I Can’t Believe They Went Hare

Here we go again, yet another CGI-animated children’s movie about the tyranny of unspoken stereotypical racial beliefs that also acts as a metaphor for the explosion of crack-cocaine in the black community in the 1980s… What? You’re saying that’s not what the Shrek series was about? Zootopia is, ahem, a “strange beast.” It’s endowed with […]

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Mutant Fight Club

Those who only know comic books through their (somehow) still-increasingly popular cinematic adaptations don’t know the dirty secret about the source material: most storylines are messy and contradict past events. Dude, the actual devil once showed up in a Spider-man comic to erase his marriage because the writers wanted him single again… X-Men: Apocalypse is […]

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Never Go “Full Arthouse”

Francofonia goes “full arthouse.” It’s a documentary with a solemn, meditative narrator who says things like, “In Europe, Europe is everywhere” and “art is unwilling to teach us prescience.” Hell, there’s a scene where Napoleon and Marianne take a seat in the Louvre to admire the Mona Lisa, while Marianne repeats the mantra, “Freedom, equality, […]

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Yas, Queens!

Oh dear God should The Huntsman: Winter’s War not work. Like, it should cause uncontrollable vomiting and permanent erectile dysfunction. So, sweet Jeebus, do I have my work cut out for me here. Nobody look at the score I gave at the bottom before reading all of this first, okay? Oh, come on! You looked. […]

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Ethics, Unchallenged

Critics keep describing A War as, “ethically challenging.” I’m not sure that term means what they think it means… The conflict at the center of the A War is cut-and-dry: a Danish military commander orders a bombing that results in the deaths of a dozen civilians in Afghanistan; he gives the order because of his […]

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Red, White and Very Blue

I don’t know who Michael Moore is making movies for at this point. That’s not an indictment or even a suggestion that Where to Invade Next isn’t fascinating. It’s just that, by this point in his outspoken career, Moore is essentially Voldemort to conservatives and a somewhat boorish mouthpiece for liberal ideology. If his intent […]

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This Is What Feminism Looks Like

Let’s start where things end: As the list of dates on which countries around the world finally recognized women’s right to vote scrolled at the end of Suffragette, the oxygen was sucked out of the room. 1971, Switzerland? Are you kidding me?! 19-frickin’-71?! Why were your morality and politics as hole-filled as your delicious cheeses?! […]

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Lower-Case Spielberg

In general, I’m not a big fan of holding artists accountable to the standard set by their best work. Making something “good” after making something “great,” doesn’t mean that the good thing is any less objectively good or that the great thing is any more great. What I’m trying to say is, Bridge of Spies […]

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The Long of It

About a decade ago, a bunch of rich assholes collapsed the world’s economy because they were dumb, evil and greedy. They didn’t go to jail, not because they weren’t icky bad criminals, but because their crimes were boring and hard to understand. You rob a bank with a gun, you go to jail. You rob […]

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