Speedy and Irritable

The most important thing to know before attempting to endure the lumbering bore that is Need for Speed is this: every single character in the film is unspeakably dumb. Presumably set in a world where humans never mentally evolved from an animal state, the movie features increasingly nonsensical behaviors by derpy morons whose ability to […]

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Bad Advice

Featuring an all-star cast of irreproachable actors…and also Cameron Diaz, The Counselor had Ridley Scott at the helm and an original screenplay written by Cormac McCarthy. All the ingredients in this cinematic recipe are independently delicious; so why does the final meal taste like week-old dumpster pizza with extra anchovies? From the first sequence, which […]

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Kemosloppy

Good news, Washington Redskins! For one glorious weekend in the summer of 2013, your unapologetically racist franchise is not the most grotesque pop culture representation of Native Americans! One can only imagine owner Dan Snyder pounding copious shots of “firewater” in celebration when he heard they cast Johnny Depp, a living pinnacle of paleness, as […]

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Fade to Blackout

The Hangover Part III is so jaw-droppingly terrible, America deserves an explanation. Not because this series has become some nation-defining work of art, but because it sure feels like writer/director Todd Phillips just told everyone who likes his films to go “make sexytime” to  themselves in the most unpleasant of orifices. It isn’t merely unfunny, […]

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Hocus Poke-my-eyes-out

Like a scathing satire of the Soviet Union or a mockumentary musical on grunge, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone sets its eyes on an expired target of cultural derision nobody gives a fuzzy rabbit about anymore. Dressing Steve Carrell in a Siegfried and Roy bedazzled jumpsuit only works if people know who the hell Siegfried and […]

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Les Swing and Les Miss

Two minutes in: You can do this, Ryan. Sure, a three-hour film version of a Broadway musical is a dry way to waterboard you, but people say Les Misérables is the best adaptation yet. Maybe this is the one that finally changes your mind. Five minutes in: No. No, It isn’t. This is hell. This […]

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Indecent Bro-posal

That’s My Boy isn’t just so bad that you would rather play a fun game of “scratch my retina with chicken wire” for 90 minutes; it’s so bad that writer David Caspe and director Sean Anders should be legally prosecuted for crimes against humanity. If this is what we’re capable of as creatures living in […]

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Burton Did a Bad, Bad Thing

Seriously? This is what it’s come to? Johnny Depp, that delightfully oddball talent who once worked with John Waters and Jim Jarmusch, has reached the point in his career where he’s in movies that climax with a witch barfing on him. For real? After Alice in Wonderland saw director and apparently terrible friend, Tim Burton, […]

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Taste Invaders

Here you have it, dear readers: Skyline is the worst film I’ve seen in 2010. Directed by a pair of special-effects gurus who call themselves The Brothers Strause (siblings Colin and Greg), the movie is more or less what you’d expect from guys who’ve worked their way up the ladder making computer explosions and a […]

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