The last 30 or 45 minutes of Masters of the Universe finally understands the real power was inside of it the entire time. And that power is stupidity. Awesome stupidity, to be clear. But stupidity nonetheless. Sadly, the first hour and a half is a confused, lame mess that feels like it was written by committee.
It was!
Writers Chris Butler, Aaron and Adam Nee, and Dave Callaham were most likely told to imitate Mattel’s intellectual property lottery win with Barbie and “make it meta and funny.” Unfortunately, director Travis Knight’s adaptation features none of the authenticity or genuine cleverness of the film about the clearly superior blonde, plastic toy.
Unsure of whether to mock its target audience and ridicule the objectively laughable source material, Masters of the Universe spends 90 minutes flipping between eye-rolling sincerity and “well, that just happened” comedy. Then, in the span of one Queen song, it fully grasps that it can be truly awesome by virtue of being truly stupid, and is delightful.
Most upsettingly: The only thing that is good for the full runtime is Jared Leto. Having his lived a life that is an unintentional form of evil self-satire, he has trained 54 years for this.
The quartet of writers were seemingly forced to start with He-Man/Adam (Nicholas Galitzine) on Earth. A quick prelude sends the young prince fleeing Eternia after Skeletor attacks to claim the Sword of Power, a sword that will give him power… Adam needs the sword to return home but drops it in transport because kids cannot be trusted with valuable things.
He spends the next 15 years making drawings of all his old hero friends and looking for his lost sword. But not very hard. Because he literally makes one internet post and someone tells him where it is, which is nearby to where he’s been for literally a decade and a half. The good news is that this satisfied the studio suits’ requirement, and Earth time is quickly over.
Teela (Camila Mendes) rescues her childhood friend and takes him to the ragtag resistance group that has been fighting Skeletor’s hordes. He is explicitly reminded of the phrase he needs to say to become the overly muscled warrior version of himself. At no point does Adam/He-Man do anything “active” to “grow” as a “character.” He just does what he’s told and then punches things. That would be fine if the movie didn’t spend so much time fixating on Adam’s “arc.”
Side note: Whatever the budget was here, the decision to use somewhat baggy clothes instead of any kind of special effect to hide the fact that Galitzine is mega-jacked in real life wasn’t worth the cost savings.
Galitzine is terrible as Adam, but kinda great as He-Man. The former may not be fully his fault, as “act like a scared doofus” appears to be all he got in terms of direction and script. When he gets to cut loose as the shirtless loin-cloth-wearer, he cuts a very Keanu Reeves blend of charismatic simplicity.
Other good things: Squealing 1980s hair metal was absolutely the right choice here. Idris Elba seemed to actually be having fun as Duncan/Man-at-Arms. They didn’t try to make the ridiculous heroes and villains “realistic,” they tried to make them faithful to the original cartoon while looking cool and succeeded.
It’s not just that there is quantifiably more bad than good in Masters of the Universe. It’s also the fact that they did crack it eventually and yet deliver a milquetoast blockbuster that is dull until it isn’t. That’s almost more upsetting.
The answer to how to make these endless intellectual property adaptations isn’t always going to be to add a meta element. Profiteers love a one-size-fits-all approach, but Castle Grayskull isn’t the Barbie Dream House, you know?
One final note: The more that big-budget cinema continues to only offer ground up memories for audiences to nostalgia-snort, the more it ensures young people will grow up with nothing of their own to remember. That’s sad. He-Man wouldn’t like that.
Grade = C
Other Critical Voices to Consider
Ruth Maramis says “the film suffers from the classic ‘too many cooks spoil the broth’ issue, leading to some tonal inconsistencies and a story that feels overly convoluted, resulting in a bloated runtime of 2 hours and 20 minutes.”
Siddhant Adlakha at JoySauce says “Granted, you can seldom make an action movie where the action itself isn’t central to the telling, but inserting a tale that can only work through anti-action results in too many crossed wires, rendering Masters of the Universe the saga of a manchild returning to his toys, to live out a fantasy of blinding nostalgia and unencumbered violence. At a moment when American culture has been gripped by exactly these sentiments, it’s hard not to roll your eyes at the movie’s slip-ups.”
Kristy Puchko at Mashable says “There’s a campy villainy to the way Skeletor gleefully mocks the hero while unapologetically noting Adam’s big sword and thick thighs. But my favorite bit comes when Adam demands a fair fight, “face-to-face” and Skeletor scoffs in response, saying “1) I don’t have a face, and 2) I don’t want to.” Mark my words: Drag queens will be lip-syncing to this version of Skeletor before Pride month has ended.”