Sorry I’ve been M.I.A. today, and I don’t mean the cool female hip-hop artist. The only reason I’m dragging my tired, wretched carcass to this point right now is because this is the 54th edition of Things You Should Buy Me (but don’t because you hate me), and 54 is Brian Urlacher’s number. I can’t very well fail to come to the internets and beg for people to email me at to get my address and send me the following cool stuff on the volume numbered the same as the best linebacker of my adult lifetime! Obviously, I’m kidding. About the sending me stuff, you don’t have to do that. You DO have to acknowledge the greatness that is Urlacher though. That’s non-negotiable. Here’s the top 3 things I want but won’t be sent for free despite deserving it this week:

1.) This is almost too awesome to be real – Thinkgeek amazes me from time to time. This is one of those times.

This is “The Avenging Unicorn” playset. It’s $14.99 here. If you buy it, you get four different “stabbing horns” and the opportunity to re-enact a mime being gored by a friggin’ unicorn again, and again, and again, and again. The best part to me is the hippie girl who is just mortified. Oh, sure, the accountant douchebag is shocked, but I think that’s mostly because he had a thing for the mime. See how much fun you can have with this. One more time, in case you didn’t notice, these are action figures that allow a unicorn to impale a mime. I love America.

2.) ‘Tis the season FOR MURDER – is having a great sale on some awesome Halloween-related Blu-Rays. Evil Dead and 28 Days Later are less than 10 bucks. Wow.

That’s not the best part. Follow this link and you’ll see the horror/Halloween-themed movies. Last check it went Evil Dead, Let the Right One In, The Omen, Letters to Juliet, and Daybreakers . Yes, that’s totally correct, between the movie about the spawn of Satan and a vampire infestation, you have the Amanda Seyfried movie that is scarier than both of them. How great is that? Good deals, better humor.

3.) He sleeps on a black cloud of death – How bad ass is this shirt?

Teefury has a really great Scare Bear shirt, which I adore because they really got the face and body right. Oh, and he’s holding a bloody scythe. I like that too. See, my wife loves Care Bears, and I love subversive uses of popular culture and fun Halloween mayhem. It’s a win win. But you have to get it NOW because it goes away at midnight. It’s like a reverse Gremlin. And reverse Gremlin sounds like a dirty sex position. I’m done now.

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