Super Bad, Man

The infinite monkey theorem holds that monkeys randomly typing on keyboards for infinity will eventually produce the works of Shakespeare. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice would have been better off choosing any of the non-Shakespearean, random keystroke, monkey scripts. What writers Chris Terrio and David Goyer have done here is an unspeakable disservice to […]

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Wartcrap

To me, one scene above all other defines Warcraft, a movie as breathtakingly nonsensical as it is irresponsibly chaotic. A young, generic hero person who can sometimes burp blue flame, named Khadgar (Ben Schnetzer), stands in front of a pulsating box of gelatinous black goop. A door opens in the goopy box. Khadgar, with no […]

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F This Movie

The precise moment that Gods of Egypt really becomes Gods of Egypt is when a god seduces the woman he has kidnapped by explicitly stating how much he likes raping her, and the woman flirtatiously responds by explicitly stating how much she likes being raped. Gods of Egypt fancies itself as a modern update on […]

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Fashion Backward

The First Monday in May is a feature length-commercial for the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s world-famous annual fashion exhibition that quickly turns into a shockingly oblivious confirmation that every criticism we’ve ever heard about the fashion industry is absolutely, 100% correct. Director Andrew Rossi’s documentary is bookended by insufferable brownnosing that could only come from […]

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Speaking of Suicide…

Perhaps the only perk of seeing films in an area where limited-releases usually take weeks, often months, to arrive in theaters is that January (a dumping ground for awful movies) is peppered with films on Oscar shortlists. The Revenant opens in the area this weekend, and The Big Short, Joy and Spotlight are also in […]

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Tarantinope

Say this much for writer/director/foot fetishist/N-word-addict Quentin Tarantino, when he finally made his first bad movie, he made one of the worst films ever. The Hateful Eight is a disgusting, stupid, overlong bore. It would have sucked at half its length, but at least you could have done something more pleasurable and less soul crushing […]

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Splat

In 1974, a French artist named Philippe Petit performed a high-wire act across the twin towers of the World Trade Center that instantly became a legendary feat of beauty and spectacle. In 2008, director Robert Zemeckis (Forrest Gump) must have seen a documentary about Petit’s feat of beauty and spectacle called Man on Wire and reimagined […]

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Don’t Let Millennials Time Travel

Project Almanac understands that what people really want in a time-travel movie are long stretches of people soldering circuit boards and buying batteries. I mean, why waste time pondering temporal paradoxes when audiences just want to sit back and marvel at the thrill of people drawing circles on a chalkboard? Director Dean Israelite and writers […]

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