King Tries to Give Kubrick a Shiner

The Shining remains a perfect masterpiece, which totally sucks. This is because no movie can possibly be good enough to justify Stanley Kubrick’s literal torture of Shelley Duvall. We still live under the gaslit delusion that talented artists should get to abuse whoever they want. So, say this much for Doctor Sleep: It is likely […]

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Frankenstein’s Hipster

Who doesn’t love a good ole fashioned modern spin on a horror classic? IFC Midnight presents Depraved, an update of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein that reimagines the tale of a grave-robbing mad scientist as the most terrifying monster of all: a Brooklyn hipster. Writer/director/editor Larry Fessenden uses every visual effect leftover from the 90s to modernize […]

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The “I” of the Tiger

A Walt Disney fairy tale about El Chapo told through the language of Gabriel García Márquez and visually painted as if guided by Frida Kahlo’s hand, Tigers Are Not Afraid is some kind of special. Writer/director Issa López obliterates genre boundaries to tell a story about the globally ignored collateral damage of cartel violence: orphaned […]

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Spoiling It

Although I appreciate Ryan’s initial poo-pooing of It: Chapter 2, this painfully plotless 3-hour behemoth that’s awkwardly reliant on Michael Bay-style CGI destruction has plenty of spoilers that are worth poo-pooing, too! It: Chapter 2 is a special kind of “bad” for a lot of reasons they couldn’t show you in the trailers. The epic […]

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Exhausting Piece of It

Starting with a wholly unnecessary hate crime sequence, It: Chapter Two is the worst clown-infused sequel since the birth of John Wayne Gacy Jr. Almost entirely plot-free, the film is frequently cheap-looking, unintentionally silly, and a total CWBH, which stands for “complete waste of Bill Hader.” That probably didn’t need an acronym, but after 170 […]

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Paganorrhea

Things that made me tense during Midsommar: People sitting at a table waiting to eat A single pubic hair Public urination Sex cheerleaders Competing thesis projects Of all the pagan nonsense involved here, writer/director Ari Aster’s ability to summon intense emotion during mundane, well-lit, ostensibly boring sequences has to be the clearest display of old-timey […]

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