Childless Couple Offer Unsolicited Parenting Tips

Local couple Brad and Sheri Winterset consider themselves to be a wealth of parental advice despite the fact that they don’t have any children.

“We know what proper parenting looks like,” Sheri said matter-of-factly. “People at work come to me all the time and ask ‘what should I do about my baby teething’ or ‘how do I get my son to respect me?’”

While the duo is happy to hold court on any topic related to child rearing, they feel especially comfortable when it comes to discipline. “Kids these days are raised without any consequences,” Brad said. “Just go into any store and you’ll see them running wild. Or just throwing all sorts of unhealthy crap into their mother’s shopping cart while she’s busy on her cell phone. It’s really not that hard, people.”

Local Toddler Could Really Use a Nap

Screaming, crying and carrying-on is something of a specialty for Barrett Jones, Jr. Fueled with an unfocused rage, the tyrannical two year-old was throwing a first class fit at the McDonald’s on 84th Street last Wednesday at 12:22 pm for apparently no reason at all.

Ellen Jones, his mother, loudly announced that she’d “had it up to here” with his behavior and that Barrett could look forward to a nice long nap as she removed him from his booster chair and made her way toward their car.

His half-eaten Filet of Fish was left at the restaurant.

Brad Broken

Brad Dickson, the Omaha World Herald’s “comedic” commentarian, hit a wall last Thursday while working on his latest compilation of zingers for “Breaking Brad,” his daily deluge of quips on current events.

“I stopped in the middle of writing and went for a walk,” he said. “I’d never done that before. As I was walking I realized that maybe I should try to edit these things down rather than just throw dozens of half-conceptualized jokes out there that weren’t all that funny to begin with.”

With a renewed vigor and a self-imposed commitment to making his comments actually funny or at least insightful, he wound up staring at a blank screen for 45 minutes before giving up entirely.

Occupy Gretna Declared A Bust

“I don’t know why I even bothered,” Jennifer Adams said and she packed up her tent and prepared to leave the “Occupy Gretna” spot in front of the Gretna, Nebraska post office. “It looked so cool on the Internet and on all the TV coverage.”

Adams said she and her cousin, Sandra Lewis, hoped to raise awareness about the disparity of wealth in this small Midwestern town of less than 3,000 residents. “We had really high hopes in the beginning, but all we got were stares,” she said, adding that they were secretly hoping for a confrontation with law enforcement. Instead all they received were puzzled looks and a plate of cookies from Edna Wilson, who lives next door to the post office. Wilson also let the girls use her bathroom, Adams said.

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