I’m not a slobbering devotee of Scott Pilgrim like many of my peers, I did like it. And I have loved Edgar Wright’s other work. Thus, news that he has returned to the script for Ant-Man , Marvel’s first, ahem, SMALLER superhero, is encouraging. Who knows if and when we’ll actually see this thing, but I rejoice in the knowledge that it is at the very least possible if not probable. Allow me to join the chants of millions (or at the very least dozens): “GIVE US SIMON PEGG AS ANT-MAN!” At the very least, give us something new. That’s my hope. My hope is that Wright pegs off his last project and makes this one something unique and awesome. I’m really hopeful about this…which means it will never, ever happen. But I’m a Bears and Cubs fan, so I will continue to hope that it will.

5.) Trailers, parked – Some goodies this week, including something slightly off-beat.

Happythankyoumoreplease is our first trailer this week, and it looks…interesting. Quirky? We’re going to have to start finding a new adjective for indie movies, as it seems like this is the only one anybody uses. I’m going to go with “delicious” for the time being. Oooh, or “shaggy”. Nothing these days is ever shaggy.

Battle: Los Angeles keeps looking better and better and better. Everything I see gets me more friggin’ psyched for this one. It looks like the invasion movie I’ve wanted to see since Independence Day half-assed its way into my heart.

Priest makes no sense. It looks bizarre and kind of stupid. Also, it looks kind of awesome. Is this dumb-cool or dumb-dumb? Only time will tell.

I hope you enjoyed my junk this week! You can always leave a comment for me like a note on a nightstand, it’s always a sign of respect.

Follow me on Twitter and I’ll buy you a pony!!!*

*Note: Pony is invisible.

Subscribe to The Reader Newsletter

Our awesome email newsletter briefing tells you everything you need to know about what’s going on in Omaha. Delivered to your inbox every day at 11:00am.

Become a Supporting Member

Subscribe to thereader.com and become a supporting member to keep locally owned news alive. We need to pay writers, so you can read even more. We won’t waste your time, our news will focus, as it always has, on the stories other media miss and a cultural community — from arts to foods to local independent business — that defines us. Please support your locally-owned news media by becoming a member today.

Leave a comment