Since there’s no way humanity will survive long enough to read my Best and Worst Films of 2020 list, I guess this is goodbye. We had a good run, folks. Well…maybe just an okay run. Neanderthals outlasted us by about 8.5 million years, so there’s that. Still, movies are one of the last truly global art forms we came up with. So it makes total sense that movies are one of the last things you ever read about. I’m doing fine, by the way. Everything’s fine. Here we go!
Worst Films of 2019
5) Replicas
The only “worst” film on this list ranked out of love. Replicas deserves to a cult following that will have a blast roasting it as they re-watch it together a gazillion times.
4) Star Wars Ep. 9: The Rise of Skywalker
It’s not even really fun to be a Star Wars fan anymore. I usually reserve the fourth spot on my “Worst” list for the most disappointing film of the year, not necessarily one of the worst. Sadly, Rise of Skywalker is both.
3) Once Upon a Time in Hollywood
These next picks are three of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. I’ve never actually met a living, breathing human who doesn’t hate Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Don’t even bother commenting “Um, actually, I loved it.” I’ll just assume you’re a Russian bot.
2) Joker
What are you doing, folks? This is embarrassing. Joker is half of America’s new favorite flick. Weird. I mean, it’s not like half of America would ever sympathize with a petulant, whiny manbaby? Right?!
1) Pledge
You’re probably asking yourself, “Wait, what’s Pledge?” Don’t worry about it. In a world where Joker made a billion dollars, we’re just lucky that Pledge came and went without a ruckus. No, don’t even Google it. Just be quiet and back away slowly…
Best Films of 2019
Well, now that’s done and we can hang on to one last little glimmer of hope before the world ends in a terrifying blaze of thermonuclear hellfire. Hooray for good movies!
10) Terminator: Dark Fate
Unjustly maligned, Terminator: Dark Fate received a Last Jedi-style backlash from internet trolls upset that their precious franchise was genuinely interesting for the first time in ages. Don’t let the haters fool you. Dark Fate is a ton of fun.
9) Ready or Not
Ready or Not was the biggest surprise of 2019. Poorly marketed as a standard home invasion thriller, it ended up being a brutally funny horror-comedy. If you ever wondered what Knives Out would look like with more blood and guts, here’s Ready or Not.
8) Little Women
In an era when “great films” are typically defined by their ability to conjure up gloom and doom, Little Women is a feel-good masterpiece. Here’s a heads up to filmmakers that great art doesn’t always have to make you feel like crap.
7) Midsommar
However, sometimes it’s also super okay if great art does make you feel like crap. If director Ari Aster wants to keep making horror movies about grief and cults, then more power to him. He can sad-scare me anytime he wants.
6) The Lighthouse
I pretty much hated writer/director Robert Egger’s first film, The VVitch. His obsession with meticulously filming the ins-and-outs of old timey manual labor is…a choice. Who knew all it would take for Eggers to win me over is two dudes farting on each other in black & white?
5) The Art of Self-Defense
Pretty much exactly the type of hidden gem streaming is made for, you can check out this surreal dark-comedy on Hulu. Jesse Eisenberg stars as a new karate student under the tutelage of an enigmatic and brutal sensei. Do yourself a favor and skip the trailer. Just go in cold.
4) Jojo Rabbit
Jojo Rabbit is the movie we all just kind of needed in 2019. It still seems nuts that director Taika Waititi even pulled this off. A movie about “hate” that’s somehow entirely full of love is the reason why he’s one of the best filmmakers working today.
3) Parasite
I’m officially allowed to slap you across the face next time I see you if you still haven’t watched my top three picks. You should probably get a headstart on Parasite, because we all need to re-watch it a few more times before we even scratch its surface.
2) Aniara
Available on Hulu, Aniara is about a deep space cruise ship that strays off course and drifts through the universe as its passengers slowly succumb to depression one by one. In other words, it’s a total laugh riot!
1) Uncut Gems
It’s so adorable to watch other “thrillers” try to rile me up after Uncut Gems. This movie is excruciating, and maybe the only pick on this list I’ll never watch again. Oddly enough, that has a lot to do with why it’s the best movie of 2019.