Hey blog fans, welcome back. Are you excited that I’ve chosen to hang on to “The Daily Dump?” No? But…but there’s so many doody-related jokes that will be inspired by that decision. It’s a brown treasure! It’s a number one, number two decision! The jokes will just squirt out of me! See, this is a good time, isn’t it? I am nothing if not classy. No, wait, it was crude. I’m nothing if not crude. My bad, C-words are a challenge.

Okay, moving right along. Today all of the news is lame sauce. I can do it all in couplet quickly:

Earlier today a web site did say

before Green Hornet a trailer would play,

it would be our first glimpse on the big screen

of the new version of the revamped X-team.

But alas it was wrong and won’t come to pass

there will be no trailer for X-Men: First Class.

Russell Crowe has been getting quite fat,

not that there’s anything wrong with that.

The RZA doesn’t care about his large weight,

he cast him in a movie not shot in the states.

The Man With the Iron Fist is set in the East

and RZA will write and direct that beast.

If I where him, I’d make sure Crowe was well fed

or alas, poor RZA, may wind up dead.

They’re making a movie about Missile Command

This news is one for which I cannot stand

I dealt with the indignity of a Ouija board movie

I coped with news that Battleship would be

But this is too much, a geometry game?

It’s proof that the world has quite gone insane.

But the last laugh’s on me, I know it will be

when the damn thing makes large sums of money.

That’s the news today. For realz. With a z. So it’s a good time for me to write a brief letter to Kevin Smith.

It’s cool, we go way back. That is to say, my wife once asked him a question at a Q&A at a Comicon.

Dear Kevin,

Hey, man. You don’t remember me (mostly because we’ve never spoke), but I was a big fan of yours growing up. Chasing Amy still ranks among my favorite films of all time, and I have probably defended your movies, persona, and general doings as many times in this past decade as anybody. So let me be the first to say that I understand your current pissing contest with critics. They were mean to you. They hurt your feelings. That is not an inconsequential thing to have happen to you. If stories are accurate, hurt feelings led to the creation of the billion-dollar enterprise of Facebook; hurt feelings have resulted in globonuclear proliferation in South Korea; hurt feelings are not something to f**k with. They tore into Cop Out like it was an international war criminal. In reality, it was just a bad movie. I know, I know, you don’t believe that it was, but it was. You make bad movies sometimes. Everybody who makes movies makes bad movies some times. Except Stanley Kubrick, but he’s dead, so there you go.

Your position that involves not letting critics screen your upcoming and bad-ass looking (and potentially career defining) Red State is stupid. It’s stupid because people with hurt feelings don’t act intelligently. They act emotionally. And you’re acting emotionally. You have argued that you get nothing out of letting people critique your movies early. You may be right. But guess what, you’re a part of something bigger, something you dreamed about when you were a kid. I know this because you’ve been on Ebert’s show. I know this because you review movies sometimes yourself. Talking about movies is awesome. Critics talk about movies. Therefore, that’s awesome. You know this in your heart. You know that discourse of any kind about movies is something special and cool and that shutting it down is something you only want to do because you’re mad. Stop it, man. Stop it. Especially considering that you’re about to have what I believe could be your finest moment as a director. Run that shit out there! Get people’s eyes on it! If they hate it, who the hell cares, you love it anyway, right? I promise you, I’m going to have to see it whether 100% of critics slap it around.

Worst of all, you are so active on Twitter. Why is that worst of all? Because it means you’re aware of the power of digital conversation. The guys online who review movies and such, they’re good people. They’re forged from the fires of Internet anonymity and the loose journalistic rules that go with that, sure. They’re a teeming mass of democratized criticism, and your overactive use of Twitter shows you get why. You understand that this new technology affords us the opportunity to speak more often. Hell, I read your responses more than I read critics who tore you down! Beyond all of that, if you hadn’t made it into movies, if your grand experiment had failed, you would be one of us…and you know it.

Here’s my suggestion: Screen the shit out of Red State . Be the affable everyman that you are, the weirdly American blend of narcissism and humility, go out there and promote the crap out of it. Be friendly to the online guys and shrug off their criticism. Ignore the big name critics if they slap you down and embrace them if they don’t. Because this angry stuff…this isn’t the guy I grew up with.

Kev, buddy, I dissed on some of your movies. I did. I also loved the ever-lovin’ crap out of some of your movies. I don’t like everything my own friends and family do, you can’t expect everyone to like everything you do. But you know there’s a value in it. It’s time to come back to the fold, burn the angry schtick, and make nicey nice. Because I fear if you don’t, you’re going to miss something amazing with Red State and as a fan of yours from way back, I don’t want that to happen, okay?

In conclusion: Listen to me and everything will be cool.

Thanks, and my wife says “hi.”


Follow me on Twitter. That’s not just for Kev, that’s for everybody.

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