Over the course of the weekend, I discovered something. No, not a package that was sent to me containing free goodies. Why didn’t I discover that? Because you didn’t buy me anything. Just like the week before. Nothing. You and nobody you knew contacted me at film@thereader.com and got my address to send me sweet swag that I would brag about. Season of giving my ass. No, what I discovered was…this is somehow one of the more popular columns I do. I mean, I get the appeal of Thursday’s column, as who doesn’t look forward to seeing my junk? But the fact that others love this little segment was perplexing to me. Why? Well, that’s because it means that people are reading it AND NOT SENDING ME ANYTHING! It was an admission of guilt! Obviously, they saw through my clever internet persona and realized I was mostly kidding (I said mostly). So with that in mind, here is the stuff those people have been waiting to hear about for this week:

1.) I stab my drinks colder – Of all the things that people have noted seeing in this column, the most popular item hands down were the ice cube trays designed to make thin ice slices for water bottles. Well then, have I got a new product for you:

Yeah, those are Ice swords. “How do you keep your drink cold?” “Oh, you know, I STAB IT COLDER!” How badass is that? Sure, you can use them to make Popsicles and such, but it’s much more cooler to just be drinking a beverage with a giant sword in it, right? See, I came through for all of you ice fans this week, didn’t I?

2.) See, those old negatives WERE good for something! – Remember when you used to actually get physical pictures? You know, in the time before the internet made digital photos so prevalent that a guy can barely finish splitting his pants in public before detailed images of his nether regions are online. Well, back when photos came in envelopes and not email attachments, you used to get negatives with your order. It was so you could use them to make more photos later, but when I was a kid, I just assumed we had some weird slide projector I didn’t know about. That or I was the secret owner of the Zapruder film. My imagination was always rather historical. Well, good news for those people who wisely hang on to those negatives:

For a mere $100, the ImageLab will turn your negatives into digital photos of good quality. Howsabout that? Those pictures of you with the 80s bangs and leg warmers? Totally going to be this week’s profile picture. This is a brilliant gift idea for old people.

3.) This week I combined my obligatory Star Wars and Threadless segment – Let’s face it, every week I pimp Threadless and something Star Wars. I don’t mind the former, and the latter is just because that crap has more merchandising than any one thing in history. Seriously, there are more Luke Skywalker-related products than JESUS-related products, and he’s the son of God (Jesus, not Luke…man this stuff is out of control). This week, I’m combining the two obligatory items with this from Threadless .

That shirt is called “Hans off my cookie.”

Chewbacca is a chocolate chip cookie.

This is a real thing.

And I love it.

And so do you.

That’s it for this week. Your job is to start buying me crap and sending me crap and following my crap on Twitter.


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