Make you a deal: If you somehow have the ability to influence that outcome of the Bears/Packers game on Sunday, you can feel free to never buy me anything again provided you get me a Bears “W.” I would be able to even offer more than just not buying me something. I would give you something. Something reasonable. Like my home.

But since I think the only folks who will influence the outcome are the players (yawn), it’s time once again for me to insist that you give me awesome free stuff. If you’re keeping score at home, I think if you multiply the three items I list every week times the 62 times I’ve asked for them and divide the number I’ve actually received (3), you’ll see that my batting average is 1.6%. Awesome! That means 98.4% of the things I show you never get sent to me by contacting me at {encode=”film@thereader.com” title=”film@thereader.com”} (and asking me for my real address, which I will give you…provided you don’t have an email address like imgonnastabyou@ihatesyrek.com. Today’s items are particularly radical, so you’re going to want to get me these fast. I want to play with all of them.

So to recap: If you can get the Bears to win, you owe me nothing. If you can’t, buy me the following:

1.) Regular chess? Howzabout LASER CHESS, BITCHES!?!?!?!Thinkgeek one-ups the geekiness of chess with a game involving f**king lasers.

How nerdy is a game that makes chess seem absolutely lame as hell. “I want to intellectually stimulate myself with a rousing round of the game of kings! Anyone for some chess?” “I don’t think so. Why don’t we play a game with the nuances of piece movement like chess, but that directly involves the use of a f**king laser. Yeah, that’s right. A laser. I AM KING OF THE NERDS!” Seriously, if this is even passably fun to play, I want it. I can sit there with a laser pointer for hours and entertain myself, so the threshold is low here.

2.) Dudes can have diaries, right?Uncommongoods has the answer to my diary needs. Not that I need a diary. I tried to think of an Anne Frank joke here that walked the appropriate line of taste and edgy comedy, but then I remembered to look at the tattoo I had put on my hand, Memento -style. It reads “Don’t make jokes about terrible human tragedies.” You’d be surprised how useful that is. Speaking of useful:

It seems so simple, but where else am I supposed to keep my five mint stubs from The Phantom Men …I mean a good movie that everyone likes and no one will laugh at. I like stub collecting, so this works for me. If it doesn’t work for you, get your own column where people don’t buy you the things you ask for.

3.) What the what?Uncommongoods has an item that staggered me.

That’s a “Film Festival in a Box.” And it is a cool as shit idea. Apparently it includes four independent films, short films, that you can watch together, critique and enjoy, and then go online and discuss it in forums, potentially with the filmmakers. Um, hello, that’s the best idea ever. I can’t believe this is the first time I’ve heard of this. What a cool concept. Tired of playing Yahtzee with your friends? I mean…tired of playing a cool game that everyone respects with your friends? Try this! I don’t know that this will single-handedly save the independent film industry, but I am damn tempted to try it. So buy it for me.

Okay, that’s it for this week. Get ready, my junk is coming tomorrow.

Follow me on Twitter, where I will have more movie thoughts interspliced with my Bears obsession.


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