Here comes one of the craziest Mercury retrogrades I’ve ever imagined. Imagine that — with me. Read on, oh undaunted scryers, for truth and discovery are at hand — and can be richly rewarding during such trying times. Good luck, and check out my newly renovated website, thanks to Jeff Spring.

l PISCES (2.20-3.20)  You thought you were done? You’re not! Boom! Here comes the truth! Getting a little lazy in a lax season? You’ll start to pay this week. Starting on the 24th, the fish emulsion hits the fan ’til the first week of April. Mercury retrogrades back into Pisces. Get ready; it’ll be time for you to play THE FOOL! Everybody has to sometimes, right? It’ll blow your mind. Your turn in the barrel, Matey. In addition, with Mars retrograde in your opposite sign, you have to beware of violent opposition. Have fuuunnnn, but don’t rock the boat(?).

a ARIES (3.21-4.20)  Hang in there ’til mid-April. You’re in an icky, icky mess with a picky, picky boss. Try my school of Kung Fu, “dancing in the void” (avoidance). You don’t have to answer the phone. It’s here to serve you; not the other way around. Mercury entered Aries at dawn on Friday, the 2nd, and conjuncted the planet of the unusual, the eccentric and the bizarre (Uranus) at dawn on Moonday, the 5th. Whatever happened then will get rehashed on

March 18th and will be resolved (or, at least, resolvable) on May 20th, in time for the New Moon Solar Eclipse in Gemini. Get ready! Astrology can offer thee a/the key.

b TAURUS (4.21-5.20)  Ahhhh… I see you riding your good looks into the sunset… I guess all you’ll need is free drinks in exchange for (your) empty promises? What’s important to you? Get your good-lookin’ face out a da mirror so you can see clearer, and I’ll buy you a lite beer(-er)! (There are no “10”s with double chins!) Gotcha!

c GEMINI (5.21-6.21)  Your ruler Mercury moves retrograde in early Aries for 3 weeks, starting on Moonday, the 12th. Tell me what happens around the 18th, when retrograding Mercury conjuncts the planet of the unusual, the eccentric and the bizarre, Uranus. Start thinking altruistically. (Well then, look it up!) We’ll talk more next week, when once again, we speak.

d CANCER (6.22-7.22)  Boom! We just had the Full Moon in Virgo. Spring cleaning? Spring cleaning! The confusion starts at a party (11th House), and unexpectedly affects your reputation (10th House). Your patent response (excuse?) is, “I did it for you all.”

e LEO (7.23-8.22)  Ahhh… Your season is starting up. Finish up faceting, fill yourself with resolve and look for that feeling of completion. You are finally free for the first time in 14 years. Look back and see how you did against these last 14 years of “vague” opposition. Welcome back to being on track. Take your dreams, use them to create and/to show us your greatness, for this year you are the Dragon!

f VIRGO (8.23-9.22)  Please read Gemini, above. With you, it begins with a miscommunication with partners that leaks into your domestic situation. A reminder: Mars is retrograde, moving “backward” through the first half of Virgo ’til mid-April. It’s bound to get more intense as we enter Mars-ruled Aries, and especially intense around March 22nd; the New Moon in Aries conjunct the planets Uranus and Mercury. Watch out and be prepared!

g LIBRA (9.23-10.22)  Venus is in Taurus ’til the first week in April. Here starts the usual spring ritual; your high, aesthetic symmetrically-balanced ideal of/for beauty versus Taurus’ behind-the-barn, farmyard technology strategies. But before you write ’em off, they got some money for ya (watch the farm/animal references). Talk about cheese-aholics! You win — again!

h SCORPIO (10.23-11.22)  The Moon enters Scccccccorpio on Saturday night, right before midnight! Close enough! It’s your weekend! After noon on Sunday, opposites attract. Great aspects! Stay home on Moonday. (Mercury retrogrades in your 6th House of work/health. I guess you should tell ’em you’re sick?) On the 13th, you’re lucky for money. Let the world show you a good time on Wednesday and pay ’em back Thursday eve.

i SAGITTARIUS (11.23-12.21)  How are the “lucky duckies” of the zodiac this week? Have you been watching Venus conjuncting your ruler Jupiter in the night sky? They kiss around midnight on the night of the 13th. Make a wish… Are you a/the dancer? How does the MOJO know? Your lucky number is “6.”

j CAPRICORN (12.22-1.20)  You’re a week away. Take a week to enjoy your children and the children of your creativity, your art and the art of your life. Your 5th House of pleasure is activated with/by the Venus/Jupiter conjunction in Taurus at midnight on the 13th. With Mercury retrograde in your 4th House, there’s confusion in the home center. Organize your/for spring cleaning, and do something nice for your roommate (before it’s too late).

k AQUARIUS (1.21-2.19)  Please read Pisces, then Aries, and then Virgo. Hell, read ’em all! Astrology can help you through this. Understand your sign (an amalgam of the first 10 signs), then study the all (the 12 signs), and then return to your sign with a new understanding of its beauty and position within the entire zodiac. The 3rd one’s the charm.

Subscribe to The Reader Newsletter

Our awesome email newsletter briefing tells you everything you need to know about what’s going on in Omaha. Delivered to your inbox every day at 11:00am.

Become a Supporting Member

Subscribe to and become a supporting member to keep locally owned news alive. We need to pay writers, so you can read even more. We won’t waste your time, our news will focus, as it always has, on the stories other media miss and a cultural community — from arts to foods to local independent business — that defines us. Please support your locally-owned news media by becoming a member today.

Leave a comment