Someone Call Chris Hansen

Since its release a few weeks ago, Tomorrowland has become surprisingly polarizing among film critics who can’t seem to decide if it’s overwhelming sense of optimism is endearing or obnoxious. At the moment, Tomorrowland’s rating on the critic consensus site Rottentomatoes.com sits at a perfectly split 50%, and I’ve seen four or five think pieces […]

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Nothing Beneath

The Surface is a frustratingly difficult film to discuss because it revolves around mysteries so plainly obvious that I’m not sure what I can and can’t tell you without ruining the, um…surprises? The story follows two strangers suddenly trapped together on a sinking boat in the middle of Lake Michigan. I never doubted their reasons […]

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Sexually Transmitted Ignorance

Writer/director David Robert Mitchell’s It Follows is an alarmingly well-reviewed throwback horror movie that follows Jay Height (Maika Monroe), whose vagina gets cursed by Satan after she does it with her boyfriend. He straps her to a chair and explains she’s got poltergeist AIDS now because he had it and gave it to her. He […]

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Don’t Watch Once

Kill Me Three Times fails to be the Australian version of Pulp Fiction that director Kriv Stenders so clearly wants it to be. Besides the fact that’s a boring aspiration anyway, Stender’s new film never manages to emulate the energy of the classic Tarantino film. Everything feels routine: the three titled acts presented out of […]

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Awful, Not Full of Awe

Preposterous, pseudointellectual, poorly constructed, clichéd, impenetrably masculine, goofy and possessed of an indecipherable ending, Interstellar is the mother of all misfires. It is a bloated juggernaut of stupidity, rolling its obese body stuffed with melodramatic subplots towards a conclusion that would have been laughed at had it been anyone other than writer/director Christopher Nolan who […]

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Define “Run”

At this point, there is just one Liam Neeson movie: Taken a Non-Stop Run All Night to Walk Among the Tombstones 3. Neeson isn’t in the midst of some Nicolas Cage supernova, in which an actor’s need to perpetually work and “get dat paper” creates an acting black hole more realistic than anything in Interstellar. […]

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Take It Back

Fail gloriously, if you must fail. Go down swinging for the fences, punchdrunk and confident you’re making something truly awesome that people will love, even if it winds up a steaming pile of poodoo we mock. I respect the noble fool, the proud creator of disaster who clearly put everything into a creative vision beloved […]

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So Choose One, Seth

It would be easier to shrug off writer/director/actor/egomaniac Seth McFarlane’s blatant racism and misogyny if he was funny or had a point. Alas, he isn’t and he doesn’t. A Million Ways to Die in the West is McFarlane’s laborious love letter from himself to his own stupid face and is a continuation of his brotastic […]

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Squash the Spider, Man!

Spider-man’s new costume looks swell, and Emma Stone is charming. Those are the only two things about The Amazing Spider-man 2 I didn’t hate with the fiery anger of a thousand exploding suns. Every other performance, every last bit of dialogue and plot, every character beat, every joke, every garishly cartoonish action sequence can die […]

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Bland. James Bland.

What the hell is a “shadow recruit?” Did they really just figure out the terrorist target via Instagram? Does Viktor Cherevin (Kenneth Branagh) win the award for “most stereotypical Russian villain in history” now that we know he has cirrhosis from drinking too much vodka? And seriously, what the hell is a shadow recruit?! A […]

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