Do Electric Sheep Dream of Androids?

They’ve gone too far. The Toy Story franchise has always flirted with borderline horrific implications about the sentience of supposedly inanimate objects. The aging of Andy proves that puberty still happens in that reality, which means those toys have been through some stuff. However, Forky (Tony Hale), who is introduced in Toy Story 4, kicks […]

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7 Years Bad Luck

It sucks that many of us saw this day coming. Exciting as it was when Netflix announced it was taking over Black Mirror, it seemed inevitable the series would lose its touch to a certain degree. A new season dropped last week, and it’s officially the first bad batch. Certainly not terrible but definitely not […]

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Let Chris Hemsworth Rap, You Cowards!

FYI: There’s no such thing as sequelitis, your movie just sucks. Men in Black: International has all the joy and spontaneity of a sentient Excel spreadsheet. Coldly calculated to be maximally inoffensive and profitable across key commercial demographics, it is the Instagram influencer of motion pictures. Just working up the energy to explain its uselessness […]

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It’s Magically Realistic!

A new “scientific” study alleges that you can drink 25 cups of coffee a day without your heart doing the Dick Cheney mambo. That seems like the minimum amount of caffeine consumed by most comic book movie makers. The vast majority of superhero flicks feel like a cappuccino kissed with Red Bull, but Fast Color […]

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Far From Yay

You may or may not know that Dark Phoenix is supposed to be the epic conclusion to a cinematic universe of superheroes that’s been around nearly twice as long as Avengers. Don’t worry, you don’t live under a rock. Disney/Marvel recently acquired 20th Century Fox, the studio with exclusive rights to X-Men and Fantastic Four […]

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Pain in the End

An estimated 13.5 million Americans watched the finale of Lost. I am one of the literally tens of those Americans who loved it. It’s not just that decades of Chicago sports fandom and poor relationship choices had taught me to associate loving something with disappointment; I loved it because it resolved the characters. Sure, abandoned […]

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Cutting Room for June 2019

If you have a deep yearning for German submarine thrillers, maybe don’t lead with that in your dating profile. Also, I have good news for you. Apparently, Hulu has made a sequel to Das Boot, which is, of course, German for “kinky boots.” Starring Lizzy Caplan, the claustrophobic World War II series debuts June 17 […]

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They Did the Mash!

Let’s get this out of the way first: In a movie that includes a tri-headed dragon and a Nakatomi plaza-sized spider, Mark (Kyle Chandler) is easily the most grotesque monstrosity. This dude is introduced to us while he’s shooting B-roll wolf footage for a knockoff Planet Earth. Yet somehow, within minutes, he’s bossing around the […]

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Monster-splaining

Computer-generated effects are finally so advanced that Godzilla movies can flesh out the giant radioactive lizard with an actual personality and spare us the typical human drama no one cares about. The great tragedy is that Godzilla movies are so expensive, no studio will ever risk actually sparing us human characters as an insurance policy, just […]

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Crossing the Stream

Inspired by the Martha of it all, if Netflix’s most recent tsunami of original films Voltron-ed into just one movie, I’d call it Quantity v Quality: The Dawn of Just Okay. If you’re hungry enough, anything looks like food. After binging all the good stuff, our streaming overlords are hoping a few good ingredients are […]

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