Let Chris Hemsworth Rap, You Cowards!

FYI: There’s no such thing as sequelitis, your movie just sucks. Men in Black: International has all the joy and spontaneity of a sentient Excel spreadsheet. Coldly calculated to be maximally inoffensive and profitable across key commercial demographics, it is the Instagram influencer of motion pictures. Just working up the energy to explain its uselessness […]

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It’s Magically Realistic!

A new “scientific” study alleges that you can drink 25 cups of coffee a day without your heart doing the Dick Cheney mambo. That seems like the minimum amount of caffeine consumed by most comic book movie makers. The vast majority of superhero flicks feel like a cappuccino kissed with Red Bull, but Fast Color […]

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Pain in the End

An estimated 13.5 million Americans watched the finale of Lost. I am one of the literally tens of those Americans who loved it. It’s not just that decades of Chicago sports fandom and poor relationship choices had taught me to associate loving something with disappointment; I loved it because it resolved the characters. Sure, abandoned […]

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Cutting Room for June 2019

If you have a deep yearning for German submarine thrillers, maybe don’t lead with that in your dating profile. Also, I have good news for you. Apparently, Hulu has made a sequel to Das Boot, which is, of course, German for “kinky boots.” Starring Lizzy Caplan, the claustrophobic World War II series debuts June 17 […]

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They Did the Mash!

Let’s get this out of the way first: In a movie that includes a tri-headed dragon and a Nakatomi plaza-sized spider, Mark (Kyle Chandler) is easily the most grotesque monstrosity. This dude is introduced to us while he’s shooting B-roll wolf footage for a knockoff Planet Earth. Yet somehow, within minutes, he’s bossing around the […]

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Crossing the Stream

Inspired by the Martha of it all, if Netflix’s most recent tsunami of original films Voltron-ed into just one movie, I’d call it Quantity v Quality: The Dawn of Just Okay. If you’re hungry enough, anything looks like food. After binging all the good stuff, our streaming overlords are hoping a few good ingredients are […]

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Not All Supermen

Brightburn is a gory fable that speaks in the modern vernacular of superhero storytelling. It argues that young boys at the precipice of puberty must be steered correctly, lest they wind up savage, selfish monsters guided only by an internal message to “take the world.” It is less a deconstruction of ubiquitous comic book world […]

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Dog Fighting: You Know, For Kids!

Hey children, do you like adorable creatures capable of incredibly finite speech? Would you like to carry them with you and love them for always? Also, real quick, how do you feel about them being locked in a tiny cage and forced to maul one another? Pokémon’s core conceit has always been somewhere between puzzling […]

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In Space, No One Can Hear You Yawn

High Life is basically a broody teen freshman sitting in his very first college course, finally free to ask what he feels are profound questions about sex. Writer/director Claire Denis’s talent and cinematic acumen are beyond reproach, but even Aristotle has lesser works, right? Her first English-only film is, sadly, a sleepy slog seemingly content […]

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