This is usually something I do on Wednesdays. So sue me, it’s late! Actually, please don’t, I do not have the money and I don’t want to cash in my lifetime annual favor from my lawyer brother-in-law on “got sued for a late blog posting.” He’s pretty smart, so I figure I’m good for getting out of a major crime of some kind and want time to plan something good.

Speaking of things that are good, you should buy me these things below. You should write me at, ask for my address, and then send me the awesome stuff I am about to describe to you. Why? Because I’m a wonderful human being and deserve monetary and material goods in exchange for my awesomeness. Okay, fine, I’m not really expecting you to send any of this (I won’t send it back if you do, though, just FYI). I do expect you to say “whoa, that crap is COOL” and then buy it for yourself or someone you love more than me. Sadface.

Here’s the stuff I want but can’t have this week:

1.) Because I’m a fan of things that are plush, even though they shouldn’t be – You have to admire the cleverness involved in making this:

That’s Alex, a character from A Clockwork Orange . He does bad things. Now he’s a plush doll. The product description cleverly says “all of the style, none of the social commentary.” Given that this is a Stanley Kubrick movie we’re talking of, that description also fits Brian DePalma. Zing! Look, either you’re familiar enough with the movie to be like “OMG, they made a doll from a movie that includes a soliloquy that involves rape and Beethoven” or you don’t find this weird/appealing at all. Also, he’s only $14. That’s a small amount for this bizarrely awesome conversation starter. But it Here.

2.) Now for this week’s installment of “Which Star Wars Merch is Weird Enough to Want This Week ” – Seriously, Lucasfilm, feel free to NOT make an intriguing piece of memorabilia for a week or so. It would be nice to have this be a non-Lucas-friendly zone for a week. Then you go and make these:

Those are ear buds. That’s right, they retract. You can shove Darth Vader’s hands into your ears and hear through them. Tell me that wasn’t concocted by someone on shrooms. “Dude, what if…hear me out here…whoa, I’m about to talk about headphones and I just said hear twice. Anyway, what if you could shove Yoda’s hands in your ears…but, like, they weren’t his hands…but they were, like, tiny speakers.” Now you can buy this somehow insanely cool hallucinated idea for yourself. Yay for brain-impairing drugs!

3.) Make a ninja shirt, I pimp the ninja shirt – It’s simple. It’s Threadless. It’s always going to wind up here if it involves ninjas.

Look, this isn’t rocket science. Ninjas are cool. This shirt has ninjas. This shirt is cool. Boom. Done. Buy it.

That’s all for my wants this week, sorry they were late.

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