Wedding Belles

The titular characters in Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates are intended to be lovable assholes. They are definitely assholes. That anyone would find them lovable is beyond the suspension of disbelief. Dave (Zac Efron) is a simpleton who perpetually looks like you just walked in on him flexing for himself in the mirror, and […]

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Not Enough Bite

There is some fun to be had in Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, surely, but not enough to overcome a confounding lack of actual zombies. Seriously. Where the hell were all of the zombies? Juxtaposing the classic novel of manners by Jane Austen against the backdrop of a zombie apocalypse is a simple enough premise […]

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Beasts of Burden

The Jungle Book is director Jon Favreau’s “live-action”—if you count an entirely CGI environment with almost entirely CGI characters to be “live-action”—update of the classic Disney tale. A young boy, Mowgli (Neel Sethi) is protected by a panther, Bagheera (Ben Kingsley); semi-raised by a wolf, Raksha (Lupita Nyong’o); befriends a bear, Baloo (Bill Murray); kinda-almost-sorta […]

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Crawl for Your Oscar, Leo

Without spoiling whether survivalist/tempting-bear-treat Hugh Glass (Leonardo DiCaprio) survives The Revenant, we can still talk about one climactic shot. DiCaprio, having been maimed in all maimable ways, stares directly into the camera, seemingly shattering the fourth wall by sheer force of will. Teeth grit, lips sneered, his eyes scream “is this enough? Huh? Is this […]

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Run! It’s Super-ISIS!

Donald Trump. His name isn’t mentioned, but his presence is felt throughout London Has Fallen, an action film about the cartoonish nightmare scenario keeping Trump supporters awake at night. A sequel to 2013’s Olympus Has Fallen, the president is under siege…again…after an omnipresent terrorist group, capable of executing a massive attack anywhere at any moment, […]

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Less Peak, More Valley

Crimson Peak is just fine. It’s an aggressively unremarkable film; decent enough to tide over Guillermo del Toro fans before the director inevitably spends the next few years in development hell trying to get his next project off the ground. It should also hold over Tom Hiddleston fans until the British actor returns as Loki […]

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Oh No, Double 0

One time, in a James Bond movie, Denise Richards played a nuclear scientist named Dr. Christmas Jones. It’s just important for everybody freaking out about how Spectre isn’t that great to remember how far away we are from the franchise’s event horizon of bullshit. Not to say that the latest from director Sam Mendes didn’t […]

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No One Promised “Great”

Pixar’s The Good Dinosaur is a retelling of every story involving a beloved pet ever told, with the twist being the human is the pet. In an alternate reality where dinosaurs and man walked the earth together (that’s called creationism), Aldo (Raymond Ochoa), a runt of an apatosaurus, is tasked by his father (Jeffrey Wright) […]

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Talking Twinkies

The Lego Movie being somehow good ruined our ability to completely dismiss a film’s concept upon first hearing it. Who knows, maybe Minions would be infused with the same cleverness, the same all-ages wonder and fun? In the first 10 minutes, a pill-shaped living Twinkie lifts a block of ice over his head, farts and […]

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