I suppose I should be thankful. Right now, everybody around me is either infected with some plague that is clearly a precursor to the zombie apocalypse or otherwise afflicted with mental ailments. Me? I feel sleepy pie and have a tiny throat tickle. So I SHOULD be satisfied with having superior hit points to everyone else, but I’m not. I want stuff. More stuff. Expensive stuff. Stuff you buy. Since Christmas I have pretty much bought nothing for myself and have relied on others for my petty needs. Bad move, as nobody stepped to the plate despite such subtle hints as A WEEKLY COLUMN WITH CRAP I WANT. Honestly, what more do I need to do? Skywriting? Done. See that cloud that looks like a middle finger? I did that.

Obviously, I’m kidding. This is really just a column where I show you cool stuff. But I’m not kidding about you sending me an email at {encode=”film@thereader.com” title=”film@thereader.com”} so I can give you an address to send me the following three items if you really want to do so. And I hope you really want to do so…

1.) By Odin’s mullet! I need this!!!

There are going to be cool products coming out for Marvel zombies like me. We’re destined to get Thor’s weird helmet and Captain America’s shield in delicious, cheap-plastic form. This year will have a plethora of choices for Halloween costumes, as Thor and Cap are definite, while DC is sure to offer a Green Lantern costume…although you can make a better costume than the movie version DC is offering by tying a black garbage bag around you and folding the twist ties into a green mask. Tadah! You’ve done a better job than a bajillion dollar special effects studio. But the crown jewel of this year’s “pretend to be a super person” gear is below.

You can go here and pre-order Mjolnir, the hammer that has a name. Dude, this thing SHOOTS A MISSILE (which is supposed to represent lightning? I don’t know. I just know it lights up and I can smack people with it. More accurately, I can smote people with it. I like smoting and have never had the proper smoting instrument. I’ve had to make do with smote substitutes until now. For less than 20 bucks, I can get my smote on proper! Plus, when I hold it, I’m totally gonna talk all weirdly Shakespearean like Thor does. Bad ass.

2.) Bring me your finest mead! And in the absence of that, a delicious Smirnoff ice will do!!!

Sometimes a regular glass just can’t do the trick.

And in those times, you must go to Thinkgeek and drop $200 on a friggin’ amazing Hobbit stein. FYI “Hobbit stein” sounds like a Mary Shelly novel that takes place in the Shire. I’m just saying that when you’re kicking back brewskis with the boys, and they all have their cute little cups, WHAMMO. You bust out this insanely awesome beer holder and everybody will be all “Holy crap!” I mean, in the right setting. Bust this out in the wrong crowd and “holy crap” becomes “Bwahahahaha.” At least you’ll have a shitload of beer to hurl at them.

3.) It’s delicious terror

I’m a fan of the zombie apocalypse no matter how it’s depicted, so of course I’m going to love this.

From Threadless comes “The Walking Bread.” Get it? Because they’re edible zombies. Wait…all zombies are edible because of the whole cannibalism thing, right? I have to say that this numbers among the more adorable incarnations of the inevitable zombie hell we’re all destined to endure. But who arms gingerbread cops? That seems wrong. I would buy it for the title alone, so thank God I like the shirt itself.

Okay, that’s it. As per usual, WATCH COMMUNITY TONIGHT YOU FOOLS or I’ll smack you with my Hobbit stein. Oh, and follow me on Twitter.


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