I gotta hurry, as everyone with fingers, access to the Internet, and a love of Batman (so, all middle class white dudes) are typing furiously in an effort to finish in fifth or sixth place in the race to bring you the first real, tangible news from the mouth of Christopher Nolan.

First, the really shocking part.

You never bought Rachel Dawes did you? I mean, sure Batman got all blubbery when she went kablooey, but have YOU seen a mainstream, big-budget movie where the hero didn’t shag the lead actress? Neither Katie Holmes nor Maggie Gyllenhaal took a ride on the bat pole, and that whole business about those models Bruce Wayne bought to come with him but then never appeared interested in, can you say “the best beards money can buy.” Yes, the third Batman film will be a musical titled The Dark Knight Gets His ; it will feature Robin, who will earn his boy wonder title, and the villain will be the group behind Proposition 8. As much as I’m kidding, I now want someone to actually make this as a viral video for the Eliminate H8 campaign. Speaking of which, how have we not gotten an update about the fast-tracking of that Prop 8 case in California. Sorry, waaaaay off topic now.

Obviously, Nolan is not brave enough to allow Batman to affirm who we all know he really is. No, the big jaw-droppers that Nolan unleashed were these: The film is called The Dark Knight Rises (which still could feature the plot I mention above), and The Riddler…is NOT the father. Sorry, too much Maury. Is NOT the villain. This (A) lends credence to Mark Millar’s rambling lies regarding Killer Croc as the villain (and the role that Tom Hardy was cast in), and that fact (B) is going to make me reconsider bumping Millar down on my master list of lying liars.

Nolan also issued the cryptic utterance that “We’ll use many of the same characters we have all along, and we’ll be introducing some new ones.” Does this mean Two-Face is back? I doubt it. I think Tom Hardy is the villain, and God help me I think he’s Killer Croc. I suppose Two-Face could still come back and tie the whole thing together, but I kind of like one idea that was tossed out there and somewhat dismissed. I kind of like the idea of Harley Quinn.

I know, I know. She’s always been thought of as the Joker’s raunchy sidekick, but what if…what if the best way to get close to the original plan that Nolan had for the return of the Joker is to treat Harley as the reincarnation of that character. To have her so inspired by what he did that she takes over for him. Basically, make her the female Joker. Cast Marion Cotillard in it, who we know has talent, and let the original plan still occur.

This probably won’t happen. We WILL get a new female character, and it will probably be the Catwoman. Yawn. But think about how cool that other idea is for a minute. Anyway, there’s your first real groundbreaking news: No Riddler. Title is The Dark Knight Rises . Thanks to Hero Complex for giving us non-lies.

Follow me on Twitter!

Leave a comment