Greetings throngs of readers who visit this column filled with awesome things that should be bought who never buy those things for me! With Christmas stalking us in the corner like a fat ninja, I would imagine that people would be contacting me at like CRAZY to start sending me products to test out and enjoy so that I may promote them for the world to gobble up for presents come holiday time. Sadly, my inbox is emptier than the Tea Party’s “good idea” box. Oh well, I guess I’ll continue to shill for items that I find to be incredibly wicked awesome, even if I have to love them from afar. For those who say “why don’t you just buy them for yourself,” I hope you click 30 ads on this site today, because that’s the only way that will happen. Obviously, this is just dark sarcasm, I only want to share fun things with you. But seriously, though, click the ads.

Here’s what I want this week:

1.) Well, there goes my health plan – For the last 6 months I’ve run about 2 miles a day after doing some light weight lifting. The result has been…well, nobody really saying much of anything. Then again, I don’t have a lot of friends or people who look at me in “that way.” So, the real way I’ve consoled myself is knowing that I’m possibly allowing myself to live until they find the immortality pill. Health is its own reward!

Well, there goes that. I know that it’s made for kids. I know that the apparent recommended serving size as shown above is a Dixie cup. I also want it. You have no idea how much I love Heath Blizzards…and Boston Cream Pie Blizzards…and Banana Cream Pie Blizzards. You know what, don’t buy me this. I know it’s only 30 bucks and seems like fun, but for once your unwillingness to give me crap I ask for could save my life and hard work. Damn you, DQ. Damn you to hell.

2.) “Raising Hope” got me thinking – First off, that’s a funny show. Second, it reminded me that Shrinky Dinks exist. Then did the same thing.

I know this says “Creativity for Kids” right on the front and, when combined with the above item I want, makes me look really dumb or creepy. I don’t care. I just miss Shrinky Dinks. If I had a Blizzard I made while making Shrinky Dinks, I’d be happy. I’d also be 8, but I’d be happy.

3.) This is for a friend – I do love this shirt, which requires two photos.

How great is that? I also may or may not know someone who is currently very invested in The Tin Man. This may or may not be a great idea for him. How great is that shirt? Very. But you knew that, right?

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