For Dolittle to appear as it does on screen, at some point, somewhere, someone had to write some variation of the words “and then Robert Downey Jr shoves his hand into the dragon’s anus.” It couldn’t have been “the dragon’s booty,” because wordplay about horded treasure would be offensively clever compared with the rest of […]
The only thing more common than art that argues we should really stop doing war to each other is the fact that we seem to be constantly doing war to each other. 1917 is a visual protest poem that arrives in the United States amid substantial angst about yet-another impending Middle East conflict. Asking director […]
Perhaps the most enjoyable film to be this relentlessly unpleasant to watch, Uncut Gems has the sound and feel of a hurried fork stabbing at and missing food while on a blind date your mom set up. It’s Panic Attack: The Movie, featuring an actor with a stupid face that is genetically designed to make […]
Everybody has had that one coworker who dramatically flings and flangs about, causing a commotion to create the illusion that they are doing something complicated and important. Welcome to Star Wars Episode IX: Rise of Skywalker! Edited to suit our President’s attention span, in open rebellion against the far superior Last Jedi, and crammed with […]
Even when considered alongside other cults, fraternities are uniquely gross and terrifying. “They do charity and are good for networking” is a profoundly lame argument in the face of “They are linked to a simply breathtaking amount of sexual assaults.” A horror movie that leverages the inherent terror of the college rape crisis seems both […]
Every syllable of Daniel Craig’s accent contains a subliminal “I do declare!” Michael Shannon’s goatee is clearly an unrepentant murderer, independent of the man upon whose face it hangs. Toni Collette weaponizes vocal fry, while Chris Evans gets to do lots of curse words. So yeah, writer/director Rian Johnson’s wickedly breezy Knives Out “duns” all […]
Whatever anyone anticipated from Frozen II: Ice, Ice Baby, it probably wasn’t a moral about reparations that warns children that their white grandpa is probably super-duper racist. Encased beneath the expected icy layers of literal repetition from the beloved insta-classic, this wholly unneeded sequel is surprisingly thoughtful, sporadically hilarious, and a shockingly important addendum. The […]
Although always delightful, it feels really, really good to laugh at Adolf Hitler right now. Narcissistic, lying megalomaniacal strongmen, even dead ones, are always wounded by being made to look small. Jojo Rabbit reduces the uni-testicled failure and his entire ideology to cartoonish boobery. In doing so within the context of a genuinely beautiful fable, […]
The Shining remains a perfect masterpiece, which totally sucks. This is because no movie can possibly be good enough to justify Stanley Kubrick’s literal torture of Shelley Duvall. We still live under the gaslit delusion that talented artists should get to abuse whoever they want. So, say this much for Doctor Sleep: It is likely […]
Of the people I saw Parasite with, one immediately contextualized it with a historical novel she read, while another declared that it made him quite happy, and then he dreamed about it that night. Meanwhile, it scared the bejesus out of me and made me feel like a dumb idiot. In the best possible way… […]
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