Zig-A-Zig-Ah 2019

I’ll Tell You What (Movies) I Really Really Want


The most anticipated new release of 2019 will—fingers crossed—have Robert Mueller’s signature on it. Apologies to anyone who mistakenly thought “stay in my lane” would be among my New Year’s resolutions… The good news is that we will have an ample supply of cinematic shenanigans to distract us from the ongoing abject failure of our political institutions! Huzzah to anyone who correctly thought “use more exclamation points” would be among my New Year’s resolutions!!

Let’s blow through 2019 like Father Time fast-forward farted and take a look at my most anticipated film for each month. An important caveat: Indie and arthouse movies are slower to schedule specific releases. I promise, my Spidey senses are also hella a-tingle for the entirety of Film Streams’ “Coming Soon” section!

January

Glass (Jan. 18)

The greatest trick M. Night Shyamalan ever pulled was getting me excited about one of his movies again. The director who made a movie about Marky Mark fighting plants is wrapping up the Unbreakable trilogy, which I can’t believe exists. Just watching Bruce Willis’s poncho-clad Superman fight James McAvoy’s disassociated man-beast at the behest of Samuel L. Jackson’s purple plotting will be deeply satisfying, even if it somehow sucks.

February

Cold Pursuit (Feb. 8)

February is traditionally the month when most people catch up on limited releases from the year prior that are nominated for Oscars. February is now the month when we all watch Liam Neeson as a snowplow driver hellbent on revenge, killing people in snowplow-related homicides. I promise, this is a whole, real movie despite looking like a fake movie poster you’d see in another movie.

March

Us (March 15)

It’s not fair that I forced myself to choose only one movie per month! I am the teensy-weensiest nano-quark more excited to see Us than Captain Marvel (March 8). You may possibly remember director Jordan Peele’s directorial debut, Get Out, from being the best movie that came out in 2017. His sophomore effort has scientolo-thespian extraordinaire Elisabeth Moss and Lupita Nyong’o, so it doesn’t really matter that we still don’t really know what it’s about.

April

Hellboy (April 12)

Have you seen what Hopper from Stranger Things (David Harbour) looks like as the titular character? If so, I don’t really have to explain myself with this pick. With Guillermo del Toro off bathing in the glow of his mer-porn Oscar, director Neil Marshall takes over this reboot. As someone who still talks about the glory of The Descent and Doomsday, I am quite comfortable with this deal that involves the devil.

May

Godzilla: King of the Monsters (May 31)

Your bank account statement is going to sound like it’s stuttering in May, repeating “movie theater” over and over again. You’ve got Avengers: Endgame (May 3), John Wick: Chapter 3 (May 17) and Aladdin (May 24), all of which you’re legally obligated to see in order to retain citizenship. But if you’re not most excited to see Godzilla fight Mothra and King Ghidorah, your priorities are dangerously a-whack. I’m told there will be humans acting in this film. I told those who told me this information that I don’t care.

June

Untitled Danny Boyle Comedy Project (June 28)

That’s right, my most anticipated movie of June is so hip it doesn’t even have a name yet! Boyle is too often left off of lists that contain the elite directors of our era. Boyle teaming up with Kate McKinnon and writer Richard Curtis is enough to capture this month’s crown in my book, which a weird place for me to keep a crown, I admit. All I know is that this is set in the 60s/70s and follows a struggling musician, played by Himesh Patel. This is great because nothing is funnier to me than a struggling musician. They can’t pay for stuff and they sing! Classic.

July

Spider-Man: Far From Home (July 5)

Any bets on just how awkward and awful Quentin Tarantino’s press junkets for Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (July 26) will get? What are the odds that the new animated version of the old animated classic The Lion King (July 19) becomes the top-grossing film of all time? While people are asking themselves these things, I’ll be watching Spider-Man again and again. Spider-Man: Homecoming was maybe my favorite superhero movie ever. This sequel likely can’t compete with it, but it’s throwing Bubble Boy (Jake Gyllenhaal) at it, which is always the right move.

August

New Mutants (Aug. 2)

Now that everyone speaks fluent comic book, we’re ready for some accents. That is to say, New Mutants appears to be a horror movie starring young X-Men. Some people may be concerned that the film was delayed, like, a year. But those people are cowards. Cowards, I say! If I’m right, they spent that time making this a bit more horror-y. Huzzah and hurrah for more horror-ah!

September

The Kitchen (Sept. 20)

Haven’t heard of this one? Sit down. I’m serious. I’m not doing this until you sit. Thank you. Writer/director Andrea Berloff’s directorial debut stars Melissa McCarthy, Elisabeth Moss, and Tiffany Haddish as wives of New York gangsters in Hell’s Kitchen in the 1970s who decide to continue their husband’s criminal activities after they get locked up. I told you to sit down, so it’s not my fault if you read that while walking and ran into a wall or something. We have to keep the planet going until at least September.

October

Zombieland 2 (Oct 2019)

The voice cast of the animated Addams Family (Oct. 11) flick is so divine, I almost put that one here. Oscar Isaac as Gomez and Charlize Theron as Morticia? If it were live-action, I’d demand a national holiday for its release. Instead, I chose Zombieland 2, a sequel I never thought we’d get. The first film is one of those movies whose gravitational pull I cannot resist when I pass it on cable. I doubt they’ll be able to recapture the pitch-perfect tone and originality of the first flick, but I’m too hyped anyway. Who do you think they’ll use as the celebrity-playing-themselves-as-a-zombie cameo? Brad Pitt wasted his quirky walk-on during Deadpool 2, so my money is on Tom Hanks.

November

Charlie’s Angels (Nov. 1)

Writer/director Elizabeth Banks oversees this reboot featuring Kristen Stewart, Naomi Scott, and Ella Balinska. If that’s not enough for you, I’ll raise you a “Patrick Stewart as Bosley.” I understand that this is breaking little-to-no new ground, but the idea that every generation gets a new set of Angels is pretty great, and the Stewarts were divine choices here. Please, nobody tell Crispin Glover he’s not invited.

December

Star Wars: Episode IX (Dec. 20)

After the fanbaby eruption at The Last Jedi, the greatest film franchise of all time is at one hell of a crossroads. I personally believe the first two films in this new trilogy are the best in the series. Will it continue to be progressive, inspired and original, unseating the original trilogy by sticking the landing? Thankfully, if there’s one thing JJ Abrams is known for, it’s totally nailing the ending to his mysterious projects, right! I had better start drinking fermented green milk from sea creature teats now just to cope with my anxieties, huh?


Category: Film
Tags:

Leave a Reply