I swear on anything you want me to swear on, I am not making the following information up. Not even a little bit. First off, all hail Slashfilm.com for what is the best image I’ve ever seen accompanying a horror remake story:

Yeah, how incredible is that. Okay, now the really funny stuff: The Weinstein company, who I cannot believe are still in business, is going to remake Hellraiser as…wait for it…a PG-13 rated, teen horror movie. Yep, the film with the most demented visuals barfed up from the nightmares of an S&M enthusiast is going to be turned into a perky-boobed, hard-bodied remake that teases and titillates without ever torturing anyone. The movie is called Hellraiser and you’re going PG-13? You think parents will be all “Hey, Johnny who is only 15, what are you going to go watch this weekend?” “Oh, no worries mom, I’m going to go see Hellraiser .” “WHAT?” “Don’t worry, it’s only PG-13.” “Whew, I was worried there for awhile. Take your sister with you then.” Remarkably stupid. Also, we’re not at the part you won’t believe yet. Amber Heard is going to be the female lead. She’s the girl standing next to Bert-as-Pinhead up there. She’s very pretty. That’s all. I have yet to see or hear convincing words come from her face whole, she’s incredibly nondescript in her attractiveness, and she’s done this sort of crap before. Also not the news you won’t believe. Okay, are you ready? Here’s the best part: The PG-13 remake of Hellraiser will be directed by….Christian E Christiansen. That is not a joke. He directed a movie called The Roommate , which my brother in law will see because it stars Minka Kelly. He’s a real person. So, there you have it, Weinsteins are remaking Hellraiser into a teenage-friendly movie directed by Christian E Christiansen. Now that’s funny.

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