I need advice on what to call these daily editions. I am reserving the term “junk drawer” for my Friday column, because it’s pulled from the whole week (and if there was other junk around, my junk wouldn’t feel as special…and my junk is very special, right?). Thursday is now the day of Things You Should Buy Me, so what do we call the daily collection of news on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday? Does each one get their own special name? Do my titles matter at all? Do I just leave it as “Cutting Room for Tuesday” or do I go funny and call it something like “Tuesday’s Square Round-Up”? I need someone, anyone, to weigh in on this incredibly important matter. It may seem trivial to you, but I assure you that the fate of a nation, NAY, the fate of humanity may well rest in what I decide to call my daily dumping. Hey, look at that, what about “Daily Dumping?” Then I get to make poo jokes Monday through Wednesday, a narcissism joke on Thursday, and a genitalia joke on Friday. It’s a win, win, win, win, win. Right? Here’s my today’s dump:
Because when I want advice about story, I go to James Cameron
The plot of Titanic would have made for a shitty Harlequin romance novel. You know what, that’s probably a disservice to novels like “Thrusting Blossoms” and “Prick of Thorns.” The plot of Avatar may well have been taken directly from Disney’s Pocohontas . Hell, True Lies was as tonally schizophrenic and well-conceived as a serial killer’s mix tape. Even great movies like Aliens aren’t great because James “I’m a Doo-Doo Head” Cameron wrote the crap out of them. He has a sense for visual exhilaration and gorgeous action. So when he begins squawking about how Peter Berg’s upcoming Battleship is a sign of an ongoing “story crisis” in Hollywood, I would have to say “Right, but you started it.” The two biggest grossing movies of ALL TIME could have plots that barely fill one cocktail napkin. They are riddled with recycled tropes and themes, and Berg is somehow supposed to take shit from Cameron? Whatever. Just like it sucks that Cameron is so successful, it also sucks that he’s right. Yes, there is a story crisis. No, he’s not above it. Also, I’m forever forward using the image above for stories about the semi-mullet, chinless wonder. Why? Because it’s a reminder that Kathryn Bigelow is classy and beautiful and he’s a sea-troll obsessed with turtlenecks.
Get it? Because musicals have…you know what, I try hard at this, okay?! Despite apparently trying to kill its cast and maim its audience with awful storytelling, the Spidey musical was the number one attraction last week on Broadway. I’m sure it had something to do both with people wanting to be there for the first fatality as much as Spidey’s universal appeal. It’s technically just in the preview phase, which means they still have a few weeks to completely rewrite the script and find a way not to murder the performers. Seriously, the reviews consist of “it’s pretty…it’s dangerous…it’s stupid.” If it holds up at this level of revenue, it’s also a hit. Also interesting is this:
Once is coming to Broadway! The charming indie Irish music-based movie should charm the shit out of audiences in real life just like it did on the screen. I can’t tell you how deeply affecting the movie and music were, so if they can bottle that and sell it in a new way, good for them!
You can’t keep James Bond down…without using sex.
Despite the death-roar of MGM, Bond will rise again. Yes, that’s right, there will be a 007 23. It will hit in 2012. No one is surprised by this news, but it is good news. If I were the powers that be here, I would make sure it ends the current trilogy by really breaking out the big name bad guys and digging into the great world laid out by the last two movies. I liked both of them quite a bit but am ready for Jimmy B to fight someone other than the super secret terrorist organization’s accountant (yes, that’s really who he fought last time). Bring out the big boys like…BLOFELD?!
Breathe easy, Middle Earth
These guys are officially back for The Hobbit. You can relax now.
That’s it for today. Let’s meet up tomorrow where I’ll reveal if I’ve stuck with “Daily Dump” as a title (hint: things are looking good on that front). In the meantime, follow me on Twitter or NONE SHALL PASS.