The death of the comic book movie genre is being greatly exaggerated, despite the fact that Madam Web is one hell of a motive for its murder. There’s an oft-repeated sitcom joke where a character has to find something good-but-small to praise in a horrible play or movie that their friend did. “The lighting was atmospheric,” they’ll say. The lighting sucked in Madam Web. Any compliment is a lie. It is palpable what a horrible time everyone had making the movie, a wildly unpleasant experience that can only be topped by having to watch it.
Only us Spider-Man nerds care, but the original Madam Web was a silver-haired, blind fortune teller in a wheelchair who dressed exclusively in a spider-emblazoned slanket. Somewhere in the multiverse, Helen Mirren got an Oscar for bringing that version to life. In this one, Dakota Johnson is Cassandra Webb, a character whose defining characteristic is that she’s unlikeable. That’s not a shot at Johnson – although it’s also not not a shot – so much as it is a literal fact pointed out by other characters in the film.
Those other characters include Ben Parker (Adam Scott). That’s right, the film serves as the origin story of Spidey’s father figure Uncle Ben, whose defining characteristic is reminding everyone that the second season of Severance is overdue. Set in 2003 for – and this is very important – absolutely no reason, the nonsensical plot sees Cassie granted the ability to kinda sorta see versions of the future because her mother got bit by a magic spider in the Amazon while dying during childbirth. She has a vision of Ezekial Sims (Tahar Rahim) killing three teenaged girls: Julia Cornwall (Sydney Sweeney), Mattie Franklin (Celeste O’Connor), and Anya Corazon (Isabela Merced). Their defining characteristics are shy, sassy, and shy-but-sassy, respectively.
Why is Zeke trying to off some young’uns? Because he too has magic Amazonian spider mojo that shows him a future vision of the three women as superheroes that toss him off a building to his death. It may be interesting to discover how they become spider-themed adventurers, so the movie never goes there. It does spend a lot of time with Zosia Mamet in front of a wall of monitors telling her evil boss where to find the ladies. And it also shows the origins of Spider-Man’s defining mantra. Only instead of “with great power comes great responsibility,” a jungle wizard says “when you take on great responsibility, great power will come.” Which is (A) just really, truly, absolutely not true and (B) almost the logical opposite of what that message is supposed to be about.
Everyone. E-v-e-r-y-o-n-e in the movie gives a horrible performance. None worse than Rahim, whose every line of dialogue was clearly redone in post. It’s genuinely quite funny how he only talks when off-camera or when it is too dark to see if his words match how his lips move. There’s a really upsetting scene where the girls dance on a table to Britney Spears’s “Toxic” for a bunch of what appear to be frat boys. The finale takes place in a fireworks factory, and said fireworks are shown blowing holes in brick walls. The Pepsi ad placement is so blatant, it’s a sign of restraint Madam Web doesn’t stand over a defeated villain and say “Should have had an ice-cold, refreshing Pepsi-Cola.”
Nothing, nothing, nothing is good here. It is unfortunate that it exists.
Grade = F
Other Critical Voices to Consider
Alison Willmore at Vulture says “In some sequences, Johnson gamely gives Math Lady meme face as her character, Cassandra Webb, first tries to accept and understand the precognitive powers she’s developing. In others, she recites her lines with the resignation of someone who has come to terms with the fact that she’s appearing in a real stinker. Girl, give us nothing! No, seriously, there’s no point in doing anything more.”
Rosa Parra at In Their Own League says “The trailers sold me on an action-packed film where a group of women were going to be kicking ass! But instead, I got a movie about Cassandra Web becoming a guardian to the teens and her journey in dealing with her powers— and the teens were massively underutilized.”
Emmanuel “E-Man” Noisette at The Movie Blog says “From the cringy Spider-Man references and absurd logic of its characters, this film immediately becomes one of the more forgettable comic book movies of the year. This felt like a troll job to spite fans who are tired of these Spider-Man-Less films.”