The Adventures of Super Vlad

Left out of the superhero movie party every other studio is throwing, Universal made the ballsy decision to turn Dracula into caped crusader. Gone are the prominent widow’s peak, goofy accent and overtly sexual fanged penetration, this Dracula sucks blood to save people! Like a mix between Braveheart and a literal bat-man, Transylvania’s favorite son […]

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Lucy Goosey

It doesn’t work this way with people, but there’s a level of confident stupidity a movie can display that makes it endearing. Lucy is that kind of stupid. Cocksure and confidently, it swaggers around, daring you to question any of the unimaginable number of scientific inaccuracies it hurls. You can practically hear writer/director Luc Besson […]

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Fury Is Missing Fast

Inside of writer/director David Ayer’s Fury is a tight, 90-minute, “we will hold this line” war movie populated with complex characters and surprisingly good performances. Problem is, it was slipped into the carcass of a dirty, confused, overly serious, inconsistently grotesque snoozer in which Shia LaBeouf cries so often you’ll want to beat the accountant’s […]

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Bleak and White

Celebrated narcissist and Freddy Krueger look-a-like Frank Miller gives the women he writes a plethora of career choices. They can be prostitutes, strippers, bondage-wearing murderers or corpses. Some get to be all of those! Sin City: A Dame to Kill For is part entertaining cartoon noir, part violently fetishized relationship revenge fantasy. The first part […]

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Artificially Intelligent

Dear cast and crew of Transcendence, It sucks, but this happens sometimes. You’ve made a perfectly fine (albeit unremarkable) movie, and the critics, both professionals and those deputized by social media, have decided to work you over like you owe them money. It should take human rights violations for a film to score below Need […]

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Tainted Love

Far from Puritanical and chaste, my film sensibilities are such where so-called “graphic” content is usually lucky if it barely forces me to raise a single eyebrow. But they haven’t invented a cartoon emoji expressive enough for the face I made when I realized just how explicit writer/director Alain Guiraudie’s L’inconnu du Lac (Stranger by […]

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Droning On

For one brief, shining moment, the completely unnecessary remake of Robocop suggested the possibility of non-suckage. Pat Novak (Samuel L. Jackson), a host of cable news propaganda, frothily and non-ironically suggests using the same drone-based military action we use abroad to curb violence at home. Suddenly, this Robocop appeared to have a purpose: skewering American […]

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Tame, Lame Video Game

Glam it up all you want: Ender’s Game is about a kid playing a high-stakes video game. And before Fred Savage-fueled visions of The Wizard go Super-Mario-dancing in your head, you should know this features absolutely no Power Glove love. Based on a beloved book by awful homophobe and terrible human being Orson Scott Card, […]

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Great-uitous

Let’s just get right to it: The 12-minute graphic lesbian sex scene at the heart of Blue is the Warmest Color is crazy problematic. Not because the hauntingly talented participants, Adèle (Adèle Exarchopoulos) and Emma (Léa Seydoux), aren’t infusing the scene with honest passion and sexual self-discovery. No, it’s more that it doesn’t feel “right;” […]

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WikiDribbles

Seeing as how IRL, nobody can stop typing on various devices long enough to talk to each other with their mouth parts, why make a movie that could be called Watch ‘em Type? The Fifth Estate is Keystrokes: The Movie, a flat, dull, repetitive dud made modestly palatable because nobody doesn’t like the taste of […]

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