Mayor’s Race Shakeup: McCheese leads

Omaha has seen its race for mayor turned on its head by the surprise inclusion of a second incumbent, Mayor McCheese, whose tenure in McDonald’s-land has led to both unprecedented French fry prosperity and childhood obesity. Conservative opponents Jean Stothert and Dave Nabity have tried to outflank the talking cheeseburger on social issues, suggesting his reliance on “fancy ketchup” and French Fries indicates an implicit support of a larger gay agenda. Meanwhile, mayoral candidate Jim Welch hopes to eclipse McCheese on the grounds that only one of them is a fictional talking food item, a position that may threaten Welch’s commanding lead among stoners with the munchies. Welch is believed to be linked to the outside group that sponsored the latest attack against McCheese, pointing to his inability to handle rampant Hamburgling in an ad titled simply “Robble Robble.”

Suttle Insistent: “I Was Not the Wizard in the Original Wizard of Oz!”

In the wake of a third accredited member of the Lollipop Guild claiming to have evidence, Omaha mayor Jim Suttle once again issued a denial that he was the titular character in MGM’s classic film. “Don’t you think if I could project a giant floating version of my head complete with booming voice and smoke that the City Council would have passed my firefighter proposal sooner?” asked Suttle, who was notably not being harassed by evil magical witches. Several students from the University of Nebraska Omaha wearing tie-dyed shirts and playing hacky-sack pointed out that Pink Floyd’s seminal album “Dark Side of the Moon” synched up precisely with Suttle’s 2013 “State of the City” address. But to no avail, as the mayor continued to deny his involvement with Oz, albeit behind a giant curtain he demanded the press “pay no attention to.” After proclaiming his innocence, Suttle passed a diploma to opponent Jean Stothert, a heart-shaped clock to opponent Dave Nabity and a medal to opponent Brad Ashford and climbed aboard a hot air balloon and went about his day.

Proposed Unicameral Dress Code “Totally Not Targeted at Ernie Chambers”

A proposed dress code bill titled the “Nebraska Opportunity for Totally Elegant, Refined, Normal, Interesting and Essential Clothing. Hampering Abusive Menswear by Barring Eyesore Regalia from Sears,” or NOTERNIECHAMBERS, is supposedly not about Ernie Chambers. Although the legislation specifically bans monochromatic T-shirts and jeans or any combination of clothing items intended to indicate a humble and genuine connection with the people being represented, it is an alleged coincidence. The bill’s sponsor, gubernatorial candidate and State Senator Charlie Janssen, swears it has nothing to do with Chambers’ well-known penchant for casual attire, claiming the inspiration came from watching British parliament, where they “wear them fancy wigs and such.” Chambers, for his part, has refused to weigh in on the matter, focusing instead on matters of systemic racial intolerance, ingrained discrimination against the poor and other subjects of moral consequence. Since we’ll never see it in real life, an artist rendered his image in a tuxedo.

Nebraska Considers Controversial Gun Law Let Larger Guns Carry Smaller Guns “For Protection”

With supporters sticking to their stance that “guns don’t kill people, people do,” Nebraska is poised to make a significant change, allowing legally owned guns to carry smaller, concealed guns. A supporter of the proposed bill remarked, “Studies have shown time and again that owning a gun makes a home safer. So it only follows that allowing guns to own guns would make us doubly safe. Honestly, it’s just common sense.” Although guns are inanimate objects and are thus unable to qualify for or subject themselves to a basic background check, supporters suggest such a step is altogether unnecessary anyway. “The only reason guns exist is to shoot at bad people, so how can giving guns the right to own guns go wrong?” asked a fan of the bill, Kelvin Bigammo. “It’s not like they’ve ever been used in a way other than by well-regulated militias. It’s in the Constitution. Angels wrote the Second Amendment.” Although the logistics by which firearms will be able to actually purchase other firearms remains a mystery, the bill is likely to pass the Unicameral with minor opposition.

Creighton’s Move to Big East Latest Setback for Nebraska Geography

Already challenged by the Bob Kerrey Pedestrian Bridge link to Iowa, local geography took another massive hit when Creighton University agreed to join the Big East Athletic Conference. Despite a stunning lack of clarification regarding the words “Big” and “East,” Creighton has pointed to their ability to put a small orange ball through a slightly larger orange hoop as proof that they are, indeed, eligible for an “athletic conference.” Universities across the country have been realigning themselves with new and different conferences in an attempt to stay relevant, but none have been as audacious as Creighton, which has now implicitly suggested that the East Coast begins in Council Bluffs. Council Bluffs, for its part, has embraced the move, launching a tourism campaign stating “explore Europe without the Europeans.” Despite enthusiastic support, including citizens suggesting Lake Manawa is “kinda like the Atlantic Ocean,” Illinois has protested its presence in Eastern Europe.

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