“With great junk, comes great responsibility” – Better Off Ted

I swear on my life I would post blogs more often if this new system didn’t sporadically swallow them whole. I crafted for you a brilliant cornucopia of words. A hilarious, breathtaking, bouncy blend of verb and noun that was just totally gone when I tried to post it. Ever flush a chunk of your life straight down a toilet? Sigh. Now I am left recreating what I previously said because I don’t have a copy and it makes me want to stab something. And for some reason, there’s never a mediocre pop star around when something needs stabbing.

So the jokes went something like this: Hey, isn’t it awesome that you can now kick off the weekend with my junk? It used to be that you’d be too tired from work during most of the work week to even consider enjoying my junk, but now you don’t have to worry about juggling anything else, you can just sit back and let my junk wash over you. It was so much funnier the first time, but seriously, retyping ideas you half-remember when the internet borks you is just irritating. Now comes the part where I explain that I really don’t mean what you think I mean by saying “junk.” I mean movie tidbits that I don’t think are important enough to warrant their own blog post, but I say junk because I have the humor quotient of a 12-year-old sometimes. Seriously, say “duty” to me sometime, you’ll see what I mean.

We kick off each installment of my junk (now permanently staying on Fridays) by looking at the creepy-ass image above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. I pick an item, write a goofy story, and laugh at it while nobody else does. Why? Why does anybody do anything on the internet: self-pleasure. This week’s item is the pink square in the upper left corner. Peggy was not like the other moms at the PTA. Oh sure, just like the rest of them she thought “Modern Family” was the funniest show on TV, loathed her husband’s decades-old decision to stop guarding his bodily functions, and thought LOLCats was LOL-tastic, but it stopped there. Peggy had another passion. One she could only share through art. Starting with a tiny pink scrap of paper, Peggy’s inspired portrait grew until she knew it had to actually become a part of her in a physical, incredibly shameful way. Hundreds of dollars and a not insignificant amount of pain later, Peggy had something to finally show the other PTA moms who she REALLY was.

That’s real. The story obviously isn’t, but that is a very real thing. Yicky yicky yicky. Okay, that’s over. Now we can really focus on my junk.

1.) Knocked Up 2: Knock-der Up-der? – Director Judd Apatow’s next movie is not a sequel. Why? Because he says it isn’t. Oh, sure, some people would call a movie in which characters who appeared in a previous movie from the same writer/director a sequel, but some people call a tomato a fruit. Just because Paul Rudd and Leslie Bibb will be revisiting their characters from Knocked Up doesn’t mean it’s a sequel.

Heaven’s no. Why would it? I love semantic arguments based on trying to cling to artistic dignity. Look, Apatow, just make a better movie than Funny People and we’re good, okay? Seriously, the second half of that movie was more of a chore than scrubbing my house with a baby toothbrush. The funniest part was Aziz Ansari’s fake comedian who barely appeared. So make your non-sequel that’s totally a sequel. Just make it funny.

2.) What, do you want Lucas’ kids to starve? – It’s time to buy Star Wars again. What? Just because you bought the originals on VHS, the special editions on VHS, the special editions on DVD, and the prequels on DVD doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ALSO buy the complete set of all 6 movies (well, four and a half movies if you’re judging by quality) on Blu-Ray for $140.

George Lucas is the fan-boy Ike Turner. He keeps slapping the shit out of us and we keep giving him our money. That image above that’s totally adorable and perfect for this piece is from Mike Jacobsen, and it rules. Why? Because stuff inspired by this series is now better than the actual series. Sad truth.

3.) When you think about it, life IS really all about boats and hoes – I didn’t like Step Brothers. I thought it was obvious, obnoxious, and simple. I tired of Ferrell’s schtick, even if I still hunger for John C Reilly. I may change my mind though.

The duo is actually making a rap album in character. Meaning we get more of the funniest part of the movie to me, which is the brilliant “Boats n Hoes.” The best part, and I swear I am not making this up, Ferrell claims Mos Def is producing the album. God that’s great. Tell you what, if the album is as funny as I think it is, I will stop saying bad things about the movie that spawned it. I won’t say nice things, but I won’t say mean things. I’ll basically treat it like an estranged relative.

4.) This Summer: Follow the breadcrumbs, Gretel gets sexy!

The new trend is to sex up old fairy tales. I don’t know why. But we’ve got the Little Red Riding Hood humpfest with Amanda Seyfried, two competing Snow White projects, and now news that Gemma Arterton and Jeremy Renner may star in a Hansel and Gretel retread wherein the kids are now grown-up witch hunters. Cool? Well, I like looking at Arterton, and Renner is a bad ass, but it sounds a little Van Helsing to me. Sure, if it were gothic and awesome I’d be in, but I think we’re going to get more Prince of Persia than Brothers Grimm on acid. Whatever, at least the trend isn’t making CGI versions of formerly great cartoons interacting in live environments. That’d be sad.

5.) Trailers, Parked – Some interesting ones for you this week. Well, two interesting ones and a Keanu Reeves movie.

Let’s start there. Henry’s Crime is a heist movie (big plus) starring Reeves (big minus) with romantic elements (and we’re in the negative). The trailer looks passable, but I swear you could make a decent trailer out of anything that doesn’t star Miley Cyrus.

I didn’t want to see No Strings Attached . Really. I know it’s a Natalie Portman movie, but Ashton Kutcher touches her a lot in it. That’s like seeing the people who handle your food in a restaurant. I just want to believe it fell from heaven like Natalie. Then I heard that there’s a red-band trailer and that the movie (and the trailer, you’ve been warned) is peppered with F-bombs and nudity. I don’t think Ms. Portman will strip. She didn’t even do that for Black Swan and trust me if she was gonna do it, she was gonna do it for that movie. Still, interesting to know that this generic romantic comedy has a wild side. A very calculated wild side, but still…

Finally, I’m a bit late with this Red State trailer. Still, it’s worth noting that this project from Kevin Smith could resurrect his career and my opinion of him. It looks…really, really good. And knowing that it is a direct slam on the sons of bitches from Westboro Baptist Church, those soulless harpies who are planning on protesting the funeral for the vice principal who was killed at my old high-school, makes me love it all the more. I hope they’re forced to watch this…I personally can’t wait!

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