Well, the holidays are officially over, as I’m back to receiving ZERO of the things that I am very clearly and articulately telling people to buy me. My wife actually had to call the help desk at ThinkGeek the other day. When I heard her give our last name, I thought: “Well, now she’s about to get some respect, and I’m about to discover that they’re waiting to send me a giant shipment of products and various goodies any day now.” Instead, I heard my wife say “No, Syrek. S-Y-R-E-K.” The indignity! I thought by now all of the internets and webbings would have heard of my legend! What more must I do to convince the good people who sling nerd shit that I deserve free stuff? I am just a boy standing in front of the internet, asking it to produce freebies. Having received approximately less than 1% of the products I’ve promoted (for free) in the last 60 installments, the admonitions to send an email to {encode=”film@thereader.com” title=”film@thereader.com”}and request my email address clearly haven’t worked. Now, nothing can sate my rage.

Wait? What’s that? The first image of Spider-man from the new version that’s being directed by the guy who made that mediocre-to-crappy indie rom-com everyone tweaked about for no good reason looks GOOD?! ARE THOSE MECHANICAL WEB SHOOTERS?! BE STILL MY BEATING HEART!!!! Okay, now I’m in a good mood and…wait, what’s this?

OHMYGOD!!!! THE NEW CAPTAIN AMERICA COSTUME IS THE TITS! IT’S IN-CRAY-EEBLAY! SUCK A FATTY THINGS GREEN AND HORNETY OR LANTERN-LIKE! WOWZA!

Okay, that was some good palate cleansing. Now I feel as though I can relax and remind you that I don’t actually expect you people to send me stuff but that I do this as a way to show you cool crap out there. And now, cool shit:

1.) These are good because I’m sure they’re practical and feel nice….yeah…that’s it… – Too often I neglect the ladies. I mean on this blog column, not in real life. In real life, I NEVER neglect the ladies. They neglect me. That is, neglect to notice me…or to reign me in. At any rate, here’s a peace offering.

For a mere $35, you can go here and get underthings that reflect a passion for bounty hunting and bodacious bootywear. Seriously, it’s somewhere between hot and adorable. It’s ho-rable. Wait…

2.) They shall destroy you with the cute – Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want one:

What do you mean you don’t want one? Don’t give me that “I’m a grown-ass man” crap. So am I. What? I am! And I want like 70000 of these. I want to roll around in them like the most cuddly Tribble infestation ever. Go here. Buy them for me. They’re only $13. That’s a small amount for this much plush joy.

3.) None of the proceeds go to Michael Bay – If you’re going to wear a Transformers shirt. Wear this one:

Threadless makes it acceptable to wear the leader of the Autobots. It’s classy and clever, in that the title of the shirt is “Optimust.” That’s intelligent comedy. Also, Optimus Prime looks like a ghost. That’s cool. Someone is now going to write some crazy bad fan fiction about ghost Transformers and it’s going to be my fault. Sorry.

Okay, that’s what I want this week. What do you want? Love? Me too.

Follow me on Twitter, it won’t cost a thing!


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